So. Breaking away from what holds us hostage to our past is NEVER easy. I am almost in an apartment to seal the deal on our separation. Of course, I am constantly barraged about how senseless and reckless I am, especially with money…a slacker with champagne tastes. hmm. I beg to differ.
Yesterday evening, since my husband uses my daughters as pawns and won’t let us see each other unless I come back here, I went to Mass at the Cathedral in town. I was pleasantly surprised to walk in and hear the Rosary being prayed. I joined in. Mass was lovely. I was actually trying to decide between an AA meeting & Mass. As God would have it, I trusted Him, and look where He lead me: Rosary, Mass, AND an AA meeting!
I am starting to make sense of meditation. Because of my upbringing, I always thought meditation was a hippie-thing. Not for people who worshiped God and for sure not for people who claim Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, like me. Well, after Mass, I had about :15 minutes or so before I needed to leave for the meeting. And I meditated. Right there in church. I just fixed my gaze on Jesus. Sometimes I closed my eyes, sometimes not. The healthier I become, the more in tune I become with energy. It’s amazing. And I felt the presence of Jesus’ beautiful energy enveloping me and loving me and assuring me that I was, indeed, on the right path. It might feel odd, not having my daughters with me every night. That hurts. It pokes at my heart like nothing else. My husband knows that, too. That’s why he uses them in that way. But God looks upon our hearts. And I know that what God sees in my heart is that I am trying my best to be obedient to Him.
After my meeting, I went to Fresh Market & bought some candy & a big bottle of Italian sparkling water. I went to the hotel of the night, where they just happened to have one room left due to a recent cancellation (thanks, God), prayed, and went to bed.
A week away in Cali. This post is more to sort thru my feelings & maybe help someone else along the way. Keeping up the front for the sake of my children until I get a plan in place is wearing me out. We got there on Thursday. The emotional abuse revved up Thursday night & I ended up in the lobby of a super-fancy hotel with a change of clothes shoved into a recyclable bag, wondering wtf I was going to do. My daughters had their hopes up for this trip for months. When things settled, I went back to our room, numb. Friday was “good” meaning crazy kept his crazy flag rolled up and out of sight. Saturday morning was blisteringly painful, yet again. But this time, I recorded the onslaught. I sent a copy to our counselor and to a trusted dear friend. Turns out, I’m not “crazy with a capital K” as I am oft labeled. But this is crazy. Certifiably so. Less than 2 hours later, narcissism was in full bloom, quoting scripture from the Bible. I was internally disgusted. If they only knew. Well, I know. It has taken me years of digging, of things not sitting right with me, of me continually asking deeper questions…I am married to a narcissist. The front looks great; it always looks great – look at my children; look at my wife; see how great I am? I have months of posts in my head for me to simply make sense of all this. But I know now and that’s the most important thing.
One favorite trick of narcissists is to always keep their victims off-balance…like I am now…there is so much to do. I feel paralyzed with exhaustion. Those 2 huge events in Cali, together with the “aftershocks” (recollection of events from the view of the narcissist), all played out on vacation prevents the “normal” course of feelings from flowing naturally – instead of me getting pissed off in Cali, I stuffed it the entire time for the benefit of the group. Now I’m home. Exhausted. I would be the crazy one if I revisited that sickness.
We just got home this afternoon. Life with a narcissist is draining. I got into my bed at 6:45. I just want to cry. My daughters. The damage done. The damage that will continue to be done. My son. My step-children. Oh, my God, please help us all.
Tomorrow I have a root canal in the morning. I’m actually looking forward to it because I have been living with a dull throbbing headache for weeks. My energy level is crazy low.
There are so many decisions to be made. I can’t live in this hellhole anymore.
Dear God, hold my hand and lead me where You would have me go. I love You and I trust You.