Dear God

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What hurts You more? That we stay in loveless situations like broken machines that spew out glass shards sometimes, rose petals at others…or that someone stands up and says, “THIS is bullshit! You don’t own our lives! We were not made to be a sacrifice for you!” But we aren’t talking to You; we are talking to the one who tries to dole You out to us, so sick that he doesn’t realize we have our own separate personal relationships with You…And how do we know when to go? What amount of pain is the threshold? The sadness in my daughters? The sadness in me? Seeing the train wreck that it is, waaay down the track and not jumping off until right before? Have I said the right prayers? Have I said them enough? Have I not humbled myself enough before You? Tell me, God. Because THIS pain is not what You gave us Your Son for…this blockage that prevents Your Joy from flowing through our lives.  I give You my life; it is nothing without You. Do something. You know my heart.  Feeling like I am perched on the edge of a razor blade, I am forever Your child, Mary 

A good day.

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It has been rough.  If you follow me, you know that.  I’m not complaining; I’m just stating fact.  My personal stuff, my brother’s passing, etc.  Yesterday, I trusted God enough to say what needed to be said to hubs.  I’m not going to get into the details, but it was scary for me because I abhor confrontation.  But God has really been pulling me toward him and on Tuesday, as I was driving and trying to figure out a company name that I needed to call, “Lean not on your own understanding,” just plopped itself right down on my heart.  I knew it was a direct message to me from God.  As much as I pray, that’s not one of my regular go-to thoughts and I was not even in prayer at the time.  I got it.  I thanked Him out loud.  I knew what He meant.  So, the conversation took place.  I felt like a cinder block had been lifted off my chest.  I believe that taking God’s cue freed up something that was clogging me spiritually from receiving from Him what I need to receive and also puts me in the way of hubs and God.  And it doesn’t end there.  I realized today that a lot of upset in my household has stemmed from God not being at the helm.  Hubs is.  Or so he thinks.  Bless his heart.  He really wants to be.  I also know that where God does not reign front & center, will not be successful.  So, while I don’t feel like a failure for stating out loud my truth to hubs about my heart and the feelings therein, I do feel like I am headed where God wants.  And that’s where I want to be.

So, today I met with my brand new client!  I am rocking it as a health coach!  I’m so excited!  She asked me half way through our session, “How do you know so much about all this?”  :))))))  “It’s what I love!” was my reply. :)  Before I met with her, my 8th grade daughter’s class celebrated Mass – wow.  It was really beautiful and she looked so beautiful.  I’ll post a pic from my phone.  (I know my limits technologically :)  I began Month 2 of Max :30 and then I went for a run.  It has been a great day.

P.S.  When I ran where I normally do my big laps, there are several construction sites at the moment.  We have neighborhood security & I noticed that he drove through as I was doing my laps.  He left that area & then came back through.  I left then and about a half mile down the road, he stopped & rolled down his window to ask if everything was okay & did anyone bother me!  I thought that was really cool!  I told him that it was all good & those guys have never said anything to me.  I usually shoot them a peace sign as I run to let them know that I see them, I’m not a snob, and hey, man, can’t we all just get along? :)  Anywho, I just thought it was cool that this guy would go to the trouble.

Alright.  Time for sushi.  Peace :)

Numb.

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We had my brother’s service today.  It has been a rough few days.  I have slept like a rock and that’s good/weird.  It’s over now.  I came home from the Mercy Meal at my sister’s, put on workout clothes (comforting), and sat by the pool to watch my daughters and hopefully snooze.  It started raining, too hard even for me, and I came in and crashed on the couch.

I just feel weird.  numb.  sad.  wondering about my brother’s children who are all 20 & up.  Thinking about my brother. Hoping and believing he heard me while he was in a coma.  I think he and I were cool.  Always the unspoken, ‘i’d be there for you in a heartbeat.’  i miss him.

Keep riding, Brud.  See you on the other side.

More fingerprints

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I sat in a cold, vinyl squishy chair today in ICU, watching my niece ink and fingerprint her dad’s fingers to preserve his prints. My beautiful, oldest, bigger-than-life brother, my over 8,000 miles a year on his bike brother, my brother who quietly struggled and adored nature, got up before the sun on Monday to ride his bike. He never made it home. He got hit by a young lady driving a pick-up truck, broadsided seemingly. And tonight, for the second night, he lay in the hospital, hovering over his body I’m sure, hating that we are all making a fuss of him. My heart aches for his children.

Hold him close, God.

Funny

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I ran a 5K Saturday morning.  It was great.  I was under 27 minutes and with the soupy humidity and warm temps, I was happy with that.

I called 911 on Sunday afternoon.  I was beyond feeling safe here and just wanted to get the hell out WITH my daughters.  They are pawns to him when things go to crap.  Sunday was no different.  I calmly decided to remove myself from the escalating situation and my daughter told me she wanted to come with me.  On a thumbnail, he played the “crazy” card and placed himself between me and them.  Rather than add to an already lengthy list of future issues, I walked away and called 911.  Cops came; needed my ID, etc.  This blew my mind.  They would not stand by so that I could leave safely with my daughters.  “Ma’am, it’s a civil matter.”  I asked them if they left and I still tried to leave with my daughters and things escalated and my husband hit me, would it be a civil matter then?  No, it wouldn’t.  They would come back and it would be a criminal matter.  Hm.  Go figure.  “That sucks,”  I told the cop.  I stayed.  They stay, I stay.  I am not leaving them again the way my mom used to leave me.  So now, 2 days later, everything is still a mess – it’s funny how emotional abuse just zaps the ever-loving life out of everything in it’s wake.  My heart hurts.  I went to the bank and put $7,500 aside for “when I need it,” which will likely be sooner than later.  I was embarrassed to report to my BeachBody coach that I just wouldn’t be able to participate in the team call that evening because I was reeling from that day.

Today, I had to take my ID out again.  Today was better – I was at the Diocese for our parish and I was getting finger-printed for my Fall part-time job at church.  It felt nice being there.  I just feel the energy in places, you know?  That place has very good energy.

When I got back to the car, my phone, which I left on purpose (wow, that’s progress), had a message on it – something to the effect about his heart hurt for me and if there was anything he could do, followed by the praying hands emoticon.  That was a moment in my day when I stopped and thought, “Am I fricking crazy?”  Like, seriously?  You scream at me on Saturday night until you are hoarse, wake up and put flowers in vases all over the kitchen, cook for a daughter, cause more destruction on Sunday, and you really want to know if there is anything you can do?  Thank God for words and writing because I can safely say that talking to my therapist yesterday & today, writing the letters he asked me to write, plus writing this blog, shows me that I am not crazy.  Well, relatively speaking – I know remaining in this sufferfest must make people wonder about my sanity.  It makes me wonder at times.

I fully believe that constant contact with my Heavenly Father is key.  I am trying to figure it all out.  Without a blueprint.  My examples growing up didn’t prepare me for a normal life.  So, here I am trying to figure out what a normal life is.  So far, I know what it isn’t.  It isn’t screaming at people; it isn’t many of the things that have happened in our home.

I believe that as long as I stay here, in this false poser of a relationship, I am giving credibility to us being a couple.  That bothers me.  I am getting there, slowly but surely.