had to say this – trying to convince my 4th grader to go to school late today due to grandparent’s day – very awkward for my girls because my parents are both in Heaven and their dad’s dad is really sick and doesn’t get out. “I’ll bring you late, I tell her,” but she told me, “I want to go to Communion, Mom, there’s Mass.” Wow. I just held her hand and looked at an angel. I couldn’t say anything for a long time! “That’s beautiful. Never mind, sweetie. I’ll be there.” So, now I’m going to stand in place of grandparents again…and go to Communion with my littlest angel 🙂
This has been one of those days…a WONDERFUL, productive day. I wondererd about it too, early, because I didn’t get a good night’s sleep and woke up feeling very female-ey. Get the picture? Yeah. backache. cramps. So, having such low expectations and then having this amazing day is really a wonderful blessing. I even made up my sit-ups from yesterday that I didn’t do because I ATE TOO MUCH and drank too much fluid! I couldn’t imagine that steep incline…but today, I did it. 25 without my medicine ball, 25 with. Felt very empowered after cuz my shoulders look good. dang good.
almost walked on treadmill, but realized God’s treadmill outside is WAY more beautiful and inviting. So, I put on my ugly sketcher fitness shoes, velcroed my thumb weights, cranked up some Jack Johnson and power walked to the gate and back.
to further awesome-up this day, i spent a solid hour in prayer in the adoration chapel at our boys’ high school. it’s always a great experience; how could it not be, y’all? i mean, really, God is THERE. taking that time out is such an important part of my life. it is the core of my life. my mom always told me to put God first. i never knew what she meant. i wish she would have told me so that i could have tried harder sooner! but i know now. and i have been on this path for years, thank you God. it still amazes me. my relationship with God became immensely better when i found out i was pregnant with my son. i recollect the moment of reality. with alex, it was different. terror was involved. fear of loss of life was definitely involved. so, with my son, i was able to focus on the beauty of what was happening more than focusing on not getting my tail kicked. i knew my purpose. i loved knowing. i’ve never been the same. i was still at times, pulled off course by the devil himself, but he didn’t win. God did. i have felt God’s hands take my face, turn it up to Him, and refresh my spirit. “Look at Me,” He tells me, “Keep your eyes on Me.” So i do. He repeatedly ignites my desire to be obedient to Him no matter what crud gets dropped into my day.
so, i think some days i feel more strongly that i exist in the palm of His hand. today is one of those days.
and, this, i know with every fiber of my being: any space that we perceive to be empty space in our hearts, can ONLY be filled by Him. i don’t even think it’s empty space. i think we simply perceive it as such because we are not doing all we should be doing in our prayer lives or our relationship with God. either way, my heart feels fullest when i keep my face up toward Him.
may the peace of our Lord be with each of you…
She was there today, with me. 22 years ago she was there with me, too, but in my womb. She was there today, of all masses, to be there. The mass about life. The sanctity of life. The horror of abortion. The moment we came into being. How God loved us before we even knew…anything. The moment His plan was put into action, He loved us and knew everything. She made me nervous. I couldn’t be a mom. I wasn’t even a good person. She didn’t deserve me. I didn’t deserve her. She was cocooned but not forever. I remember wanting to be pregnant for ever so I could have her with me forever. Then she was here. On my belly, screaming her beautiful little head off. And for a split second, I thought of scooping her up and running away, right there off the delivery table. But in another second, I conversed with God and He helped me know her parents were waiting for her in Louisiana. He helped me know she would be better there. With them. Without me. I wasn’t a good person. I lived with someone who pretty regularly beat the hell out of me. He really was not a good person. He didn’t even want me to have her. I couldn’t stand him. I thought if I could get her into this world safely and into their arms safely, I would have succeeded. And I did. I also blocked off a tiny part of my heart where she lived. I dumped all my feelings for her in there and sealed it up. Every time I would think of a landmark in her little life, I would place those feelings in that corner. As the years went by, it wasn’t so hard. I would see her every once in awhile, but seeing her was way too hard. I would look up her family’s name in the phone book and drive past and imagine her playing in the yard or riding her bike. I loved her so much it hurt my soul.
She was there with me today. So beautiful. I am still so undeserving. But I am a good person and I know that now. God showed me. I am still in awe at the amazing young woman who looks at me. She is intelligent and beautiful and sweet. She is perfect. Just like she was 22 years ago…her birthday is March 6. I know I did the right thing.
Listening to Father Joe today affirmed that for me, once again. But she was right next to me. It was wonderful. I haven’t seen her in so long, but there we were listening to words that meant so much to us both. I love her so much, she could never know. I have never felt worthy to call her my daughter, but I am the person who, with God’s help, brought her into this world. In that conversation with God today, he helped show me that decisions are not always easy. Sometimes they affect our entire lives and our entire beings. But sometimes making the right decision is simply what we must do. He showed me that. She showed me that, too.
Peace. Better than that, may our Lord’s peace be with each of you…