Monthly Archives: March 2011

not what i expected

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“Don’t the kids have school today?”  asked hubs, against the glorious background of dawn breaking and rain still falling & thunder still rumblin’…”Hmmm?  Yeah, they have school?!”  “Don’t freak out, but look at the time.”  6:44 a.m.  Oh, yeah, my Iphone died during the night and i slept an extra HOUR!  I didn’t freak.  it was what it was…got girls up, lunches made, batteries changed, fm systems hooked up, even took a phone call from son on land line, “Hello?”  “Mom, where is your phone?”  “Oh, it died during the night.”  “Really?  Do you know what time it is?”  Made me laugh…so out of character for me.  The last time we slept through an alarm was when we were going to Belize in December!  Yikes.  That was worse.

Anywho, I just prayed & knew God had my back, as always.  With not a scintilla of freaking out, we stopped for donuts & milk to go, drove to school, 25 miles away, and were only 5 minutes late.  There was still a teacher’s aide outside to help the kids out of the car due to the terrible, yet marvelous, storm that had roared through. 

Kids safe.  I’m going home.  get my stuff done and then get to family obligations…my stuff being a workout.  ring-ring – can you come to my office?  sure, hubs.  anything for you.  you keep this big ship of ours sailing, so i would never complain.  he never does.  bless his heart.  i love that man.  needless to say, i left his office in time to meet senior high school son, which was delightful, over subway sandwiches, and then it was time to go to adoration.  i had a :30 minute window…what’s a girl to do?  Oh, i did squeeze in a 1.25 mile walk somewhere in there.  oh, so i ran into ann taylor, found a perfect dress on sale!!!! 29.00.  oh, yeah.  size 4.  too big.  can this day get any more perfect???  size 2.  adoration chapel.  words can’t express.  best buy.  return.  mall.  bought new makeup!!!! hadn’t done that in years.  i’ve relegated myself to target makeup…not terrible.  but not Chanel, either, folks.  there’s something about paying $105.00 for powder and foundation that i just really LOVE.  that’s the good stuff, y’all.

home.  ran.  bright pink shoes.  rode bike.  fixed dinner.  talked to ex.  made plans for son. 

it’s just one of those days that turned out great.  i’m so thankful.  i’m looking forward to mass in the morning at STM.

Oh, and another thing – while i was in adoration, my beautiful son came in to see me, briefly.  dropped off his graduation supplies that had arrived.  a little later, while i was kneeling in prayer, he came back!  he was actually supposed to be in p.e. and they were playing basketball.  some of the boys were on a field trip to UL.  he chose to come hang out with me in the adoration chapel!  there’s something about him cutting class to come spend time there that just warms my heart and soul.  i love that boy.  i surely do.

there i was, thanking God for all the goodness he has showered us with, and all the while my son was right there by my side, my arm resting on his shoulder, trying to transfer all the good stuff i was getting into his spirit.  it must have worked because he is a beautiful spirit.  thank You, God.  Today was definitely not what I expected!

all i can do is watch…

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when i think about my son graduating, i just feel kicked in the stomach.  he’s awesome.  warning:  i’ll probably write totally from a mother’s heart, so if you can’t take it, x-out now!  i just look at this child who helped make me the person i am today and i can’t believe he’s ready to spread his wings!  but he is.  i know he’s ready.  he’s beautiful and sweet.  he doesn’t ask for much of anything.  he is always plugged into what the smallest part of society is lacking.  he will give his last dollar to a homeless person.  he is amazing.  he doesn’t like a bit of fanfare.  no party, mom.  i just want to graduate and go on my trip.  senior trip, that is.  as soon as i feel the way i do no, like i am losing him, (i know i’m not), i remind myself of what life must be looking like from his perspective – bright, open to all possibilities…that makes me feel better.  i don’t ask much of him; i don’t have to.  the one thing i have asked of him, however, is to please continue to go to Mass every Sunday.  i told him that even if he doesn’t feel like it, seems to be too busy, whatever the case may be, please promise me you won’t stop going to Mass.  don’t let this minute crack of missing a Sunday here & there be on your own front porch.  just go.  just do it.  you will feel so much better afterwards.  he will be living an hour away from here.  i realized he can come home for Sunday dinner if he wants to.  he’s so independent.  i guess for me, i just can’t believe this chapter of his life is coming to an end.  i know the next chapter will be awesome, i just wish i had as big a part : )  Knowing he’s a short-timer in my home, i just keep drinking him in with my eyes, giving him extra hugs, and trying to hang on.  He is the first person in my life who i would lay down my life for.  i never felt that way before i became a mother.  i think motherhood brings us so much closer to Mary & Jesus & Joseph – knowing how much i love my son, seeing him go on to live his own life and make his own way, i cannot fathom how much God loves us that he would give Jesus to us, undeserving sinners.  so, when my heart feels so heavy i don’t think i can stand it, i think about God’s gift to us and ask Him for His help during this transition. 

