14 Months plus 1

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Today makes 14 months since I last drank. I am thankful for that decision every single day, 99 percent of the time. That 1 percent is why I will remain sober, with God’s help.  It’s such an insidious pos disease. Today, for instance, as I scrolled thru FB, I saw a beautiful courtyard at sunset that someone had posted. My mind – faster than light – wow, I bet it would be nice to get drunk there. Huh? Where’d that come from? Then, just as fast, I envisioned lost sobriety (which has no guarantees either way…some people “go out” and never make it back to a sober moment), a raging hangover, and all the fallout you can imagine. Those crazy moments are the ones that rarely encroach upon me, but are the moments that God is looking right at me, waiting for me to ask for help. I always do and He always does.  

Anywho…today also marks a month since I formed a healthy boundary in an unhealthy situation…in a beautiful hotel in Santa Monica, I said the wrong thing…too much surliness in my voice I’m told…regardless, my words unleashed a hell storm that, as I stood there, shaking, trying to be strong and unmoved, calling on Jesus in head, I somehow hit record, and I knew that I knew that I knew, I would never ever ever be held financially hostage again and endure the kind of garbage I’d endured for years. Just like that, it was over in my mind.  For years, the mantra was…if you would only just…if you didn’t…if you said…if you,if you, if you…EFF YOU. How ’bout that? You like that?   Then, barely 2 hours later, the sickness contained, I stood by, watching him recite biblical scripture to my family…I felt sick. 

I forwarded a copy of the recording to our amazing-beyond-words therapist.  Have you ever been in such a crazy mess that you almost can’t believe it’s real? And you just want a normal human’s take on it?  Well, that’s where I was. 

Being a codependent, I know that I don’t trust myself the way that I should, but that is changing the healthier I get.  I know people who are healthy and who I trust. And I’m getting to where I’m not afraid to ask for help. 

    
 So…fast forward to now…we are separating…I have had an apartment for 2 weeks. He bought the girls their beds, which was nice.  Tomorrow, their stuff gets delivered along with our living room furniture.  The girls and I are excited. 

Our therapist calls this separation a chance to detox from the relationship. I agree. I’m not sure what will happen. 

God began really putting separation on my heart last July & I didn’t do what He wanted. I kept trying to mold His plans into my human ideas of what would be easy for ME. UNCOOL.  I guess it’s no coincidence that my biggest struggle that I uncovered in working my 12 steps was my lack of complete trust in God. I know it now, though, and He helps us when we are earnest in our desire. I believe that recognizing my weaknesses and bringing them to God will allow Him to shape me the way that will best serve Him.  So…I breathe deeeeply…I ask Him to blot me out so people can see Him…I want to work for Him.  My ways…stink. I see that.  These days, I feel His presence in calming ways, knowing that I am being obedient.  My mind gets so tired & that’s when I realize the reason for that is because I’m still trying to do all the work!   

He’s got this…

Adding

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So.  Breaking away from what holds us hostage to our past is NEVER easy.  I am almost in an apartment to seal the deal on our separation.  Of course, I am constantly barraged about how senseless and reckless I am, especially with money…a slacker with champagne tastes.  hmm.  I beg to differ.

Yesterday evening, since my husband uses my daughters as pawns and won’t let us see each other unless I come back here, I went to Mass at the Cathedral in town.  I was pleasantly surprised to walk in and hear the Rosary being prayed.  I joined in.  Mass was lovely.  I was actually trying to decide between an AA meeting & Mass.  As God would have it, I trusted Him, and look where He lead me:  Rosary, Mass, AND an AA meeting!

I am starting to make sense of meditation.  Because of my upbringing, I always thought meditation was a hippie-thing.  Not for people who worshiped God and for sure not for people who claim Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, like me.  Well, after Mass, I had about :15 minutes or so before I needed to leave for the meeting.  And I meditated.  Right there in church.  I just fixed my gaze on Jesus.  Sometimes I closed my eyes, sometimes not.  The healthier I become, the more in tune I become with energy.  It’s amazing.  And I felt the presence of Jesus’ beautiful energy enveloping me and loving me and assuring me that I was, indeed, on the right path.  It might feel odd, not having my daughters with me every night.  That hurts.  It pokes at my heart like nothing else.  My husband knows that, too.  That’s why he uses them in that way.  But God looks upon our hearts.  And I know that what God sees in my heart is that I am trying my best to be obedient to Him.

After my meeting, I went to Fresh Market & bought some candy & a big bottle of Italian sparkling water.  I went to the hotel of the night, where they just happened to have one room left due to a recent cancellation (thanks, God), prayed, and went to bed.

Real. Numb.

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A week away in Cali. This post is more to sort thru my feelings & maybe help someone else along the way. Keeping up the front for the sake of my children until I get a plan in place is wearing me out.  We got there on Thursday. The emotional abuse revved up Thursday night & I ended up in the lobby of a super-fancy hotel with a change of clothes shoved into a recyclable bag, wondering wtf I was going to do. My daughters had their hopes up for this trip for months. When things settled, I went back to our room, numb. Friday was “good” meaning crazy kept his crazy flag rolled up and out of sight. Saturday morning was blisteringly painful, yet again. But this time, I recorded the onslaught. I sent a copy to our counselor and to a trusted dear friend. Turns out, I’m not “crazy with a capital K” as I am oft labeled. But this is crazy. Certifiably so. Less than 2 hours later, narcissism was in full bloom, quoting scripture from the Bible. I was internally disgusted. If they only knew. Well, I know. It has taken me years of digging, of things not sitting right with me, of me continually asking deeper questions…I am married to a narcissist.  The front looks great; it always looks great – look at my children; look at my wife; see how great I am?  I have months of posts in my head for me to simply make sense of all this. But I know now and that’s the most important thing. 

