Tag Archives: insanity

Welcome to my life. There, you’ve been warned :)

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I drank my last drink exactly 3 years ago today. Tomorrow is my sober birthday. May 6, 2014. I love that day and date. It was May 5, 2014 and I ordered Mexican food, margaritas, and beer…Modelo Especial and Stella Artois. Looking back, I rarely had beer in the house…cause I drank it. All.

Anywho, so this is where I welcome you into my life. I’ve been silent on many issues for the majority of it and, well, I’m just not going to be that way anymore. I can’t think of a better day than today to start living more authentically. I was ambivalent about being open with regard to alcoholism. I understand that some people are pretty out there about it and some people aren’t. I get it. I respect it. I had to think long and hard about what being an alcoholic means to me. I realized over the past several days that the simple reason I keep it under wraps is because…wait for it….fear!  Yes, fear!  What will they think?  They, they, they. I’m tired of being the inaccessible piece of God-made goodness that floats through the universe not really showing up to life as fully as I could. Let me be clear: I show up a LOT MORE than I ever did in these last three years. It’s so weird how normal I do some things now, especially with regard to communication. If I don’t understand something, I ask. Yes, folks, I ask questions! :)))) And I don’t feel badly about it, either. I was just at lunch with a magnificent group of women. I marvel at them; they are all so gifted in different ways…the subject of FaceBook came up and someone mentioned she couldn’t understand how anyone could put so much of their lives on social media. I thought about it. I share a lot, I think. I have lots of social media platforms and I’m always considering more. For me, I have lived my life without healthy consistency. It’s been a great life. It’s been extremely difficult at times.

Funny: I put a deposit down on an apartment a few weeks ago. I was given the choice to live above regular tenants or above a business. I could have the first apartment much sooner. Let me think about it…I did. And the conclusion I came to is that I’ve tiptoed around my whole life and I’m sick of tiptoeing. I’m not doing it anymore. At least above the 9-5 business, my workouts and rumpussing won’t bother anyone. Not funny: I’m scared to have that conversation with him. Seriously what does a person say in a situation like this? Very little, I think. Nothing will come out right.

Me: Hey, you suck. I’m leaving.

Him: No, YOU suck. YOU aren’t leaving till I SAY!

See what I mean? There’s just no organic flow happening. Holy Spirit, You gotta come through on this when the time comes.  Read the rest of this entry

‘sa duuuu…aka what’s up? dude? :)

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What a journey. What a freaking journey. You know me. I work backwards. Ass backwards as my mom used to say. Not about me, but backwards was often prefaced with that colorful adjective…ass backwards. 🙂 Say it and feel the joy if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait……there, said it? Good.

I move backwards from the moment, yes? So, I sit here this morning. Holy Thursday morning, Maundy (SP?), what have you. It’s the day my Lord and Savior had the Last Supper and then got arrested afterwards. Lent has been an extremely powerful journey for me this year but that’s for another post. pretty much.

I sit here this morning – here’s what I’ve done so far. I woke up at 5 after placing my intentions with God last night – I will wake up joyful and with purpose. There were about 25 seconds of oh-shit-why-why-why-do-i-have-to-get-up-this-freaking-early but hey, I got right to it. I prayed. I walked the dog. I fed all the animals. I gave my daughter a valium. :))))) For her wisdom teeth extraction!!!  Which is why I’m typing fast – I gotta get her up & dressed so we can go get her four – count ’em 4 – wisdom teeth extracted. Got my other daughter to school for 7 so she could take a make-up biology test…on the way to school she told me the sweet story about the kid in her class yesterday – during the video about DNA, there was a person blowing into the box to move some particles of something around and one of her classmates took the opportunity to say, “He’s hot boxing the DNA, dude!” He got detention. Poor teacher. Okay, I laughed. Then I said, poor teacher. That was a highly inappropriate comment. He should receive detention and I hope YOU didn’t laugh at that.

Anywho. I have so much to catch up on on here. I am here! So there’s that! And I’m still sober!!!!  That.is.freaking.amaze.balls. Truly. I treasure my sobriety right there under my relationship with God Himself. And I am not kidding on that.

Looks like I haven’t posted since January?

I went back to school! UL Lafayette. I am a student! I love it. I was momentarily freaked out like I would be the oldest person on campus, but I am not and even if I were, I wouldn’t care. I love learning. I miss being in school.

Life with a narcissist is not easy. I won’t even go into adjectives here because there are none sufficient to describe the absolute fucked up pain they inflict. My advice if you find yourself tangled up with one? Untangle. Get out. Figure it out. Google. Read. Educate yourself. And after you’ve educated yourself? HEAL YOURSELF. There is no hope for them. Just resign yourself to that fact. Okay, one in a million may change, but resign yourself to – “My one in a million is not the one that will be changing.” They are masters of disguise. They can stuff their toxicity for a couple of weeks or more maybe, but the poison comes out. It has to. And you better be ready when it does.

