Tag Archives: God

Welcome to my life. There, you’ve been warned :)

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I drank my last drink exactly 3 years ago today. Tomorrow is my sober birthday. May 6, 2014. I love that day and date. It was May 5, 2014 and I ordered Mexican food, margaritas, and beer…Modelo Especial and Stella Artois. Looking back, I rarely had beer in the house…cause I drank it. All.

Anywho, so this is where I welcome you into my life. I’ve been silent on many issues for the majority of it and, well, I’m just not going to be that way anymore. I can’t think of a better day than today to start living more authentically. I was ambivalent about being open with regard to alcoholism. I understand that some people are pretty out there about it and some people aren’t. I get it. I respect it. I had to think long and hard about what being an alcoholic means to me. I realized over the past several days that the simple reason I keep it under wraps is because…wait for it….fear!  Yes, fear!  What will they think?  They, they, they. I’m tired of being the inaccessible piece of God-made goodness that floats through the universe not really showing up to life as fully as I could. Let me be clear: I show up a LOT MORE than I ever did in these last three years. It’s so weird how normal I do some things now, especially with regard to communication. If I don’t understand something, I ask. Yes, folks, I ask questions! :)))) And I don’t feel badly about it, either. I was just at lunch with a magnificent group of women. I marvel at them; they are all so gifted in different ways…the subject of FaceBook came up and someone mentioned she couldn’t understand how anyone could put so much of their lives on social media. I thought about it. I share a lot, I think. I have lots of social media platforms and I’m always considering more. For me, I have lived my life without healthy consistency. It’s been a great life. It’s been extremely difficult at times.

Funny: I put a deposit down on an apartment a few weeks ago. I was given the choice to live above regular tenants or above a business. I could have the first apartment much sooner. Let me think about it…I did. And the conclusion I came to is that I’ve tiptoed around my whole life and I’m sick of tiptoeing. I’m not doing it anymore. At least above the 9-5 business, my workouts and rumpussing won’t bother anyone. Not funny: I’m scared to have that conversation with him. Seriously what does a person say in a situation like this? Very little, I think. Nothing will come out right.

Me: Hey, you suck. I’m leaving.

Him: No, YOU suck. YOU aren’t leaving till I SAY!

See what I mean? There’s just no organic flow happening. Holy Spirit, You gotta come through on this when the time comes.  Read the rest of this entry

‘sa duuuu…aka what’s up? dude? :)

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What a journey. What a freaking journey. You know me. I work backwards. Ass backwards as my mom used to say. Not about me, but backwards was often prefaced with that colorful adjective…ass backwards. 🙂 Say it and feel the joy if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait……there, said it? Good.

I move backwards from the moment, yes? So, I sit here this morning. Holy Thursday morning, Maundy (SP?), what have you. It’s the day my Lord and Savior had the Last Supper and then got arrested afterwards. Lent has been an extremely powerful journey for me this year but that’s for another post. pretty much.

I sit here this morning – here’s what I’ve done so far. I woke up at 5 after placing my intentions with God last night – I will wake up joyful and with purpose. There were about 25 seconds of oh-shit-why-why-why-do-i-have-to-get-up-this-freaking-early but hey, I got right to it. I prayed. I walked the dog. I fed all the animals. I gave my daughter a valium. :))))) For her wisdom teeth extraction!!!  Which is why I’m typing fast – I gotta get her up & dressed so we can go get her four – count ’em 4 – wisdom teeth extracted. Got my other daughter to school for 7 so she could take a make-up biology test…on the way to school she told me the sweet story about the kid in her class yesterday – during the video about DNA, there was a person blowing into the box to move some particles of something around and one of her classmates took the opportunity to say, “He’s hot boxing the DNA, dude!” He got detention. Poor teacher. Okay, I laughed. Then I said, poor teacher. That was a highly inappropriate comment. He should receive detention and I hope YOU didn’t laugh at that.

