Monthly Archives: October 2010

friday

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bittersweet.  like chocolate, my favorite kind.  hits the mouth with this amazing intensity and smoothness. 

friday was this way for me…bittersweet.  more sweet than bitter, thank you very much.  had to order corsage for my son’s homecoming date.  realized florist had all my info in computer already and that this is the last homecoming corsage i will be ordering on his behalf.  bitter.  he is a beautiful person, with one of the best spirits i’ve ever encountered.  sweet.

picked up his clothes from alterations.  same.

went to J&R Educational Supply.  phenomenal place.  love it.  became my mecca when girls were first able hear with their implants.  went there yesterday for a couple of birthday ideas for them.  i walked through the same aisles, though with a different set of eyes now, and looked at the things that meant the world to me just a couple of years ago — simple rhyming cards and games, vocabulary flash cards (chicken, monkey, fire truck), always after whatever could help prolong their love of learning as we made our way through auditory verbal therapy…they are past those things now.  bitter.  found a cool Math Shark game for my daughter and sidewalk chalk for both of them.  sweet.

both of my daughters have a love of reading.  always sweet.  they bought booklights at the book fair.  book fair.  most things that aren’t books are CHEAP.  book fair lights broke within 12-48 hours of purchase.  cheap.  so, i found 2 nice ones for them.  sweet. then as i looked for books they would like i spotted junie b. jones.  ohhhh….they loooooved junie b.  5th grader took tremendous pleasure in saying, ‘stupid smelly bus.  stupid.  smelly bus.’  stupid, of course, being a ‘bad’ word that we don’t say.  hey, it’s literature, folks…so, i longingly picked up the first boxed set, remembering how many times my girls have been through these, with me and without me…bitter.  they have passed these.  now, unbeknownst to 5th grader, i have hidden the entire Harry Potter boxed set, books one through seven, hardbound, in my closet, to be hers on her birthday.  she will love it, no doubt.  sweet.

football last night.  watched my amazing step-son on the field doing one of the things he loves so much, playing football.  he is so good at it and puts his whole heart into it.  as i watched him at the end of the game, i realized it was his last home game as a junior.  bitter.  i was fortunate enough to stay to the very end; we usually leave in the 4th quarter.  so, i was able to speak with him after.  this huge kid, drenched in sweat, all 200+ pounds, 6 feet of him, thanked me for coming to his game.  are you kidding?  he’s like that.  you’ll never forget meeting him.  i’m so lucky to have him in our family.  sweet.  he’ll be back on that field as a senior, his final step of high school.  bitter.  he’s going to do great things.  sweet.  very sweet.  he deserves all the success that waits for him.  sweet.

so, i guess yesterday was a bit of a mommy-rollercoaster for me.  i ran, intending on doing 5+, but my quads were heavy after the previous day’s ten.  so i ran 3.5 and rode my bike 3.  achy quads.  sweet.  i am strong.  capable.  could run a full marathon on 15 minutes notice.  very sweet.  God has blessed me in amazing ways and i thank him for it all.  my life is full and will continue to be lived for His glory.  I know that when I make time for Him FIRST, everything else works out better than i could have ever expected.

i still miss our school, but i won’t squirt lemons into my eyes 😉 i’ll definitely make lemonade…God knows our hearts, all of our hearts, even when we think our deepest desires are our own, they are not.  He knows those too.  That’s why I love laying it out there for Him.  He works best through us when we totally submit to Him.  I know.  Not an easy concept.  Bittersweet.  Way more sweet in the end, y’all.

Enter title here

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don’t have a title in mind, don’t have much to say in mind.  i just want our school back.  4th grade teacher conferences tomorrow.  i give the first quarter a c-.  i’m not impressed.  i can’t lie.  the girls have learned a little here.  every day i feel like i have to jump start 4th grader.  it’s like she goes to sleep and her brain purges everything.  she’s down on herself.  i just want to go home.  i totally dislike exile.  personally, i think we should be given a refund, exchange apologies, and make quick tracks back to where we belong.  as a very dear person to me has said, ‘things can’t stay the same; they will either get better or worse.’  so true.  i can honestly say with my whole heart, with God and Mary as my witnesses, i have prayed, begged, and pleaded for God’s will.  i still, with my whole heart, don’t feel like we are in line with His will.  i wish i was rich.  i would pay anything to get my sweet daughters back to where they belong.  but i’m not.  if my life were a pie chart, the areas included would be prayer, directing/helping/loving children, kitchen, laundry room, and running.  not for joke.  for real.  and i love it.  except for when i feel powerless.  and like a cornered momma bear protecting her cubs.  there’s just this empty yearning in my core and i know what it is.  when things aren’t right with the ones we love the most, things aren’t right within us.  i know God hears me.  i know He’ll answer me.  i know He knows my endurance.  He gave it to me, after all.  i can run for 4-5 hours straight, no break.  that takes some doing.  but enduring this exile with my sweet daughters who never would have made this choice is, at sometimes, excrutiating.   so…i pray.  and look for bright spots.  and try to live in them for as long as i can.  i thought i was a prayerful mother before the end of july, when this hell started.  the best thing that has come from this hell has been my re-dedication of myself to my faith.  i have delved deeper into it than ever and i am so without-words grateful to have it.  i have embraced the gift of having God’s arm around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth.  for real.  i know there is nothing i can’t do.  as long as God says it, i can do it.  i am just His simple servant who knows the deal.  i accept His love and forgiveness and that grooves me all day.  i try my best not to question Him…i guess embedded in my “whatever Your will is, God, help me do it,” is “please, God, bring us back.”

