Tag Archives: Faith

Welcome to my life. There, you’ve been warned :)

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I drank my last drink exactly 3 years ago today. Tomorrow is my sober birthday. May 6, 2014. I love that day and date. It was May 5, 2014 and I ordered Mexican food, margaritas, and beer…Modelo Especial and Stella Artois. Looking back, I rarely had beer in the house…cause I drank it. All.

Anywho, so this is where I welcome you into my life. I’ve been silent on many issues for the majority of it and, well, I’m just not going to be that way anymore. I can’t think of a better day than today to start living more authentically. I was ambivalent about being open with regard to alcoholism. I understand that some people are pretty out there about it and some people aren’t. I get it. I respect it. I had to think long and hard about what being an alcoholic means to me. I realized over the past several days that the simple reason I keep it under wraps is because…wait for it….fear!  Yes, fear!  What will they think?  They, they, they. I’m tired of being the inaccessible piece of God-made goodness that floats through the universe not really showing up to life as fully as I could. Let me be clear: I show up a LOT MORE than I ever did in these last three years. It’s so weird how normal I do some things now, especially with regard to communication. If I don’t understand something, I ask. Yes, folks, I ask questions! :)))) And I don’t feel badly about it, either. I was just at lunch with a magnificent group of women. I marvel at them; they are all so gifted in different ways…the subject of FaceBook came up and someone mentioned she couldn’t understand how anyone could put so much of their lives on social media. I thought about it. I share a lot, I think. I have lots of social media platforms and I’m always considering more. For me, I have lived my life without healthy consistency. It’s been a great life. It’s been extremely difficult at times.

Funny: I put a deposit down on an apartment a few weeks ago. I was given the choice to live above regular tenants or above a business. I could have the first apartment much sooner. Let me think about it…I did. And the conclusion I came to is that I’ve tiptoed around my whole life and I’m sick of tiptoeing. I’m not doing it anymore. At least above the 9-5 business, my workouts and rumpussing won’t bother anyone. Not funny: I’m scared to have that conversation with him. Seriously what does a person say in a situation like this? Very little, I think. Nothing will come out right.

Me: Hey, you suck. I’m leaving.

Him: No, YOU suck. YOU aren’t leaving till I SAY!

See what I mean? There’s just no organic flow happening. Holy Spirit, You gotta come through on this when the time comes.  Read the rest of this entry

‘sa duuuu…aka what’s up? dude? :)

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What a journey. What a freaking journey. You know me. I work backwards. Ass backwards as my mom used to say. Not about me, but backwards was often prefaced with that colorful adjective…ass backwards. 🙂 Say it and feel the joy if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait……there, said it? Good.

I move backwards from the moment, yes? So, I sit here this morning. Holy Thursday morning, Maundy (SP?), what have you. It’s the day my Lord and Savior had the Last Supper and then got arrested afterwards. Lent has been an extremely powerful journey for me this year but that’s for another post. pretty much.

I sit here this morning – here’s what I’ve done so far. I woke up at 5 after placing my intentions with God last night – I will wake up joyful and with purpose. There were about 25 seconds of oh-shit-why-why-why-do-i-have-to-get-up-this-freaking-early but hey, I got right to it. I prayed. I walked the dog. I fed all the animals. I gave my daughter a valium. :))))) For her wisdom teeth extraction!!!  Which is why I’m typing fast – I gotta get her up & dressed so we can go get her four – count ’em 4 – wisdom teeth extracted. Got my other daughter to school for 7 so she could take a make-up biology test…on the way to school she told me the sweet story about the kid in her class yesterday – during the video about DNA, there was a person blowing into the box to move some particles of something around and one of her classmates took the opportunity to say, “He’s hot boxing the DNA, dude!” He got detention. Poor teacher. Okay, I laughed. Then I said, poor teacher. That was a highly inappropriate comment. He should receive detention and I hope YOU didn’t laugh at that.

Anywho. I have so much to catch up on on here. I am here! So there’s that! And I’m still sober!!!!  That.is.freaking.amaze.balls. Truly. I treasure my sobriety right there under my relationship with God Himself. And I am not kidding on that.

Looks like I haven’t posted since January?

I went back to school! UL Lafayette. I am a student! I love it. I was momentarily freaked out like I would be the oldest person on campus, but I am not and even if I were, I wouldn’t care. I love learning. I miss being in school.