Lord knows I can’t stop time.  It’s happening.  Senior crawfish boil.  Party bus.  Graduation supplies.  Prom.  Trips.  Vehicle.  Insurance.  Apartment.  Tuition.  Books.  Housewares.  Bed.  TV.  Living room furniture.  All the things that go with growing up.  All I can do is watch.  And make things as pleasant and good for him as I am able.  I’ve watched this sweet boy go back and forth from my home to his dad’s and grandmother’s.  Part of me is excited that he can now have his one address.  He doesn’t have to lug a Target bag of clothes around because he won’t be back at my house tonight.  That part makes me happy.  I love knowing he can have his own stability and continuity.  I love him so much that that part is a huge comfort. 

I truly could not ask for a better son.  Thank You, God, for entrusting me with this beautiful soul.

perspective

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hubs asked me this morning to go with him to gym in neighborhood.  no, too much to do, are you kidding?  wait a tic…hellooo??? isn’t this the same man i have been waiting to get back on the fitness train and i’m saying NO?  waddupwiddat??? teehee.  are you kidding?  of course i’ll go!!!  i went.  he went.  we went.  it was great.  i got on the stationary bike which was my only warning to the man.  “Can I just get on the bike?  I don’t want to lift weights.”  so, i got a nice ride in …about 8 + calorie burning miles.  i needed that.

i have a mountain of laundry to do.  it’ll get done.  i love being a stay at home mom, altho sometimes the staying at home part is hilarious.  hubs commented that i “ride around all day”.  bless his heart.  i love that man.

felt the whole aid station thing yesterday.  just loved Mass.  this is the part of Lent that becomes difficult.  it’s the same in a long race.  starts out fresh & rosy.  but halfway in, burning quads equates to burning heart – am i doing enough?  am i good enough?  can i finish?  God knows.  and, like in endurance races, you just have to hang on tight, trust in God, and know you will cross the finish line.  HOW you cross the finish line is up to you.  some people cross sputtering, some people have their arms pumped victoriously…I ran the new orleans mardi gras marathon a couple of years ago & had stomach issues.  oh, yeah.  don’t eat spicy garlic bar b que shrimp, and drink the juice at the bottom of the dish, and then think you can run 26.2 without something bad happening.  so, yeah, i was finishing, come hell or high water.  the last mile is invigorating in a marathon.  you know you’ve got this.  you are going to cross the line, get a medal and enjoy the victory forever.  so, i’m maybe 200 yards from the finish line, and almost plow over some guy, bent over at the waist, crying, and barely moving.  crowds are thick and cheering and i’m thinking, dude, seriously, you didn’t come this far to piss out now, did you???  you’re a MAN, for crying out loud!  Stand erect and get your ass over the finish line!  I was pumped up and finished very strong.  I didn’t stop for the guy.  I thought about it for a nano-second.  i just can’t believe that he made it pretty much the 26 miles and then just died on the course.  i truly think it was something between his ears that made him stop, not his legs.

so, yeah, the same is true about Lent.  Do you want to finish strong, or fizzle out in the finisher’s chute?  come on, y’all, if you aren’t doing great, get your second wind now!   Hang on and ask God to surprise you!  He will!  He will out-think you every time.  He will out-give you every time.  He will out-whatever you every time because that is how He is.  Trust that, will you?