okay, moving on…had a fabulous 5K with my girlies yesterday.  so proud of them.  held 4th grader’s hand as we ran the end of mile 3; she was wavering…”i can’t do it!”  “of course you can!  look how far you’ve come!”  as we turned the final corner, and she spotted the finish, people cheering, balloons beckoning and blowing, she let go of my hand, furrowed her brow, pumped her elbows and MOVED!  i of course, held back, to let her have her moment to cross that finish line with all of her might…”go, baby, go, push, push, push!”  and watched those new white/purple asics get broken in by one of the sweetest little girls i’ve ever known…it was divine. 

at the same point where she faltered, i watched 2 40-somethings cruise ahead of us to take my spot as 1st in my age group.  i could have let go of her hand and smoked them, but i didn’t.  i knew hanging on to one of the dearest little creatures from Heaven was WAY more important than my time on the clock.  and it was.  her dad told me, you should have let go of her hand and told her the finish was right there, to come on and go!  not a chance.  she needed me and i was there.  and will always be…

fall

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still doing the do…as in doing what is necessary.  I haven’t been in survival mode  so often in years…just when you think the house issues are done, BAM, they are NOT!  Came home Sunday to an overflowing upstairs toilet.  How’d we know it was overflowing as we walked into our kitchen, after a long day of Mass, lunch, bookstore, Best  Buy???  Oh, all the drips throughout the kitchen, bar and pantry.  Yep.  Beautiful, right?  Could be worse.  I amused myself as I watched the pee water drip into our pretty bar area – plop, plop, into antique crystal glasses…the amusing part was the color – like a cheap, boxed zinfindel.  Hope i didn’t lose anybody by trashing wine, but i have always thought boxed wine was pretty much like boonesfarm…yes, i have had both, thank you very much…My mom – “Why would you drink that?  It has formadehyde in it!  That’s what they embalm bodies with!”  Me – 17 year old me – “Guess it will help me stay young looking!”  Sad conversation, I know…

Anywho, i just thought it was so humerous because the water was never a different color as it dripped, except for the bar area.  Oh, well, unless you could the very high shelf of memorabilia from the kids…

Still praying.  A lot.  Praying for mercy, mostly.  If I could write what is going on, academically, with my girls, you would shudder, I tell you.  It’s horrible and things must change soon.  I know God is with us and won’t let us fall.  If this is a test, and I doubt it is because i don’t think our loving God tests us, I’d get an A.  Plus.  Plus.  Plus.  With a metallic smily sticker.  I continually re-visit the feeling of exile on a daily basis, interchanged with a disenchanting feeling of numbness.  Don’t like that one, either.

So, I run.  And run.  those marathons won’t train themselves, right?  Somewhere there are two race numbers that will be pinned to me, whether I have done my training or not, and knowing that God will deliver us through this, I will have done my best.  And done my homework.  as in training runs.

plus, with the weather getting cooler, it really is nice to be out there.

quick

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wow.  floors, walls, sheetrock, all DONE!!!  Even hooked up my computer to the internet with the help of my son!  So happy to see my screen full-sized!  Furniture back.  Still in a huge amount of disarray, but at least the worst part is over and we are moving toward a more normal existance. 

Between my ears?  Well, that’s another issue;)  Still doing what I know is right.  Still praying, praying, and praying.  God has just started waking me up 10 minutes before my alarm goes off just for me to pray.  He, like me, recognizes that the important things in the day should be done the earliest!  And me, like me, trying to multi-task, almost attempted saying the rosary while I ran.  Bad idea.  On so many fronts.  I realized very fast that it wasn’t the most meditative, prayerful situation.  Don’t wanna disgrace Mamma Mia!  Wow.  Anywho, I feel in exile, and a little numb.  And a lot unmotivated.  Not a fun place to be.  Especially for a mom.  Especially for a mom who plans to run two marathons – December and January.  Come on, motivation!  I am continually trying to get out there and keep my legs turning over, simply at this point, for the sake of the “hardware” part of running.  Gotta keep the kicks slappin the asphalt!  But my heart feels really heavy and that infects my leg turnover.  So, I try.  And try again.  I know God’s with me.  Always.  I rely so heavily upon that.  My sweet hubby admonished me this morning for saying the rosary within 20 minutes of me admonishing my 9 year old.  How could you pick that up and pray after being mean?  Jesus wasn’t sent to this world to heal the well, right? 

Anywho, I’m still here.  And will continue to be here.  Gotta get in gear…in more ways than one!  Peace, y’all.