Life with a narcissist is not easy. I won’t even go into adjectives here because there are none sufficient to describe the absolute fucked up pain they inflict. My advice if you find yourself tangled up with one? Untangle. Get out. Figure it out. Google. Read. Educate yourself. And after you’ve educated yourself? HEAL YOURSELF. There is no hope for them. Just resign yourself to that fact. Okay, one in a million may change, but resign yourself to – “My one in a million is not the one that will be changing.” They are masters of disguise. They can stuff their toxicity for a couple of weeks or more maybe, but the poison comes out. It has to. And you better be ready when it does.

I have resigned myself that if I am going to be here, I am going to heal while I am here. My daughters are here and I am empowering them, educating them, loving them, and helping them to grow into self-sufficient women. I am working with a PhD who I absolutely get along with. Crazy fact? He has known my family since 1981. He has amazing insight. He has been very helpful and I’ll continue to work with him on healing and therapy.

Okay, gotta go wake up my beautiful girl. Any readers of mine out there, how are YOU?

Peace out.

Finding my way

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So, it’s no secret that I live in an emotionally abusive relationship.  I’m just trying to figure out the best way to deal with it AND cause the least amount of damage to my daughters.  I am truly trying to see this from all sides.  I’m almost 50.  It sucks to think I might have to just pack it all in and start all over.  That’s a possibility.  And I would be okay.  I just don’t know about my girls being with their dad…same old thing – no parenting, no loving, just being present in his world.  Life with an abuser is not a two-way street.  It’s a one-way street.  Everyone travels the same way – HIS way.  No arguments are tolerated.  No mistakes are made, well, not on his part.  He “walks in the fruit of the Holy Spirit.”  Hmm.  I didn’t log in to throw stones, but I do some of my best thinking while getting this junk out of my head.  I definitely find that I need accountability and fellowship with a woman – a sponsor?  I’m just weary.  I’m weary of trying to find peace and joy and relegating myself to staying here hoping something will get better or change.  I went to Celebrate Recovery on Monday night.  I had to hold back tears within the first 3 minutes, no kidding.  It was just such a powerful, safe place to be.  I loved it.  I didn’t want it to end.  I will definitely be going back.  Suffice it to say, when he and I are together, I feel like my lamp is covered up, unable to shine.  That makes me wonder:  is there a way I can become stronger, not put up with his bullshit bullying anymore and just make a stand?  When I venture out in that direction, things deteriorate quickly and the verbal assaults break loose – no holds barred – things, situations are skewed, piled together and made false – so quickly and so crazily, it makes my head spin.  Gas lighting, I think. I enrolled in an online course to try to get some direction on how to deal with emotional abuse – either find a way to stop it or find a way to get out.

I went out on my run this morning.  It was supposed to be 14 miles.  I stopped after 2.8 and I am now glad I did.  It started POURING.  And thundering and lightning.  Idon’t playdat. The interruption has caused me to think about my running plans.  Runners have running plans for YEARS.  I’m already trying to figure out how to fit Chicago and Disneyworld into the next 24 months.  Yes.  That’s a fact.  The reason my contemplativeness has come up is because I am in Week 8 of Marathon training for a marathon on October 9…which is not scheduled.  I was going to go to LA to do the Long Beach Marathon & see my son for the weekend.  Hubs saw it on the computer and shut that down in a big way.  He told me I could drive to Tyler – nope – one day, but not this one – Tyler is constant hills and I’m not prepared for that at all.  So, sigh…now I am thinking that perhaps I’ll just do the Baton Rouge Beach Marathon – I’ve done that one about 5 times at least – the only cost is registration & gas to get there; the least expensive by far.  That won’t be till the beginning of December, which gives me a chance to consider backing off on this training which is difficult in the best of circumstances.  Living with a prick and getting those miles in while summer time is in full bloom in South Louisiana is really much more difficult.  Although I have to say, he has been a lot less confrontational about me going out for runs.  I’m thinking – Baton Rouge in December, LA in March, and either Disney or Chicago toward the end of next year. Disney would be a BLAST.  I want to do the Dopey Challenge – a 5K, 10K, half marathon & full marathon – all with ridiculously early wake-up calls and start times, but so what?  We only live once and I ADORE Disney!  And I am thinking of raising money for a charity as well.  So, why not?

Today – summer.  Hubs left town to be with his older two children and won’t be back till Monday night.  We can all exhale and be ourselves.  I am looking forward to having time with my girls.  We are going to spend the night in New Orleans tomorrow, just the three of us.  I can’t wait.  I wish my son could be here with us, but that’s okay.  He is working so hard to make a life for himself.

