Codependency slips

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I wasn’t sure what to call this post and realize the truth works. Now let’s just hope this actually posts. I’ve been doing well under the circumstances. That’s code for I’m sober, I’m accountable, I’m working my 12 steps, etc…hubs isn’t (well he’s sober:). It’s extremely difficult to exist near someone who consistently thinks I’m the only broken one. Remaining quiet as opposed to loud does not equate to mental wellness. We were scheduled to go to a family encounter tomorrow in Dallas – that plan is called off pending my “sincere apology” for the way I acted this afternoon. What-the-what???! One of the earliest things I learned in recovery from codependency was that apologies on demand are all about control and power. Ain’t happening. Next on tap as I came to bed was an order to pack some bags and get the f out. In due time, due time. So the codependent slip for me is his bigness, his loudness IS scary. I hate the way I feel. I am bugging the uknowwhat outta my HP – God – to help me thru this. It sucks. It is almost debilitating. I just freeze. Even tho I know what he says isn’t true, it shakes me and scares me. The difference now is that I don’t keep secrets anymore. Keeping secrets keeps me sick. Not interested. So, that’s ma slip. There are tons of good things on my mind to share, but I’m really exhausted.  

 

9 months sobriety today :)

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I’m really happy about that. Me, a cradle Catholic who had her first glass of wine while sitting in a high chair. SITTING IN A HIGH CHAIR, PEOPLE. You can’t make this stuff up. But, as I continue on my journey, I see things through different eyes. It’s natural, I know. Me, who failed EVERYTIME giving up alcohol for Lent. 100% of the time I gave up alcohol for Lent, I failed. I thought God was laughing at me. He probably was. If I had a spot like Him, I would laugh at me. But it’s all good. 9 months! Go, me! Things for me are good. Things for everything & everyone else I’m involved with – not so good. Some relationships are stellar, like with my son. And my daughters and step-children. Those are all great. Okay, it’s me and hubs. We still suck. We still suck in the same house. Barely. But I don’t want to get into that today. I treated myself to a run. As I was running in the back of the neighborhood, I remembered why I started running at all. “No wife of mine is going to work out at the health club while I am stuck in the office all day making money.” sigh. what.EVER. Not having any fight in me, BUT having an overload of co-dependency, I submitted. Easily. Okay, I understand. But I still had a lot of junk in the trunk after two back to back pregnancies. Hmm. Let’s see. No gym. Fat ass. What’s a girl to do? Running! It’s free, right? Free enough. I have shoes. I have a stroller. So, that’s what I did. I started running and pushing my little bundles. Everyone loved it and the fresh air was just what we needed. Then came a 5K for my son’s school. I had to look up how far that was and then go mark it in the neighborhood. I couldn’t run a mile without stopping. And that part of the neighborhood seemed SO FAR AWAY! But, I just kept plugging away at it. I missed that 5K because I couldn’t run the whole thing. Derrrr. Ever heard of walking? Anywho. I kept at it. The following March I ran a 5K in 29 minutes & I was hooked. I was in competition with myself. And talk about piss off my husband. Back then, I thought he’d be happy because I was doing what he wanted. (LOL) “If I do THIS, he will be happy! Oh, if I do THIS, he will be happy!” ppsssh. Whatever. It didn’t happen then, and it’s not happening now. BUT, the GOOD NEWS? I don’t care! I focus on myself and God’s Will for me. Each and every day, I beg Him to be in my life, keep me from the desire to drink, to guide me where He wants me to go. He does a great job! I do okay. But, that’s why there are 24 hours & then it all starts again. We give up control – again. We ask for His help – again. We do the best we can – again.

Next week, I am taking my daughters to DisneyWorld. Mother/daughter time. I.can’t.wait. We are all very excited. Except 8th grader. She doesn’t want to miss some Mardi Gras festivities happening at school. But she has an airline ticket, so if she wants to come, she can change her mind at the last minute!

Through God’s help, I am realizing that I really am only responsible for myself and my children – the young ones because they still need a lot of raising!

Life is good. Thank You, God. Peace out, y’all!

Ps – I just saw that today’s date is the 5th! My sobriety date is May 6!👸👏💃☺️

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“No wife of mine is going to spend her days at the gym!”

“Okay…I’ll figure out something.” 😆16 marathons later…bam! Stronger than I thought🙏😊

Sigh

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So much to say but for now…daughter starts ‘regular’ school tomorrow. This is a good thing. All interested parties are a double thumbs-up. I just went in to have a moment with her – a prayer & a blessing for her to start this new part of her little life. Didn’t happen. She was deaf, resistant to turning over her iPad & to make matters worse, neville apparently had escaped the confines of the laundry room (my remedy for cold weather/persnickety beagle/need for all of us to sleep), run upstairs & was frisky over the shenanigans…all this was fueled by 9th grader who wanted to say goodnight to her little sister (code for ‘I want to rub in the fact that I don’t have school till Tuesday) but was laughing hysterically at the antics – neville was growling, 8th grader couldn’t hear, I was freaking out because I didn’t want him to bite her. Geez.