too much of a good thing…

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what a weekend!  it was great, really.  beautiful weather.  two soccer games yesterday.  i even managed to sandwich in a 5K on my treadmill between games!  wow!  the idea came to me while i was on my way home from the first game – girls had sleepover on Friday night, one kiddo went home before first game, then second kiddo was going home before second game.  we would be home for…oooooh, about 45-50 minutes.  girls were happy to play and i jumped on tm…i broke 25:00!!!!!!!!!!!! that was a long time coming…before i sprained my ankle, i aspired to do this.  i get on the treadmill about 1 time a week, and i really enjoy the workout.  people say that treadmills are not calibrated correctly, yadda, yadda, yadda, but i say who cares?  if you run on the same ‘mill consistently, whether it’s at home or a health club, you have your baseline to judge…i knew i was not getting below 25 minutes no matter how hard i tried.  and tried i did. so, i warmed up at 7 mph; that’s fast for me.  then i began toggling between 7 & 8 mph, just about every 100 meters.  some intervals felt so great, i did 200 meters.  oh, and i’m also trying to keep my endurance very strong on the end of the 5K.  5ks are hard, y’all!  3.1 miles can be a stroll in the park, or they can kick you right in the a$$.  i’ll take the latter.  a marathon is a feat of endurance.  you have time to run slowly when you feel you want to…depending on your goal.  i’ll talk about that at a different time.  so, yeah, 5ks are friggin’ hard, sure to make cooked spaghetti out of your legs.  i like it.  i can’t deny it.

so, when i finished in 24:51, i felt victorious!  i’m a mom & wife, for cryin’ out loud.  this may not seem very significant to many, but to me, this is really big and I am happy to have met my goal.  it inspires me to do more.  “if I can do that, then maybe i can…” you get the idea.

went to Mass with daughters this morning.  hubs wanted to go with his son this evening.  i loved our mass.  Father Mouton hit it right out of the ballpark again with his homily.  nutshell:  empty spaces in our hearts will never be filled with things of this world, only with Jesus.  this recap certainly does not do him justice, but it was an amazing homily.

i cooked lots of stuff today i don’t normally cook or serve…golf tourney food…slow cooked brisket sandwiches, crab dip, onion dip, petit fours, cookies…way too many good things.  i feel full.  in a bad way.  eeww.  like, i will literally be running my a$$ off tomorrow, just to shuck the calories i took in today! 

i enjoyed myself.  i cut myself some slack.  it is our anniversary today, too.  i told hubs i totally get why God made Sunday a day of rest.  today my body just wanted and needed downtime.  so that’s what i did.  i ate too much.  tomorrow i won’t.  i didn’t beat myself up over it.  i figured if i was gonna eat things that were delicious, i was gonna enjoy every bite.  so i did!

now the weekend is winding down and the sun is changing my light to that soft bluish-amber that i love so much.  birds are going home for the night.  the tournament is closing up for another year.  fresh sheets on the bed.  girls uniforms are out.  my face is even exfoliated!  wow.  oooh, gotta take out the trash. 

okay, so you know what today is, right?  the third Sunday of Lent.  come on, y’all.  do something.  anything!  if you did something small, congratulations.  now do something else.  go on, now.  anything at all that you think would please God.  so you know, we have two more Sundays of Lent and then Holy Week starts.  I LOVE HOLY WEEK.   I do.  I truly do.  For Roman Catholics, we immerse ourselves in the beautiful traditions of our faith.  my sweet daughter asked me at Mass this morning, when we were looking at the readings and the weeks leading up till Easter, “When do we get to kiss Jesus’ feet?”  I truly adore that she loves that part of Holy Week as much as me. 

peace, y’all.

Friday

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Friday.  I love Fridays.  I love seeing my children exit the bus with their happy little faces and light backpacks & empty lunchboxes flailing behind them.  Today both my girls have a friend coming home with them.  That’ll be fun.  Very sweet friends.  Thank you, Lord.

The golf tournament has begun out here.  Louisiana Open.  Very cool happenings.  Lots of business and excitement.

Hubs & I are taking our kiddos out to dinner tomorrow night to celebrate our anniversary.  We are trying to iron out mass plans.  I want to go before dinner tomorrow evening; he wants to go Sunday. 