Anywho. I have so much to catch up on on here. I am here! So there’s that! And I’m still sober!!!!  That.is.freaking.amaze.balls. Truly. I treasure my sobriety right there under my relationship with God Himself. And I am not kidding on that.

Looks like I haven’t posted since January?

I went back to school! UL Lafayette. I am a student! I love it. I was momentarily freaked out like I would be the oldest person on campus, but I am not and even if I were, I wouldn’t care. I love learning. I miss being in school.

Life with a narcissist is not easy. I won’t even go into adjectives here because there are none sufficient to describe the absolute fucked up pain they inflict. My advice if you find yourself tangled up with one? Untangle. Get out. Figure it out. Google. Read. Educate yourself. And after you’ve educated yourself? HEAL YOURSELF. There is no hope for them. Just resign yourself to that fact. Okay, one in a million may change, but resign yourself to – “My one in a million is not the one that will be changing.” They are masters of disguise. They can stuff their toxicity for a couple of weeks or more maybe, but the poison comes out. It has to. And you better be ready when it does.

I have resigned myself that if I am going to be here, I am going to heal while I am here. My daughters are here and I am empowering them, educating them, loving them, and helping them to grow into self-sufficient women. I am working with a PhD who I absolutely get along with. Crazy fact? He has known my family since 1981. He has amazing insight. He has been very helpful and I’ll continue to work with him on healing and therapy.

Okay, gotta go wake up my beautiful girl. Any readers of mine out there, how are YOU?

Peace out.

Purely therapeutic

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I am getting this out from my head into cyberspace because I need to.  It’s a selfish post, really.  I was kneeling in Mass today. I pray.  A lot.  I am constantly trying to stay connected to God.  Any who.  So, I’m kneeling there in Mass as the priest is preparing the Eucharist.  I heard in my heart God asking me to write a letter about how I felt the day my dad died.  huh?  “Are You sure, God?”  Then, I understood the same way I knew about the writing that He knew I was always seeking Him.  So, if I know I am hearing from Him, why do I question Him when I do?  Well.  Okay.  You got me, God.  So, here I am.