I have the iPad tucked away. Neville is
Back in the laundry room. No prayer was said. No blessing was bestowed. No touching mother daughter mention was had. 9th grader is in bed. 8th grader is now In bed after getting fussed at by her dad. I’m going to pray anyway. And be thankful I’m sober. Peace.out.

December

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Second Sunday of Advent. Trying really hard to be present. This whole sobriety thing is a trip. Like a hard trip in summer without air conditioning or a credit card hard. Yesterday was 7 months sobriety/dry for me. I don’t have a sponsor and I Really, really want one. I’m busy. I worked out last night at almost 10:00. Just everything happening at once. I am going to see my son before Christmas. I keep reminding myself that’s why God gave us 24 hours in a day. I’m trying to make goals for each day and that seems to be helping. I don’t know how normal-seeming people do it. My big book is a huge blessing. I continue to read and study my 12 steps. I know God is with me. He is all over those steps, y’all. Just needed to vent a little bit.

Merry Christmas.

Making the most

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So here I am – coffee, fireplace going, successful sleepover for 14-year old daughter…my 9th grader just left with her dad to play her first high school soccer game. It’s 30 degrees where she’ll be playing. I assumed I would be taking her. I know, assumptions aren’t smart. Sigh. I’m just surprised.

I have my sweet Neville right by my side

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Next weekend I am flying with my daughters to see my son in Los Angeles. They haven’t seen their brother since May. They will be so pleasantly surprised.

Anywho…I’m still loving my school and beachbody coaching. I also discovered something else that is now on my radar – there is an essential oils blending class that I can take online! That’ll be after Institute for Integrative Nutrition. It sounds pretty awesome. I’m really into candle making – all natural/organically scented – my latest batch includes Eucalyptus/Lavender and Peppermint – they both smell pretty amazing. It turns out I’m pretty good at it! And I’m really interested in it. I have always been intrigued by scents and how they affect us…

Gotta run – more later.
Peace out😊

Working backwards…

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I’m here. Alive. Sober. Well. Ran a 10K this morning. Ran the NYC marathon this past Sunday. Epic. Freaking epic. Sigh. Well not to bore you with the maddening details, after the dust settled, we came to the conclusion that we would both rather exist as peacefully as we can within the same house than splitting and ripping everyone and everything apart. It’s working for the most part. Most importantly, I know I am being obedient to God. At the end of the day, that is my biggest desire. It isn’t about this world. I would do anything He called me to do. I might not like it, but I trust Him a lot more than I trust myself. Something I learned in AA is, “My best thinking got me here.” So, on my own, without God at the helm, is not a good plan for me. I have so much more to say but my Bluetooth connection is not happening tonight! I’m still loving Beachbody coaching and my school, Institute for Integrative Nutrition…I wish I would have started my certification sooner, but I’m here now. Peace out, y’all!

Let’s see if this one takes :)

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My last two posts are swirling in cyberspace somewhere. I like to think thet got swallowed up by a yet undiscovered black hole:) it’s more fun that way…

anyWho, where do I start?  At the here and now as always.  Without airing too much dirty laundry, I am in a hotel for two night’s until I can find another place to live.  I would like to say this is a result of ceaseless praying on my part which it is but hubs voted me off the island. Which is what needed to be done but I didn’t have the strength to do it. I love my daughters so much and would have stayed and tolerated anything to be with them every day.  Things are going to be different now but I’m trusting God to work out everything for His good. Even when I’m scared I know he’s right here with me.  This too shall pass.  And at the very least, giving my daughters a 50% chance of normal happiness is worth it.

And I realize to that God’s way is always better than my own way. I believe He prepared me by helping me achieve sobriety beginning in May.  It’s an amazing feeling to deal with problems without any kind of unhealthy vice.

At this point I’m not sure what the future holds.  But I know it’s full of good stuff because God is there and that is exactly what we need when we need it.

As I left yesterday, with the required sheriff’s deputies to assist me, (sigh), I grabbed the Anatomy of Peace (seems odd now, wouldntchasay?) and my Daily Reflections from AA…  I’m not keeping secrets anymore. I want to be well emotionally.  I have to chuckle a little bit as I remember the female deputy’s question, “Has he been drinking?” Almost assured that there had to be alcohol on board.  I answered her, “Oh, no, not at all.”  Now I think, ‘no alcohol; this is how we are! Saturday morning terror!’ Smirk. Sheesh.  As my sweet mom would say, ‘better to laugh than cry.’ She also used to say, ‘better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.’

lol.

so happy I went to Mass yesterday afternoon. Peace, y’all.