I rode my bike this a.m. before all the traffic poured in.  I ran, too.  I had to stop so many times – my right calf & shin were burning.  I couldn’t get it right.  I would stretch it out front & back & even paid attention to my hip flexors & ankles, but nothing seemed to “stick”.  I’d get going again and sure enough I’d have to stop.  I attribute the pain to my lovely Vibram 5 fingers.  I guess I don’t know how to get used to them.  My legs were very tender yesterday, the day after I ran a few miles in them.  It just feels so good while I’m running; I guess I need to remember how bad I feel a couple of days later.  Maybe I need to reduce my “getting used to them” miles.  A week from Saturday is an evening race in River Ranch and I was hoping to race for the first time in them.  It’s a 5K and very even surface.  I’m thinking about it.

No adoration chapel for me this week.  No STM Mass either. I miss them both. 

Gotta get my stuff figured out if I’m gonna have 4 little girls home soon!

Peace.  How’s Lent going?  Well, I hope.  It’s never too late.  Make a plan if you haven’t already.  Pick one small thing that will be pleasing to God and do it – either stop something or start something or both.  But do glorify Him.

don’t pick & choose.

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“The Bible doesn’t say…” feel free to fill in the blanks, my fellow Roman Catholics.  I read the Bible.  I LOVE the Bible.  As a Roman Catholic child growing up in the 70’s, I didn’t realize our Sunday Missal was taken from the Bible.  I was pleasantly surprised to realize this. 

Unfortunately, just as I reached an age when I needed a parent’s hand on my shoulder to guide me in the way I should go, all hell broke loose in my world.  My dad got sick with cancer when I was 6.  He died when I was 8.  My mom, not having much support of her own, slowly removed herself from lots of things…including me, due to lots of reasons, including finanacial.  She had to go to work after being a stay at home mom.  She became depressed.  She drank.  She took valium.  She was impossible to wake up if I needed something.

This all kicked in high gear right about the time I was at the crucial age of 12.  Anywho, I had a huge gap that I didn’t work on my relationship with God.  I made terrible choices and was led by terrible people to do terrible things.  With no consequences by my mom.  God was watching, though.  He is always watching.  Didn’t know.  Found out.  Thank GOD.

Anyway, so now, fast forward and I have made up lost ground and then some in my relationship with God.  He has guided me in the way that I should go.  He has guided me in the type of parent I should aspire to be.  He has guided me in the type of wife I should be.  He gave us the Holy Family as an example for us.  That’s not the only reason, of course, but the Holy Family is a wonderful example for us…especially those of us who don’t have good examples under our own rooves, where we should feel most at ease.  Most comfortable.  Safest.  Secure.  You get the picture.

So, Lent.  Here we are.  Geez, I could use a beer.  Very cold.  Thank you very much.  I won’t.  I’m doing all that I should.  I’m leaning on Him when the going gets tough.  And it does get tough.

I’m not completely sure what the Bible says about the sacrifices we make during Lent.  I’ve been bombarded with those who mock the not eating of meat on Fridays during Lent.  “That’s not even in the Bible!”  So????  What’s your point?  Is it not an agreement we have with our chosen church, that being Roman Catholic?  Do you think the Pope eats meat on Fridays during Lent?  It’s a sacrifice to unify ourselves with the suffering of Jesus.  It’s what we do.  It’s what our church tells us we must do.  It’s part of our relationship with our church.  Just do it.  Do you only accept the good parts of the relationships you have with your day-to-day mates???  Doubtful.  I really do want that beer.  But I’m not going to have it.  It might seem silly to someone who doesn’t walk this path with me.  I don’t care.  God knows what is in my heart and He knows why I do the things I do. 

I will continue to honor Him in any way that I can.  I will continue to ask His forgiveness when I have sinned or just not done what I know I should have.

I have more to say on the issue.  However, I’m really looking forward to seeing my sister today.  So, I had to purge at least part of my brain on this issue. It’s too important. 

If you are Roman Catholic, please live our faith.  It’s beautiful and fulfilling.  There are no words to do justice what is here when you take advantage of the graces our Lord has put out before us. 

