Monthly Archives: May 2014

the filter

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Saturday afternoon about 2:30. nap. sleepover is in the books (for the 8th–wait, now 9th grader!!!) wow. just.woww. anywho. hubs went to UL game last night. my replacement book came in – I misplaced my first copy & the audio book is hard for me to follow/ADD – The Anatomy of Peace, Resolving the Heart of Conflict. OH.MY.GOODNESS. I got good & deep into the last 1/4-1/2 of the book yesterday evening. No interruptions. My daughter and her friends are amazingly good friends who do good things. They swam all day & hot tubbed & threw glow sticks around the darkened pool. I took a break to cook them dinner & they were back at being girls 🙂

I can’t do the book justice to try to explain it here. But I can tell you who the book is good for: anybody. Anybody who has any conflict in their lives in any capacity. Um, that’s humanity, I think! So, the book is structured in a way to walk the reader through experiences of parents who have brought their respective children to this place for outdoor/adventure therapy. The book, rather than looking at the children and their struggles, looks at the parents, and how we resolve conflicts. What is explained in the book follows a diagram that fully comes together toward the end of the book.

I couldn’t get through it all last night. It’s just too much to process. So, this morning, I wanted to finish it. About 3 or 4 pages before the end of the book, I could not help but cry. I cried at different times of realization earlier in the book, and was very affected by others, but this – this was big, fat, tears that I could just not turn off. Hubs was watching the news. His response was, “Maybe I should read that book.” Ya think? At once, I just saw my son, who prompted this change in me, in front of my eyes – but I saw right through his very layers of life – all the way through to his very basic core, before words or actions could mar him. I saw this perfect human that God made, full of hopes, wants, dreams, desires, fears. And I just wanted him to know at that moment how much I love him and how much I see him this way. My being a mother has been the most important role to me in this life of mine. I just wanted him to know that I was sorry for anything I have done to hurt him, any time I didn’t recognize what he needed and any time I didn’t take the time to know him. We all look back with perfect vision. I get that. He gets that, too.

So, for today…

I won’t beat myself up. I won’t judge myself. I won’t see myself through the filters that I so often find myself seeing myself through. I’ve been trying to decide if I’m actually going to run the 5k this evening. At this time, I think I will. 5Ks are the hardest race. 3-2-1, balls to the wall for 3.1 miles. No water breaks. I’m trying to decide if I’m up for that. Maybe. I’m curious how I’m running lately. Weights & fairly light running. I ate 2 donuts this afternoon. Maybe I’ll run to shuck the 360 calories contained in those two donuts. 🙂

Regardless, summer has officially started. I’m going to slow down and enjoy my blessings.

Peace, y’all.

Caving –

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A term my fellow Capricorn hair dresser coined – I’m not a hair dresser – just wanna clear that up. But he gets me – that need to every once in awhile just be alone…today was crazy. The culmination of crappy craziness – the washing machine broke on Saturday. Dear sweet handy guy kept thinking he could fix it. Hubs ended up orchestrating removal of stinky laundry to back of his very big vehicle. After a quick lunch with my sister to celebrate her bday, we spent the rest of the day at Michaels Laundromat in sweet Younsville, LA. 3 extra capacity washers + 5 regular = $50 in quarters. It began pouring rain as we were leaving. The cherry on my day, thus far, has been getting into the vehicle and the battery was dead. After getting the Asian guy who owns a nearby store to jump me, we were finally headed home. We all anticipated the clean, woodsy smell that was sure to be waiting for us, since I had just plunked down $100 for a new housekeeper. We got home. Well, she heard me instruct her to clean all 5 bathrooms. And wipe down the stairs. And, that’s all folks! R.u.kidding.me.

I’m going to al Anon meetings. They are great. I will do whAt we do there & only talk about me. I quit drinking. Just over 3 weeks ago. While I didn’t have a physical dependence, I do believe I had some psychological dependence. I mean, who doesn’t love beer & nachos or beer & tacos? Or beer by the pool? Or wine with a gourmet burger? Yes, please.

So I have quit. I’m glad. If I can get thru today without a drink, I will feel successful. Seriously. The little, pissy things just got to me today.

I’m doing EVERYTHING I have been instructed to do. Read “the anatomy of peace”. Okay. I ordered the audio book because it’s hard for me to concentrate on such a heavy topic with ADD. I ordered the book too. I lost the book, 3/4 of the way thru. I reordered a second copy because I need it.

Life, since my son’s struggles, have felt like a marathon – difficult at times, downright nuts at others, and pretty focused at others. So, I’m here. I’m changing. I want the life I deserve, the life God wants me to have.

I surrender to Him – repeatedly – when I encounter roadblocks in my life – at those moments of surrender, I tell Him, “I didn’t know I was causing this.” Or I didn’t know I was hanging onto things – emotionally – He hears me, as always, picks me up, sets me right, and lets me know I’m headed in the right direction.

Sigh.

I am a work in progress.

Peace, y’all.

trying

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just ran. still on such an emotional rollercoaster. internally, of course; i don’t need to over-share with my family…i’ll do that with y’all 🙂 i haven’t lost my sense of humor. i quit crying so much. not because the tears weren’t there, but because i truly hurt physically from crying so much. didn’t know that was a possibility…just a raw ache in my stomach. wanting to fix something that wasn’t mine to fix. that’s a tough lesson. i’m learning. i immediately looked God right in the Eye & said, “You gotta help me.” i knew He was right there…all those years ago He was right there & i DIDN’T ask Him for His help, but He was waiting for me to ask & when i did, He just reached right out & picked me up & pointed me in the right direction. so, He’s there alright. whether we know it or not.

so much joy going on this time of year. school year is winding down. we are getting ready for a quick field trip to Vermilionville. my 8th grader is graduating and beginning high school.

my step-son is home for the summer. my step-daughter just visited with us yesterday from new orleans. i so missed her. she has grown into an amazing woman and i am so without-words proud of her. she’s beautiful and compassionate, funny & talented…yes, i’m biased, but those traits are for real!

i guess I better get unsweaty real quick so that i can go to a little Cajun village & start sweating all over again 🙂

peace.y’all… :)))

here

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I’m here & doing alright…working through some things & leaning completely on my Lord. He keeps me focused on the necessities…he keeps me looking ahead to brighter days. It’s hard feeling joyful & crazy at the same time. Everything has a way of working itself out & this too shall pass. Sigh…