Yep, a blog post will have to do. Today has been great. One daughter started school, the other starts tomorrow. The one who starts tomorrow wanted to have fun today. We did. We went to a traiteur (healer) for her back. Not that that was on the “fun” list, but she needed it. We swam for over an hour in an great indoor pool. We had lunch at Whole Foods & saw the Fantastic Four (not so fantastic, but it was a great excuse to escape the Louisiana heat and eat Milk Duds). Home. Which is weird. Because we are supposed to be “separated” which we are? In a way. In many ways, actually. But.those.old.shitty.habits.just.kick.in. and I want to scream. I even pulled out my “Facing Codependency” book that I carefully worked through all last summer at the beginning of my odyssey of sobriety and getting my shit together. And not taking anymore shit. Shit seems to be the word of the day, folks. Anywho. I thumbed through the book. That raised my anxiety because I saw my notes that I wrote from last year. WTF? WTFFFFF>>>>? If I could go back to last summer and kick myself, I would. You should see some of the shit I wrote about what was going on. So fricking anemic. I have grown a whole lot in just over a year. I get that. But today.
Today I feel like the elephant who gets the chain taken off it’s ankle, but doesn’t leave. I find myself doing all that old shit that I used to in anticipation of my husband’s return from his day – what can I do to make his amazing day more amazing? And I’m beating myself up because even though he is tolerating the new normal – which includes me NOT being a waitress/indentured servant placed on this earth to make sure he has everything he needs and wants and doesn’t have to wait long and can act like an asshole when he feels like it and it’s probably my fault anyway…yeah, those days are over. I do love cooking and I cook a lot. I just want to break this feeling that I must be that old person. It pisses me off that I even go there.
I have fixed this situation in the past by asking myself, “What would I do if he were not here?” And then I try to do that. But it isn’t working today and that sucks. Plus, I’m tired. My mind goes into overdrive when I should just take my foot off the gas & chill. I intended to get my Beast workout in. I don’t think that’s going to happen since I went all Michael Phelps earlier – not with weed, just with swimming.
I think I am going to give myself permission to have the rest of the evening off – see what needs to be done – do what I can – realize I am not a servant – enjoy the last evening before daughter 2 has school tomorrow. I still feel pretty wonky inside. I tried to download an app & there’s not enough storage available on my phone – it’s a good app about codependency devotionals – okay fine, so I tried to back my phone up on the computer. It didn’t take the crap off my phone that I wanted to take off & now everything I plug my phone into says “Not enough storage available.” Screw you, Steve Jobs. I mean that in the nicest way. Mostly.
sigh. I feel a little bit better now. Mostly because of that last comment to Steve. I’m sure he gets where I’m coming from.