That day was terrible.  I didn’t want to go to school because in my spirit, I knew something was so wrong.  But I was pushed out of the door to go to the bus stop at the corner.  It sucked.  I didn’t want to go, but I was 8.  And I never bucked the system.  I remember before I left that I kissed my dad good-bye and he told me, “I love you, baby girl,” and those were the last words I would ever hear him say to me.  And that would be the last time my life seemed “normal” which it wasn’t, but at least he was there when he wasn’t sick and in Houston. Around 2:00, my brother came to get me at school.  I was at recess.  Someone ran out to get me.  My teacher, Mrs. Morrison, was looking at me with the most empathetic look I had ever seen.  Then I saw my brother.  And I knew.  He picked me up and carried me out without saying anything.  When we got to the front of the school, he put me down, kneeled down in front of me, held my arms lightly and said, “Mary, Daddy went to Heaven.”  I remember standing there and the words hadn’t really hit me.  They kind of bounced off me and were swirling around me unable to attach to me. I felt like I had left my own body as we walked to the car.  Someone else was with us; I can’t remember who.  I think we went to pick up my other brother at his school next.  I’m not totally sure about that.  I remember going home soon after and seeing a lot of cars in our driveway & parked along the street near our house.  I walked into our house and just wanted my mom.  She was lying down in my brother’s room and when I went to see her, she put her arms out, not to draw me to her, but to signal me away from her.  And so it began.  The unravelling of life as I knew it.  Next thing I knew, the old housekeeper had me by the hand, leading me outside onto the back patio.  No one was out there.  It was cool and muggy.  I had never even met this housekeeper in my life.  I had heard good things about her, but I had never met her.  We didn’t have much conversation.  After that, I was much like those words I heard from my brother – the ones that were unable to attach anywhere – I was just floating around, looking for someplace to belong.  We are Irish Roman Catholic and so there is a lot of celebration surrounding death.  We had an Irish wake at our house (code for everyone gets bombed).  I wore my Martha Washington dress (minus the bustle) to the funeral home with a pair of white patent leather shoes.  I am writing only from my perspective, but I can’t help but think how extremely difficult this whole situation must have been for my mother.  She had already lost her first-born daughter years before and I think life was just difficult back then for her.  Anyway.  We all stayed out of school for the rest of the week, I seem to remember.  We went to my dad’s grave soon after and I remember wanting to bring a card to him.  Hmm.  I must have missed the whole death memo.  It’s sweet in a way, I know.  So, as I continue to strive to be obedient to God, I recollect feeling abandoned times two.  From my dad and then my mom.  I was afraid.  Our home became pretty dysfunctional not long after.  I remember my mom staying home with us for awhile before she got a job.  I remember thinking she was so sad. I remember finding bottles of liquor hidden, fresh made drinks hidden above the sink in the cabinet.  I don’t know what she thought.  I recognized that these things were hidden, so I thought I shouldn’t say anything.  “Hey, anybody left a bourbon on the rocks up here?”  “No?”  I would smell it and then put it back. When I would find a bottle, it was like finding a live grenade.  I would find a fifth under her sink, close the cabinet, and just get the hell out of there.  I think what God is trying to show me is something I learned almost two years ago from my favorite counselor ever, “Pain concealed is pain unhealed.”  I wasn’t aware there was anymore pain associated with that time, but maybe there is.  It is a little painful typing all this crap and remembering the aftermath.  Not enough money.  Not enough food.  Roaches moved in.  And brought all their relatives.  No guidance.  My sister really stepped up a few years later when she had grown up a little.  The church would drop off a box of food every Christmas.  It was pretty dysfunctional.  Everyone kind of spiraled their own way.  I never really knew what was normal.  I have spent a lifetime guessing/trial & error.  Finally, FINALLY, I realized that God is there.  Has always BEEN there.  Will always BE there.  I can turn to Him ANYTIME.  I just didn’t know it back then.  My dad had introduced me to Jesus and I knew my mom knew Him, but I didn’t know how to get to know Him.  That happened through trial & error, too.

Okay, God, I hope I have done what You have asked.  I love you.

Finding my way

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So, it’s no secret that I live in an emotionally abusive relationship.  I’m just trying to figure out the best way to deal with it AND cause the least amount of damage to my daughters.  I am truly trying to see this from all sides.  I’m almost 50.  It sucks to think I might have to just pack it all in and start all over.  That’s a possibility.  And I would be okay.  I just don’t know about my girls being with their dad…same old thing – no parenting, no loving, just being present in his world.  Life with an abuser is not a two-way street.  It’s a one-way street.  Everyone travels the same way – HIS way.  No arguments are tolerated.  No mistakes are made, well, not on his part.  He “walks in the fruit of the Holy Spirit.”  Hmm.  I didn’t log in to throw stones, but I do some of my best thinking while getting this junk out of my head.  I definitely find that I need accountability and fellowship with a woman – a sponsor?  I’m just weary.  I’m weary of trying to find peace and joy and relegating myself to staying here hoping something will get better or change.  I went to Celebrate Recovery on Monday night.  I had to hold back tears within the first 3 minutes, no kidding.  It was just such a powerful, safe place to be.  I loved it.  I didn’t want it to end.  I will definitely be going back.  Suffice it to say, when he and I are together, I feel like my lamp is covered up, unable to shine.  That makes me wonder:  is there a way I can become stronger, not put up with his bullshit bullying anymore and just make a stand?  When I venture out in that direction, things deteriorate quickly and the verbal assaults break loose – no holds barred – things, situations are skewed, piled together and made false – so quickly and so crazily, it makes my head spin.  Gas lighting, I think. I enrolled in an online course to try to get some direction on how to deal with emotional abuse – either find a way to stop it or find a way to get out.

