Monthly Archives: March 2012

fighting the good fight

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wow.  dude.  i haven’t run in it seems like forever.  it has actually been almost a week.  i got on a treadmill a couple of times last week.  the golf tournament was going on – louisiana open – and it was way too beautiful for me to run outside with all the happy crowds when i was heavy-hearted, ergo heavy-legged, and just sad.  we were waist deep in fighting the educational fight for our daughter.  we are still fighting, but there is movement amongst the troops 🙂  finally feel like the right people are paying attention to what is needed.

as i have repeated to hubs more often in the last week than ever, “Jesus flipped over tables in the temple…it wasn’t pretty, but it had to be done.”  so that has been my saving thought.  along with hanging onto our Good Lord with all my might.  can’t have peaks without valleys, can we?

as a mom, it does take a toll.  i glimpsed my reflection this morning as i was about to take my daughters to the bus stop and i was slightly horrified.  i sleep great.  it’s the waking hours that are kicking my butt.  i’m here, though, and i’m moving on through every day in way that i pray is pleasing to God.

my little one has felt the anxiety, sadly, so i have been giving her my Mary medal and swarovski crystal cross necklace.  this is a pretty big piece.  i’m a Jesus freak; so whaddya expect, right?  anywho, the chain is big silver links, but beautiful – came with the cross.  sweet baby chipped it.  accidentally, of course.  i felt a little bad about it because it is pretty much my signature piece.  i definitely wear it when i need the external armour 🙂  i’ll still wear it – proudly – i suspect – and the chip will serve as a reminder of our own human frailty & fault.  it’s a cross, not a crucifix, so i guess the chip is a good sign of that.

housekeeper is in venezuela again…sigh…that means i’m the full-time housekeeper.  sorry, kids. 🙂

it is 9:30 and i have a strong hankering to jump on my bike and ride, ride ride.

hubs and i had our wedding anniversary on tuesday – i managed a 13 mile ride then.  can i tell you my quads were going, “huh? wth, lady????:”  it was a pretty brisk pace for me, who hadn’t ridden in a week.  i know.  not like me.  but with the golf, the issues, the stuff. i didn’t beat myself up; i just accepted the unwanted break as another fact in my day.

still don’t have closure on kiddo & school, but things are promising.  she’s still as wonderful as ever.

gonna go mop & ride.  i am certain i have never put those two activities in the same sentence before.  wow.

peace.

oh, and speaking of peace, you DO know this Sunday is Palm Sunday, right?  the beginning of Holy Week, right?  dress pretty, go to church.  say your prayers.  thank God for something.  anything.  He made you, after all.  show Him some love.

keepin’ on…

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wow.  so much time has passed  & i have wanted to empty the coconut.  now my ADD brain is reeling with things left to do today, so i may sound disjointed.  wow.  that never happens.  anywho.  Mass this morning at my sweet daughter’s school.  she had two intentions to read and she did a beautiful job.  she has such a sweet, kind heart for God; there are no words to descirbe her raw, simple devotion.

so, i sat & looked around at everyone & felt happy & humbled to be in His presence.  my heart was a little sad due to all the tug of war happening educationally-speaking.  i can’t say too much now, but anyone who has kept up with my blog knows that this year has been a doozy.  and not a great american cookie factory one, with vanilla icing squishing out the sides.  i’m talking a what-in-the-ever-loving-h-e-double-hockey-sticks are they talking about?

yeah.

so, heavy hearted, yet, draped by God’s love, i moved on to one of my favorite Roman Catholic bookstores in town to find something for hubs & for my sweet son’s former girlfriend.  i knew i wanted to give her a Clinging Cross for her Confirmation and i will be lucky enough to see her this weekend to give it to her.

i immediately asked for any information they had on the Seven Sorrows Rosary.  i bought a CD.  i learned about this while doing my wednesday hour of Adoration at STM.  btw, that hour of adoration taught me more about my own Roman Catholic faith than anything i had ever experienced in my life.  and that’s the truth.  anywho, so yeah, they had it.  i bought the Rosary CD recited by Imaculee herself.  i was on the verge of tears in the store, but did a great job not to come undone like a fool – i mean, really.  hold it together, right??

i got to the car & opened the CD & immediately began listening to it.  y’all.  to listen to something as told from Mary’s perspective.  again – there are no words.  but i can say this.  i am forever touched by what i heard.  i humbly offered my prayers along with Imaculee’s.

