Randomness

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You pulled me outside tonight…

Creepy, foggy darkness 

Illuminated cotton-ball moon.

Running didn’t feel right.

Music & walking with You did.

“Lost” on my search bar 

Turned up amazing songs that mean so much to me. 180 Degrees South = Utah a couple of summers ago. Clear air, clear skies, clear people, clear objectives, clear eyes, clear thoughts (somewhat) and especially clear hearts. My son’s face reflected love and life again. I was honored to witness his re-birth. I just get these fleeting moments of…anxiety/remorse/sorrow over my brother. I know I won’t, but I never want to forget any of our memories, even the bad ones. He fought so hard at times to be the person he so desired to be. I loved when he was in a good place. We could talk for the longest time. He always made me laugh and had the perfect impression of our mom when she was drunk. Joe was a riot. He would take me out on a school night and I would get so loaded that I had to miss school the next day. Loaded as in the next morning I would put my foot on the floor to make the room stop spinning…not my finest moments, but part of my story. We were lost souls, lost siblings…he taught me how to drive a 5-speed one evening and then when we got home, he showed me how to shoot whiskey. Turns out I was good at both.:-/

Anywho…sigh…I guess I’ll be using my blog for a variety of brain dumps. I’m not sure what the half poetry thing is about. I think my brain is tired. I miss Joe. Getting through this without having seen him to tell him goodbye AND not having my sisters present has made this exceptionally difficult. I take refuge in the fact that next weekend me and both my sisters will be together and that will help I’m sure.

Tomorrow is Friday. And Festival International weekend! 

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Sometimes 

This incredibly intense pain

Jumps up and bites me

Right on the throat.

Intense burning pain…

I miss you, Joe.

You loved my poetry;

I loved your plans;

Your fervor for God. 

And now you are with Him

And that’s cool. 

But not really – 

I just really miss you. 

I run and think I’m okay.

Then I turn off the lights to sleep and something just hits me – I’m reminded that I will never see you again until after I die. And I remember how heroin and whatever else wormed itself into your life and took you away from us. 

I just really miss you. 💔

Dear running, I love you.

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The news of my brother’s death came to me on Sunday afternoon. Easter Sunday. My wedding anniversary. That last thing doesn’t hold much weight this year. Anywho.

Beach on Monday. Today is Friday. I am glued to the couch. My body feels completely weighted down. I didn’t go to sleep until almost 4 o’clock this morning. I ate half a box of Froot Loops. I feel like someone has reached in to me and pulled out my heart and my guts. Alcohol is not an option. So yeah… Just pretty much sitting with feelings of extreme uncomfortabibility. My head hurts. it just sucks. Knowing that there will never be another football season ever again that I can give my brother a hard time about Nick Saban just makes me die inside. Never will see another voicemail from him fucked up or elated with life –  makes me sick.

So, my outlet is to run. Until my heart and eyes burn and my legs weaken and I have to stop to release the tears…privately, but not, on some desolate road where i can be alone with my feelings. Joe told me once that tears were the Holy Spirit cleansing me from the inside out. I’ll take that. 

My dad with my brother who died in May from a cycling accident, my brother Joe, and my two sisters – I was not on the scene yet:)

 
My sweet beautiful brother having a good day💟

   
This it is important to me because I have been quiet my whole life when it comes to my feelings.

 
I will keep going. It’s what God wants. Joe would want this too. And I want to keep going for myself. I am more determined than ever to run and recover.

  

Run?

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I just have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to sign up for the LA Marathon again. Best race ever in my book…even tho it’s my slowest 26.2 ever. I’ve thought about it almost every day since 2/14/16! Plus, losing my brother makes me want to do something life-affirming.