I went out on my run this morning.  It was supposed to be 14 miles.  I stopped after 2.8 and I am now glad I did.  It started POURING.  And thundering and lightning.  Idon’t playdat. The interruption has caused me to think about my running plans.  Runners have running plans for YEARS.  I’m already trying to figure out how to fit Chicago and Disneyworld into the next 24 months.  Yes.  That’s a fact.  The reason my contemplativeness has come up is because I am in Week 8 of Marathon training for a marathon on October 9…which is not scheduled.  I was going to go to LA to do the Long Beach Marathon & see my son for the weekend.  Hubs saw it on the computer and shut that down in a big way.  He told me I could drive to Tyler – nope – one day, but not this one – Tyler is constant hills and I’m not prepared for that at all.  So, sigh…now I am thinking that perhaps I’ll just do the Baton Rouge Beach Marathon – I’ve done that one about 5 times at least – the only cost is registration & gas to get there; the least expensive by far.  That won’t be till the beginning of December, which gives me a chance to consider backing off on this training which is difficult in the best of circumstances.  Living with a prick and getting those miles in while summer time is in full bloom in South Louisiana is really much more difficult.  Although I have to say, he has been a lot less confrontational about me going out for runs.  I’m thinking – Baton Rouge in December, LA in March, and either Disney or Chicago toward the end of next year. Disney would be a BLAST.  I want to do the Dopey Challenge – a 5K, 10K, half marathon & full marathon – all with ridiculously early wake-up calls and start times, but so what?  We only live once and I ADORE Disney!  And I am thinking of raising money for a charity as well.  So, why not?

Today – summer.  Hubs left town to be with his older two children and won’t be back till Monday night.  We can all exhale and be ourselves.  I am looking forward to having time with my girls.  We are going to spend the night in New Orleans tomorrow, just the three of us.  I can’t wait.  I wish my son could be here with us, but that’s okay.  He is working so hard to make a life for himself.

That’s the current state of the un-union 🙂  Good news is:  God loves me.  Since He’s the King and my Father in Heaven, I guess that makes me a legitimate princess, right?  Yes, I think so.  Finally, someone who thinks I’m worth dying for.  🙂

Day Seven.

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This week has flown by. I intended on doing blog posts all week, but here I am. AnyWho…

I took a crazy long nap on Tuesday mid day while listening to the Bible. I woke up with my phone ringing. That was the last day I took a nap. I have taken a nap almost every day for over the last year I would say. I really understand the power of emotional energy. I have been pretty protective of my emotional energy store this week.

My intention has been to give myself a month to get to my new situation and to be pretty gentle on myself. Lots of prayer, lots of meditation, lots of quiet low vibration. Lots of fires in the fireplace and lots of burning incense.

I received a phone call from my 10th-grader on Thursday night. She was clearly afraid and in tears. Her dad started an ugly fight with her after trashing her dreams. Of course, I was bombarded with texts all night after that explaining why this altercation was all her fault. I didn’t read them and I certainly didn’t respond to them. After a lot of prayer the following morning I had a conversation with him. True to form, we was trying to put all of our little family on the same side as far as needing better communication skills. Further, he and said 10th-grader needed to figure out a way to make sure this kind of thing didn’t happen again. Screeeech…wh-whatttt?! Back the truck up. Woahhh. If you think you’re going to sit there and tell me any of this was her responsibility, this conversation is over. This was not her fault. This was your fault. You are verbally and emotionally abusive.

On a positive note, she and I have had a very peaceful calm weekend. We saw Race; we cooked; we took Neville on very long walks while exploring our neighborhood; we went to Mass; we had great conversations; we laughed; we shopped for Sweet 16 decorations.

I love her. She inspires me. She is such a truly beautiful soul. When I think of my life and the lack of direction, lack of support, lack of protection I experienced…well, I won’t allow that to be her truth. I trust God. Each time I start to wander in my mind beyond the limits of this 24-hour block, I think of God and I know He is already there and I don’t have to worry. I know that worrying is simply me trying to take back control of my own life and I don’t want to do that. My best thinking got me here. Now, my best thinking keeps me in God’s capable, loving hands. Thy Will be done. Every.day.

