too much…

i am tired.  of a lot of things.  i’m mostly tired of our girls’ school saying no.  no, we won’t.  no, we can’t.  no, she doesn’t.  no, she can’t.  no, she isn’t.  i think the ‘no, we won’t’ is the one that bothers me the most.  when i see a child, especially one in need, i want to just give that kiddo whatever he needs.  get it.  it’s a kid, for crissakes.  just do it.  really?  we can’t?  we will not give anymore help this year that what we are giving right now.  (which is inadequate.)  just say, fail.  please, we really want you to be unsuccessful in your endeavors.  my mind is so tired, i really want to give up the fight.  on a thumbnail, here is my day yesterday, which, i’m pretty sure is adding to my sheer exhaustion:

wake up at 5:40, slice King Cake into 24 even slices.  hide two babies cuz the cake is so big.  get kids up, dressed, fed, to bus. home.  hubs.  help.  me, dentist 9:20 for what is supposed to be a “five minute wisdom tooth extraction.”  don’t EVER believe them when they say that.  it’s a friggin’ lie.  10:35 i’m dashing out of there to hubs office to get one signed contract & check for school for next year.  dash home so lady can take pictures of some crap in the pool house.  she lectures me to go to bed.  bite it, lady, i got things to do.  get same mini-van-slow-driving lady to follow me across the street to storage so she can take more pictures.  more lecture.  i finally lie, okay, i’ll go to bed.  really, she asks?  no, not really, but you keep asking me, so, yeah, i’ll lie, cuz if you are done here…well, i got shit to do.  done.  and done.  back to hubs office.  drop off mardi gras dress to one of my very favorite nieces.  go fill lortab in case pain hits.  (it never got so bad i needed it – thank You, Jesus).  Target.  girls’ school. drop off thingy.  lovely lady in office looks at me questionably and raises up pointer finger, “one?”  i just proceed to cry.  my cheek hurts.  the hole in my head hurts.  the hole in my palate where she shot me up and then later put stitches, really hurts.  my hair stinks.  sweet lady hugs me.  oh, baby, what’s wrong?  i just spilled the beans to her.  she, like the shining example of God’s love and especially of Mary, disappeared to a different room and came back with a Novena for me.  we talked more.  my car, still out there, was now in the way and i didn’t care.  go around me.  i left there feeling much better because finally, i could tell someone i could trust, “i just want God’s will; that’s IT.  WHATever it is.”  she nodded in agreement.  she walked me out.  “i love you, Miss Laura.”  “i love you too, baby, and i’m gonna be praying with you.”  God bless her.  i do love that lady.

i woke up today just not having the fight in me to convince anyone else of how phenomenal my two, born deaf, cochlear implanted, daughters are.  if they don’t want them + almost $30,000, i feel like we need to look elsewhere.  like my hubs said, ‘i’m not feeling the love.’  i’m just not.  i’m tired of pushing.  i’m tired of hearing the negativitiy.  no matter how great she does, there is some stinking caveat that accompanies her accomplishment, ‘well, that was an easy test.’ ‘well, we tore that book apart; she should have done well.’  and the cherry on the cake?  her grades were all elevated from the first quarter.  but still, they talk smack.

yes, i know God has my back.  i think He wants me to rest.  fine.  i want to rest, too.

my mouth hurts, my spirit hurts, my heart hurts.  i feel so disconnected.  i feel like the rug has gotten ripped out from under me.  i want to run.  far.  i’m so happy the kids are out of school next week.