Monthly Archives: February 2016

Day Seven.

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This week has flown by. I intended on doing blog posts all week, but here I am. AnyWho…

I took a crazy long nap on Tuesday mid day while listening to the Bible. I woke up with my phone ringing. That was the last day I took a nap. I have taken a nap almost every day for over the last year I would say. I really understand the power of emotional energy. I have been pretty protective of my emotional energy store this week.

My intention has been to give myself a month to get to my new situation and to be pretty gentle on myself. Lots of prayer, lots of meditation, lots of quiet low vibration. Lots of fires in the fireplace and lots of burning incense.

I received a phone call from my 10th-grader on Thursday night. She was clearly afraid and in tears. Her dad started an ugly fight with her after trashing her dreams. Of course, I was bombarded with texts all night after that explaining why this altercation was all her fault. I didn’t read them and I certainly didn’t respond to them. After a lot of prayer the following morning I had a conversation with him. True to form, we was trying to put all of our little family on the same side as far as needing better communication skills. Further, he and said 10th-grader needed to figure out a way to make sure this kind of thing didn’t happen again. Screeeech…wh-whatttt?! Back the truck up. Woahhh. If you think you’re going to sit there and tell me any of this was her responsibility, this conversation is over. This was not her fault. This was your fault. You are verbally and emotionally abusive.

On a positive note, she and I have had a very peaceful calm weekend. We saw Race; we cooked; we took Neville on very long walks while exploring our neighborhood; we went to Mass; we had great conversations; we laughed; we shopped for Sweet 16 decorations.

I love her. She inspires me. She is such a truly beautiful soul. When I think of my life and the lack of direction, lack of support, lack of protection I experienced…well, I won’t allow that to be her truth. I trust God. Each time I start to wander in my mind beyond the limits of this 24-hour block, I think of God and I know He is already there and I don’t have to worry. I know that worrying is simply me trying to take back control of my own life and I don’t want to do that. My best thinking got me here. Now, my best thinking keeps me in God’s capable, loving hands. Thy Will be done. Every.day.

Day 2.

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I got up bright and early to go help get my daughters to school on time. Right at 7 o’clock I received a message that my 10th graders school was canceled because of the bad weather coming. She was really happy she didn’t have to get up at all and she was actually intending on missing the day anyway because she didn’t feel well. The guy in this picture greeted me with the fact that he had to call 911 at 10:30 last night because he thought he was having a heart attack. He was still standing there and I didn’t get a phone call last night so I thought that was a good thing then there’s the whole attack thing about why I don’t look like I care that he had to call 911. Are we separating like isn’t this part of the whole problem? It has been A bit of an emotional roller coaster today with him cereal

texting me along with the incessant phone calls so I don’t have to miss out on the actual verbal abuse about how pathetic I am for not helping him more.i’m sorry… I know there are grammatical errors and spacing errors in this. I am actually dictating it. I am pretty emotionally exhausted. I also saw my counselor yesterday whose most important advice for me was to trust my instincts. When dealing with a narcissist not getting sucked back into the world full of his life requires a lot of emotional strength. Which is why I’m sure I came home and fell so deeply asleep until the phone rang… Guess who? Yep. Why can’t you just stay here when I feel bad?

On a better note I prayed a rosary and then had a killer leg workout along with my shakeology. I am considering going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. Considering is the keyword because I feel very much like isolating which is usually a clue for me that I need a meeting.

So I pretty much feel like throwing up because of my nerves. I am tempted to future trip, but I don’t want to. I am sober and I actually feel extremely strong in my sobriety. That feels really good.

So there we have day two of the seemingly somewhat difficult separation. Trust trust trust. God help me. 

    
 

Day 1.

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Today was just weird. I went to the dentist thinking I was getting a scan for my implant process. But the lady told me she was going to numb my mouth. What??? Who gets their mouth to do a scan? Oh no, she said we have to expose the implant hardware. More WTF. Don’t let anybody kid you… Expose means a shot and a sharp instrument and cutting and blood and stitches. Not a scan. So the wonderful dentist comes in and I asked him are you sure you should be doing this while I’m awake? Oh yeah, it’ll be over in under five minutes. 😂😂😂😂😂🙋👸 anyWho I was brave. I did what I had to do. I was a little freaked out. They were right about one thing: I have a fairly intensive headache from my upper jaw all the way across my upper face and forehead so there’s that…

And, I’m not sure how it all played out, but today is day one of our separation. There was no drama, which is good. We sat with our daughters and explained to them that we are going to try this out and see how things go. Even though the subtle barbs were still thrown at me like Japanese throwing stars throughout this conversation, I believe we are all pretty relieved at this conclusion.

