Monthly Archives: April 2016

Randomness

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You pulled me outside tonight…

Creepy, foggy darkness 

Illuminated cotton-ball moon.

Running didn’t feel right.

Music & walking with You did.

“Lost” on my search bar 

Turned up amazing songs that mean so much to me. 180 Degrees South = Utah a couple of summers ago. Clear air, clear skies, clear people, clear objectives, clear eyes, clear thoughts (somewhat) and especially clear hearts. My son’s face reflected love and life again. I was honored to witness his re-birth. I just get these fleeting moments of…anxiety/remorse/sorrow over my brother. I know I won’t, but I never want to forget any of our memories, even the bad ones. He fought so hard at times to be the person he so desired to be. I loved when he was in a good place. We could talk for the longest time. He always made me laugh and had the perfect impression of our mom when she was drunk. Joe was a riot. He would take me out on a school night and I would get so loaded that I had to miss school the next day. Loaded as in the next morning I would put my foot on the floor to make the room stop spinning…not my finest moments, but part of my story. We were lost souls, lost siblings…he taught me how to drive a 5-speed one evening and then when we got home, he showed me how to shoot whiskey. Turns out I was good at both.:-/

Anywho…sigh…I guess I’ll be using my blog for a variety of brain dumps. I’m not sure what the half poetry thing is about. I think my brain is tired. I miss Joe. Getting through this without having seen him to tell him goodbye AND not having my sisters present has made this exceptionally difficult. I take refuge in the fact that next weekend me and both my sisters will be together and that will help I’m sure.

Tomorrow is Friday. And Festival International weekend! 

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Sometimes 

This incredibly intense pain

Jumps up and bites me

Right on the throat.

Intense burning pain…

I miss you, Joe.

You loved my poetry;

I loved your plans;

Your fervor for God. 

And now you are with Him

And that’s cool. 

But not really – 

I just really miss you. 

I run and think I’m okay.

Then I turn off the lights to sleep and something just hits me – I’m reminded that I will never see you again until after I die. And I remember how heroin and whatever else wormed itself into your life and took you away from us. 

I just really miss you. 💔

Dear running, I love you.

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The news of my brother’s death came to me on Sunday afternoon. Easter Sunday. My wedding anniversary. That last thing doesn’t hold much weight this year. Anywho.

Beach on Monday. Today is Friday. I am glued to the couch. My body feels completely weighted down. I didn’t go to sleep until almost 4 o’clock this morning. I ate half a box of Froot Loops. I feel like someone has reached in to me and pulled out my heart and my guts. Alcohol is not an option. So yeah… Just pretty much sitting with feelings of extreme uncomfortabibility. My head hurts. it just sucks. Knowing that there will never be another football season ever again that I can give my brother a hard time about Nick Saban just makes me die inside. Never will see another voicemail from him fucked up or elated with life –  makes me sick.

So, my outlet is to run. Until my heart and eyes burn and my legs weaken and I have to stop to release the tears…privately, but not, on some desolate road where i can be alone with my feelings. Joe told me once that tears were the Holy Spirit cleansing me from the inside out. I’ll take that. 

My dad with my brother who died in May from a cycling accident, my brother Joe, and my two sisters – I was not on the scene yet 🙂

 
My sweet beautiful brother having a good day💟

   
This it is important to me because I have been quiet my whole life when it comes to my feelings.

 
I will keep going. It’s what God wants. Joe would want this too. And I want to keep going for myself. I am more determined than ever to run and recover.