It’s hard to unknow what we know. I feel so broken and numb inside. I know this is exactly what the narcissist wants. Complete ruin while he sits in the middle of it like a Pharisee. That same mouth that he tore down my daughter with yesterday is the same mouth that he called her over with this morning so she could kiss him goodbye before school. Sick motherfucker.
He sat there with his brother this morning, reading scripture and telling his brother how strong the Holy Spirit has been moving in his life. It makes me sick.
I know that people deserve forgiveness and chances. I don’t believe, however, that turning a blind eye to such obvious abuse is right. And when you factor in the fact that we are married, well, there is a higher level of expectation there.
He came with us to the meeting at church and googled his phone and fell asleep twice during the 55 minute meeting.
I just need to get stuff out. I’m burning here and I need help. What is right? To stay here until both daughters graduate and get my own life in order, as much as that is possible? Or do I leave now, before my daughters senior year next year and deal with all that brings to the equation?
I’m depending on God. I still don’t feel great. I’m taking today to do what I need to do for me, which right now is sleep. And pray. God help me. God help him. I figure if I can pray for those evil freaks in Isis, I can pray for my husband, too. And I do. I just find myself telling God a disclaimer beforehand – God, I know we are supposed to pray for those who persecute us, and I gotta tell ya – I’m going through the motions here.
God help me.
Sometimes I believe if I don’t document the craziness, I almost can’t believe it actually happened. This morning I woke up on day 3 with a Burning sore throat. I knew I would go to the doctor today. I can hear my daughter come in the front door from her sleepover. I could hear my husband saying something to her. I am not kidding when I say within 30 seconds I could hear him outside the back part of our house calling her a little motherfucker. I’ve literally bolted out of bed, Flew down the stairs, and into the backyard to see WTF was going on. She was standing there completely traumatized. He was in a rage, screaming that if only she…, If she would have done…,
How does one enter a moment of insanity like that? I quickly prayed to God as to what to say and do. I tried to remain calm which was difficult. I told him that regardless of anything she could have done in the 30 seconds that she was home, he was the one who had control over his reaction. It went on for a little while, with him continuing to scream and point fingers at me and her for his rage. EditAnyway, this is a prime example of gaslighting. Ugly rage just comes out of nowhere and is blamed solely on the recipients.
So I went to the doctor before the dust could settle. I’m about to go pick up my prescription & start to get much better quickly because I can’t afford to be sick on so many different levels.
I’m pissed at myself because he had this same bacterial infection. He was driving us one day a week or so ago, coughed and sneezed in the closed up car, and didn’t try to mitigate his contamination. I have already been I conditioned not to say anything because it is taken as criticism, not as me trying to prevent me or my girls from catching whatever he had. And narcissist cannot abide by any type of correction.
So my wounds are self inflicted – I have been isolating emotionally – I know it’s because there was a slight lull between gaslighting events and I – in my own sickness – just wanted to feel normal for a little while.
Sigh. Lull over.
God help us.