I realized something startling last night. Almost 20 years ago before I got married for the third time, I knew I wanted to marry my husband. We took a trip to Jamaica and had a honeymoon Villa and I just knew a proposal was on the way during that trip. Well there was ganja and Coke and liquor, but alas, no proposal. I remember being interiorly crushed. Didn’t he want me to be his wife? What was wrong with me?
Then, sometime later, as in months and months later… We were at the mall and said husband to be pushed a box that was ring size across the table in the food court to me. No words were said. He just gave me the box with a diamond ring in it. No proposal still. But, judging from the size of the diamond, I figured he wanted to get married so that’s what we did.
I had a revelation last night. Why was a wedding proposal from him so blasted important to me? I always wondered that and I now know the answer. I simply wanted someone to love me so much and to want me so much that he would ask me to marry him. The words were important to me. I wanted to know someone cared for me enough to ask me to be his. For almost 2 decades the lack of proposal has been a very small Bee in my bonnet. It isn’t anymore. And I see things so much more clearly now than I ever have before especially when seeing narcissism in full bloom. Why would he give me something so special that he knew I wanted? Well he wouldn’t. Because that’s what narcissists do. They withhold things from the people who love them. And finally, last night, after thinking long and hard about it and bringing this newly acquired knowledge to God, He assured me that the only one I ever truly belonged to or will ever belong to is Him. And that was more than enough.