Joe

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He’s gone. Just like that. Alcohol…probably drugs…what does it matter? The same insidious fucked up fucking piece of shit disease that has so many of us in it’s grips…squeezed the life out of Joe this morning. Oh, and now the pain. It hurts more than anything. I loved him so much. We were so close. Watching him slip deeper and deeper into the abyss was difficult and pissed me off. The last phone conversation we had ended abruptly. He was so altered that I didn’t answer when he called back. I tried. I put stuff on his wall on Facebook. Pictures from when we were little etc. he wouldn’t call me back. Finally today, Easter Sunday, I tried to call him after mass.”where you at, you big ole honkey? I love you. Happy Easter. Call me.” He had just died when I left this message. I will never hear his voice again except on the voicemails I will never get rid of. Now the pain is thick and it’s making its way through the back of my throat and into my jaw and it tingles and makes me want to vomit. I can’t believe he’s gone. My beautiful brother who struggled with so much pain he couldn’t bear it.

:(

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I met with my sponsor this morning planning to start going through the steps again. I packed my big book, and notebook… I stopped and got us a couple of big coffees at Starbucks. When I got to her house, we exchanged hugs as usual. As we began to talk, she told me she relapsed. In working through my own recovery program, I realize there is nothing I can say or do that would make her stop. It has to run its course. She is devastated and full of fear. We talked a lot, openly and honestly. After I left, I started thinking about what I was feeling about all this. My first thought was to put it all aside and go work out and continue with my day. But I’m not. I decided to sit with my feelings because they are painful. I prayed for her, for her safety, that she will quickly returned to her recovery program. I cried. I wondered if my feelings were out of place. And it just came to me… She is the first person I have trusted completely in years. And working through the steps with me, she knows everything about me and loves me anyway. So I understand now why I feel this way. My relationship with her has been very important. I have trusted her. This is not an easy thing for me to do. So, I am getting to a meeting at noon – my home group – and I think today I might actually share. My own recovery has been life-changing and is extremely important to me. I will get another sponsor. I already know who I intend to ask. And it feels almost adult like to experience this with my sponsor, and not get sucked into the darkness. I am able to see the situation for what it is, feel what I need to feel, and still take care of myself. That feels really good.

A day in the life

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Everything was fine considering separation and all. Husband went out of town on one of the nights he was supposed to have my daughters so the girls were with me that night. The next day they were to be with me for the next two nights. Husband wanted to have the girls stay with him since he “lost” a night with them. Anyway the bottom Line is my sophomore wanted to keep our agreed-upon schedule and be with me. That was almost 24 hours ago. As I compose this blog post, they are sitting at a restaurant while he tries to undo the damage he caused last night. Among the grab bag of threats that were strewn about last night, we have the old if you leave here tonight don’t you ever come back here again threat; I am your parent you will do whatever I say. I was quite proud of her when she picked herself up and said she was going to wait in the car. I was not far behind her. The texts full of vitriol lasted all evening. I went to pick up my ninth grader at his house this morning because she didn’t want to stay there last night and the ugliness quickly picked up right where left off. My daughter was late for school; I was late for work; and we were both shaking and upset. When I left work, my phone was blowing up with text messages which demanded an apology from me for speaking to him in a demeaning way in front of my daughters. The rest of the threats in soon… I am canceling your credit card today; this car is actually my car; you better find a real job real fast; get an attorney. I am still shaking and anxious. The good news is I haven’t felt like this for a while which tells me I am putting distance between me and him. I also recognize that in the world of a narcissist, perpetuating fights serves to teach the victim to be quiet and not share her feelings or come to the defense of her child when she witnesses verbal abuse. In the old days, when I was living this way 24 /7, I would simply stuff my feelings and try to help the day and evening proceed as normally as possible. As if normal existed under our roof. I would also look for a way to accept responsibility because in my world I believed that in the end, he was right and I was wrong. I entered this blog post today because I didn’t know what else to do with my feelings. I thought about calling my sponsor, but I am already seeing her tomorrow morning to start working the steps again. The best news is that I relied heavily upon my higher power and all the 12-step prayers and work that I have done thus far to get me through today as safely as possible. By safely, I mean not having my self-worth depleted, not second-guessing myself. Speaking about all this is very helpful for me because I won’t keep the secret anymore.