I have decided that I have to trust God in this situation especially. He has helped me see that I can’t afford to future trip, but I can do the very best to my ability with this 24 hours… This moment. And I am willing and happy to do that. 

It feels a little strange of course being away from the house and my daughters and my beloved dog. I have craved a peaceful existence for so long that I am actually OK with it. My older daughter told me privately that when she is with her dad alone or me alone, things are much more on and even keel. And God knows my daughters deserve peace. 

I had coffee with a treasured friend today which was wonderful. I trust her and she gets me. I also booked a flight. For the first time in over 20 years me and both my sisters are having a weekend long slumber party in Atlanta, where one of my sisters lives. I can’t put into words how excited I am about that trip. I hate to bring up the N-word (narcissist), but it may help someone read that part of what they do is to isolate their victims from all family and friends contact. The victims’ world gets extremely small until the focus is laser pointed on the abuser and his world. 

So, I am happy and proud of myself that I am able to make positive changes. I am looking forward, asking for help when I need it, and trying to be of service when I can. I am kind of thinking that this new employer idea from the big book may actually be in my future too. 

I am happy and grateful.

Thank you, God.

Los Angeles Marathon 2016

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I just woke up from a comatose fatigue induced sugar induced comatose nap. Careful readers will know that I often work backwards from the present. I’m not sure what this will be like but it’s got to be put into words to be believed.

I left Thursday morning bright and early without my daughters to go to Los Angeles in order to run the marathon and visit my son.  The ache and sad division in my heart was palpable. It stings now even to think about it. It did, however, help to solidify some things. For instance I know God’s words on my heart that things will always be like this. 

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Right?

AnyWho… I got to Los Angeles. I had a great time with my son. I am always amazed with each visit and how far he has come and the growth he shows as he becomes an independent young man.

I stayed at a hotel in Redondo Beach on Thursday night. On Friday and Saturday nights, I stayed at the Fairmont Hotel in Santa Monica. This would be the hotel at the finish line of the marathon. The Fairmont was utterly amazing. The staff was as kind and helpful as they could be and the hotel was absolutely impeccable. If I were grading it, I would give it an A plus plus plus.

We went to mass on Saturday night and then back to the hotel fairly early so I could get an early night sleep, which I got at about 10 o’clock. My wake up call was for 415, but I woke up at 3:50. I read and prayed and meditated for a little while and then I got up and got myself ready and headed downstairs.  I inquired about where the buses were at City Hall, and was happily informed that there was a bus outside a different entrance of the hotel that I could take to get to Dodger Stadium for the marathon. I did a 180, went out where I was instructed, and there was a bus, just waiting for me to get on it with two empty seats. 

I paid for the VIP tent for myself. I must admit this was a bit disappointing. First of all, there was no coffee, a must for marathoners. There were no heaters in the tent as promised. “Breakfast breads” actually met Lenders bagels in their packages waiting to be consumed. My thought is that at the very least there should’ve been a variety of bread, such as croissants or pastries. There could have also been things to put on the bagels, like butter or jelly or cream cheese. This writer here planned on that being breakfast, so I was a little surprised and disappointed. Still, as first world problems go, it was all good and I ate what was offered. There were bathrooms cordoned off for us to and the lines were pretty amazingly long there as well. I ended up having to stop around mile three to use the bathroom, which was still a five minute wait.

The race began uppill and had lots of wonderful hills in the first six-ish miles. It was a difficult race for me because my training had fallen apart so badly at the early part of December. I was relying mostly upon my marathon experience and had no expectations for a finish time. For me, getting to the starting line and crossing the finish line or my sole expectations. The course was amazing with a lots of entertainment in bands along the sidelines. There was so much eye candy in the form of Los Angeles – landmarks everywhere it’s seemed and the people, I didn’t use my headphones at all. The crowd support was unbelievable. I finished the race and five hours and 15 minutes, by far, my longest marathon ever. In retrospect, I wonder what implementing a walk run method would have done to my time.