Someone asked me what I liked about being Catholic.  I’m Roman Catholic.  I LOVE the tradition.  I love the unity.  I love the prayer.  I love the meditation on the Passion of our Lord.  I love that every part of my day is filtered through Jesus.  When I go to Mass and prepare to receive Communion, I have butterflies in my stomach.  I have butterflies now just thinking about it.  We are so blessed to receive our Living Lord Jesus.  He is THERE in Mass with us.  I don’t think a lot of people get that.  Think about it.  Pray on it.  If you ask God for something good, you’ll get it.  Then some.  He is not to be outdone.

inhale. exhale.

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I didn’t post yesterday.  One of those days, one of those days.  Hubs takes 10-12 seconds to say a bunch of words, and then the rest of my Sunday night and most of Monday drastically changed.  Facts.  Just facts.  Not complaining.  I live in air conditioning, have lots of food & clothes & a family.  No complaints here.  Just like, wow, dude, really?  Spent 2 hours Sunday night trying to force my computer to do something it simply refused to do.  All the while, in the back of my mind, I was thinking, get this —- done, gotta run in the morning.  I usually don’t run on Sundays and by the time Monday rolls around, my legs are itchin’ to get out there.  Monday morning rolls around, and I get myself back in front of the computer.  Finally, 10:30, I win.  Bought a download to do what I needed.  Then had to get my father-in-law something and deliver it to his house, which is about 25-30 minutes away.  No biggie.  Delivered the wrong thing.  Didn’t need that.   Needed that.  Oopsie.  Went to health food store & got that.  Brought it back to him.  Went to Best Buy.  SEEMINGLY got what I needed.  Then this morning I find out I need another cable.  Seriously.  I planned to spend the whole day in fitness wonderland cuz hubs was gonna be out of town.  But no.  I need another cable.  Maybe I’ll buy it and strangle my computer.  Oh, and senior comes downstairs with his glasses in 2 separate pieces.  “Yeah, I know.  I need you to get these fixed for me.”  Goodbye fitness wonderland.  Hello my life.  Well, it’s not like I’m not fit.  Or healthy.  I was just trying to take advantage of what I perceived as a minor break.  Not so.  I still pounded out over 7 miles and that’s not a bad run.  I’ll take it.  I just wish I could relish in the quiet.  But I can’t.  Glasses need to be fixed, cable needs to be purchased, poster board needs to be bought for science poster that’s due tomorrow.  It’ll be me and the girls this afternoon and that’s always nice.  I love easy, quiet evenings.  I don’t watch tv.  I tried.  This morning.  “Isn’t that what stay-at-home-moms do?” I asked myself.  But as soon as I heard that idiot’s name from TV – Snoopi or whoever that new jersey female is, i clicked off the tv, reminded of why i don’t watch.  i refuse to give any of that garbage the tiniest bit of brain power.  i love the quiet.  birds, wind, my footsteps, the keyboard, the hum of the fridge.  windchimes.  those are the sounds of my day as a stay-at-home-mom.  then, the noises change, but are just as tasty and fulfilling…”mmmmooooommmm!!!!”  “I didn’t have enough food to eat at lunch.  I had to put my head down.”  “The peanut butter was bumpy.”  “My goldfish were broken.  I think you gave me old goldfish.  Please give me new ones from now on.”  “The grapes were toooooo sour.”  “The grapes were perfect.”  “Can I swim?”  “Can I rollerblade?”  “Can I watch  a movie?”  “Can I put some music on my IPod?”  “I don’t even stink.  I’m not taking a shower.” 

I LOVE all THOSE sounds.  I LIVE in those sounds.  I adore them. 

On tap for tonight…getting homework & studying out of the way early.  Getting to do something fun outside === bikes or blades…then, the Biggest Loser.  We LOVE that show. 

Oh, by the way, when I got home yesterday after making “deliveries,”  I managed to jump on the treadmill for a nice 5K.  I am still trying so hard to break 25:00 on the treadmill.  I keep trying different strategies, but so far, nothing.  25:09.  That’s the closest I’ve come.  I try warming up faster and then maintaining what I feel is pretty fast, but I can’t get there.  I alternate 500 meters with fast & faster.  I step my way up.  Nothing has worked so far.  I just had an idea.  Maybe I could warm-up outside of the 5K…get a lap or two in to get my legs going and THEN start the 5K program.  I’d start the whole thing faster.  Might work.  I won’t find out today, though.  Gotta run!