Today makes 14 months since I last drank. I am thankful for that decision every single day, 99 percent of the time. That 1 percent is why I will remain sober, with God’s help. It’s such an insidious pos disease. Today, for instance, as I scrolled thru FB, I saw a beautiful courtyard at sunset that someone had posted. My mind – faster than light – wow, I bet it would be nice to get drunk there. Huh? Where’d that come from? Then, just as fast, I envisioned lost sobriety (which has no guarantees either way…some people “go out” and never make it back to a sober moment), a raging hangover, and all the fallout you can imagine. Those crazy moments are the ones that rarely encroach upon me, but are the moments that God is looking right at me, waiting for me to ask for help. I always do and He always does.
Anywho…today also marks a month since I formed a healthy boundary in an unhealthy situation…in a beautiful hotel in Santa Monica, I said the wrong thing…too much surliness in my voice I’m told…regardless, my words unleashed a hell storm that, as I stood there, shaking, trying to be strong and unmoved, calling on Jesus in head, I somehow hit record, and I knew that I knew that I knew, I would never ever ever be held financially hostage again and endure the kind of garbage I’d endured for years. Just like that, it was over in my mind. For years, the mantra was…if you would only just…if you didn’t…if you said…if you,if you, if you…EFF YOU. How ’bout that? You like that? Then, barely 2 hours later, the sickness contained, I stood by, watching him recite biblical scripture to my family…I felt sick.
I forwarded a copy of the recording to our amazing-beyond-words therapist. Have you ever been in such a crazy mess that you almost can’t believe it’s real? And you just want a normal human’s take on it? Well, that’s where I was.
Being a codependent, I know that I don’t trust myself the way that I should, but that is changing the healthier I get. I know people who are healthy and who I trust. And I’m getting to where I’m not afraid to ask for help.
So…fast forward to now…we are separating…I have had an apartment for 2 weeks. He bought the girls their beds, which was nice. Tomorrow, their stuff gets delivered along with our living room furniture. The girls and I are excited.
Our therapist calls this separation a chance to detox from the relationship. I agree. I’m not sure what will happen.
God began really putting separation on my heart last July & I didn’t do what He wanted. I kept trying to mold His plans into my human ideas of what would be easy for ME. UNCOOL. I guess it’s no coincidence that my biggest struggle that I uncovered in working my 12 steps was my lack of complete trust in God. I know it now, though, and He helps us when we are earnest in our desire. I believe that recognizing my weaknesses and bringing them to God will allow Him to shape me the way that will best serve Him. So…I breathe deeeeply…I ask Him to blot me out so people can see Him…I want to work for Him. My ways…stink. I see that. These days, I feel His presence in calming ways, knowing that I am being obedient. My mind gets so tired & that’s when I realize the reason for that is because I’m still trying to do all the work!
He’s got this…