I crossed the finish line much later than anticipated which meant I would be getting to the airport much later than anticipated. I did not make the cut off to check my bag curbside. I had to check it in at the desk inside where there was a line and I ended up missing my flight at 3:50 yesterday afternoon. Then came the scary part. There were no flights that I was a guaranteed a flight on, for the rest of the day yesterday, or today. 😳 there I was standing there, extremely sore and fatigue from the marathon, with no immediate hope of getting home. I really wanted to cry. I stepped out of line to consider my options and finally went with the option of being on standby for the midnight flight last night. At 12 o’clock, I was the last one called on the standby list. I was thanking God and Mary because I prayed to both of them for their help. I really wanted to get home. So I made my way onto the extremely crowded plane and took my seat between two very tired and thankfully very small fellow passengers. Then my defective thinking kicked in… It goes everywhere with me and rears its head when least expected. Oh my gosh I thought, how am I going to sleep on this almost 3 hour flight to Dallas I wondered. And what if the chick near the window needs to use the bathroom while I’m sleeping? Alas, they were fleeting thoughts and I was quickly asleep. We landed a few hours later. I still managed to fall back asleep between touchdown and deplaning. I was exhausted. On top of that, I still wasn’t assured a flight home from Dallas. But at least I was finished with the hardest part of the trip which was getting to Dallas from Los Angeles. In my mind, I knew that I could always rent a car and drive myself home if I couldn’t get on a flight that morning. It would be a 6 Hour drive if that proved to be the case. I found my way to Starbucks, and then to the gates that I was again on standby for a 9 o’clock flight home to Lafayette. I was so happy and relieved when she called my name to get on the plane.

I made my flight! My suitcase was actually on that flight – thanks God! – and so I was able to get going pretty quickly. I drove straight to Starbucks – black coffee stat plus a pound to bring home.

So now – Saturday February 20 – had a run/walk last night. Still pretty fatigued in my lower body. I’ll continue to listen to my body. Mentally, I’m good – ready to get back to a fitness & nutrition regimen. The whole situation with my daughters is still very painful in my mind. When I share it with people close to me, the reaction is always the same. “Why???” The answer is that he didn’t want to be alone and for narcissists, they will get their way on certain issues no matter how many tears are shed because ultimately, it’s about them.

On a healthier note, it’s the weekend and I am very grateful. 

Struggle

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Needing to get this out of my head and heart. I’m an isolating introvert…for now…so, here goes…

I’ve been signed up for the LA Marathon for about 6 months or so. I did everything I needed to except air because I was watching for low fares. As time moved forward, I realized that my daughters would be out of school this week for Mardi Gras and they could actually make the trip with me. My son is out there & you get the picture. It would be fun…

So, December gets here. No airfare. Christmas. Rush. Hurry up & be happy, yadda yadda yadda. New York happened. Came back. I got sick. Most of us did. Hubs got Flu Type A plus viral/bacterial pneumonia in both lungs.  2 hospital stays. Been home for a month; still recovering. 

He got himself released the night before I was to run the Louisiana Half Marathon. I got up at 4:15 & so did he. Long story short, no half marathon for me. I was crushed. I panicked. I felt guilty. Not in that order. So, I freaked out at 6 in the morning & I found air for Los Angeles. I had been watching it for a couple of days & it was going up. 😳 I bought air on his card (never did that before) for me AND my girls. An executive decision is what I like to say…

So, a couple of weeks after that, I finally brought it up to hubs…that the marathon was coming up and I still had every intention of going (even tho my long runs had fallen off). Go, he said, but I won’t be ferrying the girls around everywhere. No worries! They will be with ME!🙋

The proverbial shit hit the fan. 

It hasn’t stopped. 

So, here I am 2 days away from leaving.

Do I:

Go regardless.

Go only if my girls can come.

Don’t go at all.

I hate that this is the situation I have allowed to happen. I don’t know how to stop it. The thing that comes to mind most is to feel the fear and do it anyway.

I am trying so hard to trust God and to listen to His Will.

I’m angry.

This should be a fun time and we should be joyful and planning. We aren’t. 

I feel once again like the elephant who was captive all it’s life and once the chain is removed, still doesn’t move because she doesn’t know how.

My heart is truly torn. I’m angry because I know that if my behavior caused somene I loved to get an apartment and to start trying to make money on their own because of fear & lack of trust for me, I would…I don’t know what. I’m not a narcissist. I can’t know. I feel like I am having to choose – plus I haven’t mentioned that I am really looking forward to a couple of days with my son. The recovery scene in LA is refreshing and hanging out with my son is always a joy.

I have to find a way to take charge of my recovery once and for all. I suppose progress is recognizing the sickness, and willingness to grow and change, despite the fear.

In the words of an acquaintance recently, regarding one of his familial relationships, “I love you, but I’m tired of this shit.” Well said, bro.

Here I am God, your slow to learn servant awaits.