my daily prayers include asking Mary to help me be like her.  in all ways.  She is the best example of motherhood, wifehood, womanhood any of us moms (especially us moms) could aspire to…

i think we pray, pray, pray, and we certainly should pray without ceasing, according to the Bible.  over the years, this has become really easy for me.  okay, it’s easier when no one is home, but you get the idea.  i don’t ever think or wonder if my prayers are being answered or if they are going to be answered.  i simply put ALL my faith in God.  i know that if we ask for something good, He will most likely grant it.  easier still, ask for His Will.  that just cuts to the chase & makes it really easy.  as long as we act according to His Will, we will be on His Path and we will find true joy & happiness.  with the aforementioned caveats.  you know, life is not a bed of roses & no matter how close we become to God, we still gotta do time on this planet & that means one thing – problems – big, little, whatever.  anywho.  i had a glimpse today that my prayers are indeed heard and actually are answered.  i can’t describe it, but i had this spirit infusion after Mass as i told some acquaintences good-bye that, yes, Mary was indeed showing me the way.  as a mother does.  gently, quietly, prayerfully.

and i, in my human, frail, sinfulness, am hanging onto Her beautiful hand.  i will go anywhere She leads me.

peace.

oh, 5th Sunday, y’all.  keep on keepin’ on!!!!  what a beautiful time to grow closer to God & everyone He has sent for us…

Alex

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23 years ago today…I was 21 years old, unmarried, and had just given birth.  I was not to be her mother.  I had already carefully chosen who would mother & father her, love & nurture her, feed her spirit and soul, and pretty much give her the life I knew I was incapable of providing.

23 years ago plus 7 months, I was sitting in Chili’s with her…sperm donor…sorry, but that’s the truth.  He was trying to convince me to have an abortion.  ANY feelings I had left for the schmuck died that instant.  died.  never to be resurrected.

Raised how I was, without much – of anything – especially guidance – opened the door to my being easily swayed by someone handsome & employed.  Nothing really showed what a terrible person he was – oh, there were signs – but, me, young & hopeful…well, you know how that goes.  He was abusive, of course.  Pretty text book situation of a young girl with no one looking out for her; no one telling her to RUN the other way.  The closest I came to someone caring about me in that situation at that point was when Bill, my manager at Sonic, where I worked when I was 16/17, saw that I had a black eye.  The look of horror on his face said so much about what I was feeling inside.  He asked.  I lied.  That was it.  I was too weak of a person at the time to do much more than be carried by the current of a crappy relationship.

Anywho.  So, we ended up in beautiful Winter Park, Florida.  I worked and went to school.  Got a little more backbone.  Moved out.  Tired of getting the crap beaten out of me.  Still weak, tho.  Gave in.  Obviously.  Found out I was pregnant.  And I was happy.  He…not so much.  Then the whole Chili’s episode which transpired the same day I moved back in with him. dumb, dumb, dumb.  I dropped my classes for that semester and worked a second job at Burdine’s.  I don’t know why I did that.  I would have been better off continuing my classes, which I ultimately did pick back up later…

So, after the conversation when I realized he was not going to be struck by a lightning bolt pointed at him straight from God’s finger into Chili’s, and he was NOT going to embrace fatherhood, I started looking to find out about adoption.  I found a couple through an attorney and they lived in my hometown, which was what I wanted for my baby.  The top of my list of things that I wanted the adoptive parents to agree to was to send my baby to Roman Catholic school.  They assured me that they would.

The months went by and my belly grew.  The first time I felt Alex move was while I was at work.  I was walking out of our accountant’s office and I stopped in my tracks!  I told him what happened and he, older, wiser, wonderful father & grandfather, smiled from ear to ear, “Isn’t that great??”  “Yes!!!!”

I remember thinking I wanted to stay pregnant forever.  Just to keep her with me, in this little cocooon, safe.

I approached my due date.  My last doctor’s visit was on a Friday.  Well, it was scheduled for the Friday.  Of course, control freak sperm donor said I couldn’t go.  Douche.  So, naturally, I didn’t.

Monday morning, I woke up with huge pains, starting at my spine & wrapping around my belly and scaring me!  I called the doctor.  Come to find out, I was in labor.  Parents to be were in Louisiana.  I know that if I had made that last appointment, there probably would have been signs of me beginning labor and Lousisiana parents could have gotten there in plenty of time.  The things we remember.

It was an amazing event.  My doctor met me at the hospital.  My room was for everything – I never had to leave it to have her.  There was even a whirlpool tub to help with cramps!

My boyfriend was there for all of it.  The parents from Louisiana were on the cell phone and were able to at least have that.  And then, after just a little pushing, there she was!  Beautiful!  Dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes…what a life-changing experience.

I held her and never wanted to let go.  I just wanted things to be different.  I wanted to be the one to give her continuity, security, and love.  But, I knew I couldn’t.   With me, she would have to go to daycare.  With them, she was completing a family, with a mother who wanted her so badly.  She would never have to witness the things in her life that I had.  As much as I loved her in my arms, I loved her enough to place her in better, capable arms.