One favorite trick of narcissists is to always keep their victims off-balance…like I am now…there is so much to do. I feel paralyzed with exhaustion. Those 2 huge events in Cali, together with the “aftershocks” (recollection of events from the view of the narcissist), all played out on vacation prevents the “normal” course of feelings from flowing naturally – instead of me getting pissed off in Cali, I stuffed it the entire time for the benefit of the group. Now I’m home. Exhausted. I would be the crazy one if I revisited that sickness. 

We just got home this afternoon. Life with a narcissist is draining. I got into my bed at 6:45. I just want to cry. My daughters. The damage done. The damage that will continue to be done. My son. My step-children. Oh, my God, please help us all. 

Tomorrow I have a root canal in the morning. I’m actually looking forward to it because I have been living with a dull throbbing headache for weeks.  My energy level is crazy low.

There are so many decisions to be made. I can’t live in this hellhole anymore.

Dear God, hold my hand and lead me where You would have me go.  I love You and I trust You.

Dear God

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What hurts You more? That we stay in loveless situations like broken machines that spew out glass shards sometimes, rose petals at others…or that someone stands up and says, “THIS is bullshit! You don’t own our lives! We were not made to be a sacrifice for you!” But we aren’t talking to You; we are talking to the one who tries to dole You out to us, so sick that he doesn’t realize we have our own separate personal relationships with You…And how do we know when to go? What amount of pain is the threshold? The sadness in my daughters? The sadness in me? Seeing the train wreck that it is, waaay down the track and not jumping off until right before? Have I said the right prayers? Have I said them enough? Have I not humbled myself enough before You? Tell me, God. Because THIS pain is not what You gave us Your Son for…this blockage that prevents Your Joy from flowing through our lives.  I give You my life; it is nothing without You. Do something. You know my heart.  Feeling like I am perched on the edge of a razor blade, I am forever Your child, Mary 

A good day.

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It has been rough.  If you follow me, you know that.  I’m not complaining; I’m just stating fact.  My personal stuff, my brother’s passing, etc.  Yesterday, I trusted God enough to say what needed to be said to hubs.  I’m not going to get into the details, but it was scary for me because I abhor confrontation.  But God has really been pulling me toward him and on Tuesday, as I was driving and trying to figure out a company name that I needed to call, “Lean not on your own understanding,” just plopped itself right down on my heart.  I knew it was a direct message to me from God.  As much as I pray, that’s not one of my regular go-to thoughts and I was not even in prayer at the time.  I got it.  I thanked Him out loud.  I knew what He meant.  So, the conversation took place.  I felt like a cinder block had been lifted off my chest.  I believe that taking God’s cue freed up something that was clogging me spiritually from receiving from Him what I need to receive and also puts me in the way of hubs and God.  And it doesn’t end there.  I realized today that a lot of upset in my household has stemmed from God not being at the helm.  Hubs is.  Or so he thinks.  Bless his heart.  He really wants to be.  I also know that where God does not reign front & center, will not be successful.  So, while I don’t feel like a failure for stating out loud my truth to hubs about my heart and the feelings therein, I do feel like I am headed where God wants.  And that’s where I want to be.

So, today I met with my brand new client!  I am rocking it as a health coach!  I’m so excited!  She asked me half way through our session, “How do you know so much about all this?”  :))))))  “It’s what I love!” was my reply. :)  Before I met with her, my 8th grade daughter’s class celebrated Mass – wow.  It was really beautiful and she looked so beautiful.  I’ll post a pic from my phone.  (I know my limits technologically :)  I began Month 2 of Max :30 and then I went for a run.  It has been a great day.

P.S.  When I ran where I normally do my big laps, there are several construction sites at the moment.  We have neighborhood security & I noticed that he drove through as I was doing my laps.  He left that area & then came back through.  I left then and about a half mile down the road, he stopped & rolled down his window to ask if everything was okay & did anyone bother me!  I thought that was really cool!  I told him that it was all good & those guys have never said anything to me.  I usually shoot them a peace sign as I run to let them know that I see them, I’m not a snob, and hey, man, can’t we all just get along? :)  Anywho, I just thought it was cool that this guy would go to the trouble.

Alright.  Time for sushi.  Peace :)

Numb.

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We had my brother’s service today.  It has been a rough few days.  I have slept like a rock and that’s good/weird.  It’s over now.  I came home from the Mercy Meal at my sister’s, put on workout clothes (comforting), and sat by the pool to watch my daughters and hopefully snooze.  It started raining, too hard even for me, and I came in and crashed on the couch.

I just feel weird.  numb.  sad.  wondering about my brother’s children who are all 20 & up.  Thinking about my brother. Hoping and believing he heard me while he was in a coma.  I think he and I were cool.  Always the unspoken, ‘i’d be there for you in a heartbeat.’  i miss him.

Keep riding, Brud.  See you on the other side.