I have resigned myself that if I am going to be here, I am going to heal while I am here. My daughters are here and I am empowering them, educating them, loving them, and helping them to grow into self-sufficient women. I am working with a PhD who I absolutely get along with. Crazy fact? He has known my family since 1981. He has amazing insight. He has been very helpful and I’ll continue to work with him on healing and therapy.

Okay, gotta go wake up my beautiful girl. Any readers of mine out there, how are YOU?

Peace out.

balancing

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I’m still in Week 4 of Insanity. Not because I’m a slacker. I know that is an incomplete sentence. Sigh. I am listening to my sweet daughter snoring away in the next room, knowing she’ll be upset that I chose to let her sleep in. It’s summer, for goodness sake. We went to Red’s yesterday. I did my 7 mile slow run in the heat – which was great. She met a couple of her bff’s. She thought they would be doing laps in the lap pool. They didn’t. They had a bit of a workout upstairs & then “walked around and sat at the table.” Not what she was hoping for. Snoring girlfriend is a chip off this old block – except I am SURE I NEVER snore…heehee. She takes private soccer lessons in the afternoons and it’s quite a workout. She’s pretty driven. I love that. So, she went to bed last night expecting to get up & go do those laps with me. Which means we don’t get home till 5:30, which means it’s time to cook dinner & do laundry, which means Insanity won’t be happening again today. But she’s snoring. Because I decided to let her sleep, bring my little one to her camp, dash back home to get my Insanity on so I can at least make some progress. Snoring child won’t be happy. But maybe she’ll feel better when I tell her we can go do laps tomorrow, when our beloved housekeeper is here. I’m almost out of time for the morning. I am going with the Jeff Galloway 30 week plan. I love a long plan. It started yesterday & I, true to form, fooled with the schedule because I didn’t want to miss that first long run. This is South Louisiana, so we need to get our miles in the best way we can & as luck would have it, I had a pretty good morning, as temperatures go, yesterday…82 balmy degrees without too much humidity. I ran for over an hour. I thought about a couple of FB acquaintances who either just came off a full IronMother (IronMan:) or just beginning training…wow. Wow. So in awe. I just look at my life and I know I don’t have that dedication to that level of training right now. So, in the meantime, I do what I can & continue to embrace the water. I still don’t know what it is. It’s just hard to get in, but once I’m in, I’m good. And I especially like doing laps with my daughter. She’s a fish & she’s very much fun to hang around anyway. Sigh.

Okay, gotta finish getting this day prepped so we can live in it.

Peace.

Oh lord I don’t know where my update went y’all but lemme tell you quickly – we swam – I did notdo insanity but I swam OVER A MILE with my awesome daughter! Her idea. It really was great. I realized as I was typing that entry this morning that I was probably secretly avoiding the water….sigh. BUT I did it. Sweet. Thank You, Jesus.❤

A little time

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I’m sitting at the soccer field – daughters are getting a lesson an I am
In the car – typing on my iPhone – listening to my favorite – run like a mother podcast – messaging my sister about the grossness of pork cracklins – very uncharacteristic for me – I’m in my running clothes – but I chose not to run here today – this place is seemingly idyllic but actually sketchy. Super sketchy – ok – this is the park where the half marathon I love is held & the very same park that had to change the course at the last minute due to a dead body on the course. Yes. You read correctly. Anywho, I would not venture off the sunlightened fields for one second unless I were racing throngs of people – oh there is also a sweet cross-country race here in the evening in August – LOVE that race – I ran it last year in my 5 finger shoes & placed 2nd for my age group. I’m not doing paragraphs – I’m just happy to dump the coconut a little – I finally got up at 6:40 this morning – to the sound of my cat vomiting near me – he also left a surprise from the other end- he is not a happy dieter. Anyway, I drank coffee, did a quick load of laundry & jumped quietly into my lululemon capris so I could push play on insanity pure cardio. We are getting into some busy days for my daughters & squeezing insanity in after the family gets up is quite a challenge. I try to run as well as do insanity, but honestly, some days Are grueling with Sean t at the helm, so I cut myself some slack and relish in the fact that I’m doing something outside my comfort zone that is also an investment in my health. And I can now do butterfly push-ups very well, thankyouverymuch! I feel much stronger than I ever have. I plan to stick with this until I finish it – I will start marathon training in the fall, but will still incorporate insanity each week, at least 2 days…I just realized that I’m slated for 3 full marathons next year – the Louisiana in January, the Zydeco at the end of March, and NY in November! I love that! Louisiana will be my main one; zydeco for fun cuz it’s my hometown’s first, and NY for the experience of running through all 5 Burroughs in November!!!! I LOVE that city. We are enjoying summer and the slower pace of things – we are busy, yes, but it’s all good stuff that is met with Smiles on my daughter’s faces…life is good! Thank You, Jesus!❤