So, I did.

And she has had the life I prayed she would.  She’s beautiful.  She takes my breath away when I think of how beautiful she is.  And not just on the outside.  She is kind, thoughful, and has such a heart for God.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.   She is truly amazing.  I love her so much it hurts.

I am so grateful that I made the choice I made for her.  I think our lives run parallel.  I don’t see her very much at all, but we do keep in touch on Facebook 🙂 and through texting.  When I dig a little deeper in myself, I am faced with knowing I still feel unworthy of her.  And, really, I am okay with that.  I am happy knowing she has had the life she deserves.

Peace.

no room at the inn :-\

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i don’t make it up; i just process it in my coconut & write it.  i am, after all, a mother, and i guess i process things differently.  this is a heavy-hearted one…

as mom to lots of wonderful children, being mom to children who have exceptionalites is different.  it just is.  we try to help them fit in with their peers as much as humanly (and divinely, through prayer) possible.  when i was in 5th and 6th grade, i had strong friendships with girls my age.  we were at each other’s houses regularly, passed notes between classes, and just always had each other’s backs.  you get it.  as mom to my 2 youngest, who have cochlear implants, it is different for them.  they have good friends at school, but not like what i had.  in my heart of hearts, i believe it is simply harder for them to communicate effectively as 5th and 6th grade girls do, in social situations.  in school, with some accommodations, they do great.  but with friends…not so much.  as their mom, i try my best to always take the time to LISTEN to them.  that means no phone in hand, etc.  – really pay attention to what they say because i see that they are lacking that with girls at school.  it is really rare for them to be invited to parties or sleepovers.  it wasn’t always that way, but as girls grow up and form those bonds, it is natural for them to have small groups, etc….my girls don’t really fit in in that regard.

i live with these kiddos day in and day out.  i know that background noise affects what they hear from me – running water, forget it.  they really have to focus to listen.  i believe that because of this, they probably come across to their friends as…well…not tuned in, i guess.  i know it must be hard for them to hear all the good stuff that should be heard during lunch or at break.  i think the difficulty they experience may come across as aloofness or just some sort of disconnect…their peers probably don’t know how to take it and for Heaven’s sake, they are kids with lots to say.  i think my girls just kind of, through no fault of anyone, get skipped over, in social situations.

this week – the middle school girls have been taking the bus to musical practice – tuesday, wednesday…”mom, everytime i ask one of my friends if i can sit with her, she says no – i already said i would sit with ___________” whomever.  she is so sweet, and continually asks to be part, but, alas, she ended up sitting with the chunky, pimply-faced girl that, from what i hear, definitely doesn’t fit in.  to avoid that on day 2, she went through the gammut of asking to sit with her favorite friends, and was told the same thing again.  so, she sat in the single seat to avoid being stuck with chunky.  it just hurts this mom’s heart.  i can’t make the world perfect or kind for them, but knowing there my daughters and their amazing qualities…well, i’m sorry that at this point in their lives, their peers are missing out on them.  don’t get me wrong – they LOVE their school and would go to college there if they could!  i know what i know because of the conversations we have.  i absorb their hurts and, of course, bring them to God and ask for His help.

then, to make matters worse, not only are they backstage crew, but their jobs are to hand the props to the prop-handlers who place them onstage…in other words, i am sure amidst all the chaos that naturally goes along with this type production, my girls are unable to clearly hear what is going on to a degree that they are not involved in much at all.

i have told my 6th grader on multiple occasions, ‘if i was in your grade, we would be best friends!’ or ‘i would invite you to every party!’  my 5th grader is a little more outgoing and socially, i think she does better.

as i said, i filter things through a mom’s heart.  i bring everything before God.  i know He makes a way, even when, in the world’s eyes, it seems small.

my 6th grader is often the first one in the car in the morning to remind us to say our morning prayers.  she is kind and considerate way beyond her years.  my 5th grader is ever-thankful for her family and lets me know regularly…often, i receive texts from her that read, “I love you, momma!!!!  Have a great day today!  I am grateful to have you for a mom!  You are healthy and awesome!”  this is followed by rows and rows of hearts, flowers, kiss-blowing smilie faces, etc.

they are amazing.  they amaze me.  they keep me focused.  they will do great things.  they already are.  i just wish pre-puberty wasn’t so daunting…

peace.  give it up, y’all.  tell Him thank you.  He loves you right where you are AT THIS MOMENT!  He wants to bless you!!!!  the reading this morning was one of my favorites – you know the one about us humans being wicked would not give a stone to our children who ask for food.  think of what our Heavenly Father will do for us!!!!  He loves us so much!!!  don’t miss out on your blessings!!!  just ask!!!!