Slips and realization

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Today is Divine Mercy Sunday.  I surely need His Mercy today.  And every day.

This week.  O>M>G> – so crazy it deserves arrows, not periods.  I read the most profound thing on FB. “What we allow is what will continue.”  OUCH, baby, very ouch.

So, I can’t say I don’t know why I allow it to continue.  I know that I struggle with strength to divide our family and insert sure heartache into our lives.  But our lives are already pretty divided and offer heartache daily.  I don’t get it, but I know I’m getting better.  I think recognizing the shift is a good thing.

I.AM.SOBER.  I relish in that.  Gotta say, this past week had me worried.  And pissed off.  I actually questioned my sobriety.  On the stairway, looking at my husband, telling him if this continued, I wondered if I could stay sober.  Those words just hurt my heart.  My journey is hard.  It is MY journey.  Since January, I have worked with an amazing psychologist, Dominic Herbst, one-on-one, every Tuesday morning, via telephone.  He is amazing.  He is expensive.  He has workshops around the country.  I decided to start seeing him out of desperation.  All Hell broke loose in my house in April 2014, and I did not bury my head in the sand.  I grabbed God, begged Him to NOT LEAVE ME and to SHOW ME where HE WANTED ME TO GO.  He did.  He always does.  He just wants to be invited.  God, He loves me so much.  He is with me always, holding the pieces of my heart together and showing me that my heart is whole, not broken and that I am worth dying for.  Anywho.  This journey has been the undoing of horrible neglect and unwantedness since I was in utero.  Yes.  My mom didn’t want me.  I wasn’t planned.  Many unplanned humans are still wanted.  I wasn’t.  That’s okay.  My dad loved me enough for the both of them.  But then he died.  I was 8.  You can fill in the blanks.  Factor in a mother who wasn’t onboard anyway and suffered her own undealt with losses and there you go – a very misguided, easy to take advantage of kiddo with no one to imprint upon.  No one to love her and show her the way to be a lady.  My mother likely could have said the same thing.

So, I chose sobriety.  First, I chose Alanon.  Then I realized AA was where I needed to be.  I am so grateful for that choice.  11 months and counting.  It is difficult to have alcohol removed as the solution when the problems are all the same. My husband has not changed.  He has managed to squelch a lot of his anger, but it squirts out at odd times in odd ways.  I won’t be quiet about it anymore.  I simply won’t.  I realize that I am only as sick as the secrets I keep.  Those days are over.  It’s liberating.  And possibly helpful for someone else.

The problem of the day – why do I feel compelled to keep those old agreements I made with myself?  For instance, I have spent YEARS putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own.  So much so that I am now discovering myself in a whole new way and I have to say, I like myself.  A lot 🙂  I am strong.  Physically and emotionally.  I realize I stay to try to absorb the suffering of my children.  That’s wrong.  I can’t buffer them from life.  I am hurting them by doing so.  We have to face life on life’s terms.  And guess what?  Life’s terms often suck.  Big time.  Before I came up into my oasis of classroom/workout room/happy energy space, I was sucking down a smoothie in the kitchen, sitting at the breakfast bar, feeling like I needed to be “on call” for my husband.  Internally, I was thinking, “I need to stay close; he may need something or call for me.”  Yuck.  Double-fricking-yuck.  Go yuck yourself.  No one considers me that way.  So, then, truth from a healing-yet-raging-codependent, I have to step myself through the crap – ‘what would i do if i didn’t think that way?’ I realized I really wanted to write (here) at that moment.  So, I began the walk to the stairway.  “Where are you going?”  “I have some writing to do.” And that was that.

My 12-steps really keep me plugged in and focused on what is right for me.  I try to have balance in my day; I try to be of service; I try to see people in a loving light; I try not to be selfish; I try to make amends right away if I do something or say something dumb.

There, I feel better.  Writing is such a therapeutic exercise for me.

