What hurts You more? That we stay in loveless situations like broken machines that spew out glass shards sometimes, rose petals at others…or that someone stands up and says, “THIS is bullshit! You don’t own our lives! We were not made to be a sacrifice for you!” But we aren’t talking to You; we are talking to the one who tries to dole You out to us, so sick that he doesn’t realize we have our own separate personal relationships with You…And how do we know when to go? What amount of pain is the threshold? The sadness in my daughters? The sadness in me? Seeing the train wreck that it is, waaay down the track and not jumping off until right before? Have I said the right prayers? Have I said them enough? Have I not humbled myself enough before You? Tell me, God. Because THIS pain is not what You gave us Your Son for…this blockage that prevents Your Joy from flowing through our lives. I give You my life; it is nothing without You. Do something. You know my heart. Feeling like I am perched on the edge of a razor blade, I am forever Your child, Mary
It has been rough. If you follow me, you know that. I’m not complaining; I’m just stating fact. My personal stuff, my brother’s passing, etc. Yesterday, I trusted God enough to say what needed to be said to hubs. I’m not going to get into the details, but it was scary for me because I abhor confrontation. But God has really been pulling me toward him and on Tuesday, as I was driving and trying to figure out a company name that I needed to call, “Lean not on your own understanding,” just plopped itself right down on my heart. I knew it was a direct message to me from God. As much as I pray, that’s not one of my regular go-to thoughts and I was not even in prayer at the time. I got it. I thanked Him out loud. I knew what He meant. So, the conversation took place. I felt like a cinder block had been lifted off my chest. I believe that taking God’s cue freed up something that was clogging me spiritually from receiving from Him what I need to receive and also puts me in the way of hubs and God. And it doesn’t end there. I realized today that a lot of upset in my household has stemmed from God not being at the helm. Hubs is. Or so he thinks. Bless his heart. He really wants to be. I also know that where God does not reign front & center, will not be successful. So, while I don’t feel like a failure for stating out loud my truth to hubs about my heart and the feelings therein, I do feel like I am headed where God wants. And that’s where I want to be.
So, today I met with my brand new client! I am rocking it as a health coach! I’m so excited! She asked me half way through our session, “How do you know so much about all this?” :)))))) “It’s what I love!” was my reply. 🙂 Before I met with her, my 8th grade daughter’s class celebrated Mass – wow. It was really beautiful and she looked so beautiful. I’ll post a pic from my phone. (I know my limits technologically 🙂 I began Month 2 of Max :30 and then I went for a run. It has been a great day.
P.S. When I ran where I normally do my big laps, there are several construction sites at the moment. We have neighborhood security & I noticed that he drove through as I was doing my laps. He left that area & then came back through. I left then and about a half mile down the road, he stopped & rolled down his window to ask if everything was okay & did anyone bother me! I thought that was really cool! I told him that it was all good & those guys have never said anything to me. I usually shoot them a peace sign as I run to let them know that I see them, I’m not a snob, and hey, man, can’t we all just get along? 🙂 Anywho, I just thought it was cool that this guy would go to the trouble.
Alright. Time for sushi. Peace 🙂
We had my brother’s service today. It has been a rough few days. I have slept like a rock and that’s good/weird. It’s over now. I came home from the Mercy Meal at my sister’s, put on workout clothes (comforting), and sat by the pool to watch my daughters and hopefully snooze. It started raining, too hard even for me, and I came in and crashed on the couch.
I just feel weird. numb. sad. wondering about my brother’s children who are all 20 & up. Thinking about my brother. Hoping and believing he heard me while he was in a coma. I think he and I were cool. Always the unspoken, ‘i’d be there for you in a heartbeat.’ i miss him.
Keep riding, Brud. See you on the other side.