Monthly Archives: May 2016

Where does change come from?


As usual, not sure where to begin. I’m in the house again, full-time. The reason? I cannot sit idly by and watch them go Unparented & unmothered fifty percent of the time. So I’m here. And I’m running out of money to keep my apartment. Which suits him. Daughter told me he will definitely revert back to his old ways once he knows we gave up the apartment. I told her we can get a hotel on those days. It sucks. The struggle is real. I am getting my hours done as fast as I can. I now have 154 as of last night. 180 is the magic number. Then I can apply for my CIT & start accumulating 5000 hours of supervised work in addiction (that encompasses a LOT of categories).

There are some good times, don’t get me wrong. It’s like being with an okay-friend…don’t say anything you wouldn’t tell the whole world. Don’t trust that this person has your back. Anything from your past can and will be used against you.

We went to an open aa meeting last night. I could hear hubs telling an old-timer at our table that he had been around the program for 2 years (well that’s creative) and that he had no idea I was an alcoholic. For a nanosecond, I almost turned around to chime in…but I didn’t. (thanks, God) Why should I? I don’t owe him or him stranger any justification. Your remarks don’t define me. 

Anyway, I’m just doing me. Trying to be who God wants me to be, not who anyone thinks I should be. 

Yes, it sucks knowing I’m back in the belly of the beast. But I don’t have to unpack & live here. I try to get what I need out of each day…which isn’t much, I’m happy to say. The things I love are intangibles…FaceTime with my children – FaceTime as in sitting together and having real conversations; alone time with God; meditative quietness; snuggles with Neville the Beagle; workouts; running; trying to be of service; trying not to lose myself again…that last one is the slipperiest. 

I know I’m fulfilling God’s Will for me when I feel completely on-center.