…And I’m learning some more :)))

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Morning. My sweet 9th grader is at camp on her first day as an Assistant Counselor. She was so excited. She has a beautiful heart. She and my 8th grader recently had a lemonade stand for 3 days. They took their money and a list from our local animal shelter & bought everything they could and we brought it over to Angel Paws in New Iberia. They were so proud to be able to help and do their part. They amaze me. It was all their idea & they just ran with it. The shelter was so hospitable and thankful. We stayed for a good while and we all played with the cats & dogs. It was extremely difficult to leave empty-handed. I know for sure that I will always have a rescued pet. Or two. Or three… :)))

This journey, y’all. wow. I place my relationship with God above all else. I know His guiding hand is right there on my shoulder. I yield to Him everyday, and especially now, because this is unchartered territory for me. I am really getting a lot out of therapy – when things fell apart in early May, someone involved in our situation told me I needed to see a therapist for myself. I took the advice of all the professionals – they had walked the walk & I was more than happy to hear, accept and follow the advice they gave. I remember telling my therapist, “I was told I needed to come see you, so here I am and I’m not sure what to say.” :))) Well, that gave way to some great conversations that have prompted me to look at my life differently. And can I tell you the times, they are a’changin??? Lord.

So, alcohol. GONE. I’m so happy about that. May 5 was the last day for me. It was difficult at times, and still is, even sometimes. But everytime I say no and I am proud of my choice. I would never think I would be tested by someone close to me who knew the path I had chosen. Hubs has tried twice to get me to “taste it and tell me if you think it’s good.” Um, no. The first time was at our anniversary dinner & I was pretty surprised that he asked me to partake in what used to be one of my favorite after-dinner drinks, Frangelico straight up chilled. Then, in New Orleans over the weekend, he wanted me to taste his bloody Mary. I just said no. Go Nancy Reagan. I am still surprised that those who we least expect, those seemingly closest to us, can challenge us to go against what we have set in stone. I still believe that in relationships, we should build one another UP, and encourage one another to succeed. It’s a bit of a dagger. But it didn’t hit any arteries 🙂

I still want to buy the book, “Dry”. The author-dude gets out of rehab for alcohol & pretty much doesn’t know what to do with himself. So he starts writing everything that transpires. I love the idea of seeing the world through a newly sober person’s eyes.

I adore health & fitness. I have been skulking around the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, an online program based in NYC, for about 6 months. I heard about it during a podcast and I was intrigued. Everything about it spoke to me. It’s a 12-month program and at the end, if I pass everything, I can take a certification test to be a certified health coach! That is so me. And the curriculum studies food, diets, feelings, spirituality, all related to our entire world and most importantly, how we relate to food. So me. I wouldn’t commit, though. I thought I was waiting for the right time, but in actuality, I was not fulfilling my own dream because I didn’t think it was important enough. So, guess what? It IS important enough! I signed up! I start on July 14 and I have already started my Fundamentals part of it. I love it. It is so me. Last night, I was up till 12:30 just going through the Fundamentals section – there are videos & Power Points & so much good stuff. I am proud of myself for taking the leap! Last Thursday, I attended yet another webinar that IIN put on. I gave myself an ultimatum – if I wake up Friday morning & still feel strongly about this school, I’m calling and enrolling. I prayed, of course, for God’s will. I asked Him to please let me know if I should pursue this or move on. Well, Friday morning rolled around & my feet hit the floor like always, bright & early and guess what? I knew. He put His confirmation in my heart and I knew that was the day I could start pursuing MY dream…MY dream that I want to help others with. I’m so excited.

And this is just the beginning. There are so many new changes to come, I just know it. I feel it. It’s impossible to stay stagnant while opening our hearts to the life God has placed before us.

I’m still doing my Les Mills Pump workouts. I’m still doing my heart rate training. I am loving the run. My 9th grader has had summer workouts at her school in Grand Coteau and I’ve used that time to run & walk & stay on track with my HR training.

Life is good.

Alright, I gotta get some work done around this house!

I hope & pray the peace of Our Lord Jesus is with each of you!