That’s the current state of the un-union 🙂  Good news is:  God loves me.  Since He’s the King and my Father in Heaven, I guess that makes me a legitimate princess, right?  Yes, I think so.  Finally, someone who thinks I’m worth dying for.  🙂

I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.

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Step 1.  Alcoholics Anonymous.  Way back.  Like, waaaaaay back.  Years ago.  Quietly suspecting that those words might hold some magic.  Quietly suspecting I might have a problem.  Quietly drinking.  Quietly suppressing, trying not to bother anyone.  Quiet.  I read those words somewhere…and waited for the magic to happen.  It didn’t come.  Admitting I was powerless over alcohol was embarrassing even as I thought about it while I was alone.

Fast forward to last year.  2013.  Lent.  Gave up alcohol.  Again.  Thankful that there were only 3 days between Ash Wednesday and the first Sunday of Lent so that I could drink.  I always thought that fasting from whatever we gave up on Ash Wednesday was kind of like a “gimme” to get me through till Sunday.  Not like when Lent is in full swing and you have to go a week before you can have what you forsook.  (?  That sounds weird, but I think it’s right.)  Regardless.  Irregardless.  Either way, I.never.made.it.  I came close once & then I drank on Good Friday.  I felt like such a schmuck.  There I am, going through all the motions and traditions that are so dear to me – and then I drank – sigh.  Sigh.  Jesus came and died for the sinners, for the sick.  I counted there.

2014.  Through inspiration from someone very close to me, I stopped drinking.  To be in solidarity.  He gave me strength.  Knowing my inspiration’s battle gave me strength to look at my own war within myself.  I was astounded that I could quit.  Like that.  Like being on a tightrope and feeling completely at ease.  I just decided to do it.  I counted the days.  I was so happy when I made it past 7.  Like, I had beaten my Lenten record.  What was up with that?  I was going to Alanon.  I was seeing a counselor.  Turns out, I may have had some problems to deal with.  (Insert sarcasm;) I started accumulating weeks.  Of sobriety.  Me!  And I liked it!  Then I started getting a little worried.  How long could I do this?  On my own.  I wondered about the “white knuckling” I had heard about.

I went to LA.  I was invited to an AA meeting.  I may have blogged about this before – anywho – as I listened to the part “How It Works,” I was hooked.  Yes, I had a desire to stop drinking.  Yes, I wanted what those people had.  I.found.my.people.  All my life – I started drinking when I was 7 – I looked for a place – a place where I fit in.  Just like I was.  No pretense.  Just me.  And all my faults.  All my baggage.  And I had to go clear across the country to find it.  Imagine.  I had not experienced that kind of true contentment in a long while.  Years.  And contentment with myself, not because of someone or some outside force.  I was happy to be there and felt I found my way home.

Fast forward again.  I came home and began going to AA meetings here.  I got a sponsor.  We started working on my steps immediately.  With my sponsor, who knows more about me than any other human on the face of the Earth, I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.  I couldn’t do it alone.  My life could not continue the way it was going.  Something had to change.  Drastically.  So, Step 1 began my true journey to sobriety and finding myself.  I was finally able to start pulling back the curtain on my life and letting the sun shine on all those secrets for all those decades.  And through this journey, I have felt the Son shine His beautiful mercy and love on me.  On me.  A wretched sinner.  A sorrowful, repentant sinner.  A simple person who knows what it is to NEVER fit in – who has to think back decades – like before my dad died when I was 8 – to remember feeling like I belonged.  It was amazing.

balancing

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I’m still in Week 4 of Insanity. Not because I’m a slacker. I know that is an incomplete sentence. Sigh. I am listening to my sweet daughter snoring away in the next room, knowing she’ll be upset that I chose to let her sleep in. It’s summer, for goodness sake. We went to Red’s yesterday. I did my 7 mile slow run in the heat – which was great. She met a couple of her bff’s. She thought they would be doing laps in the lap pool. They didn’t. They had a bit of a workout upstairs & then “walked around and sat at the table.” Not what she was hoping for. Snoring girlfriend is a chip off this old block – except I am SURE I NEVER snore…heehee. She takes private soccer lessons in the afternoons and it’s quite a workout. She’s pretty driven. I love that. So, she went to bed last night expecting to get up & go do those laps with me. Which means we don’t get home till 5:30, which means it’s time to cook dinner & do laundry, which means Insanity won’t be happening again today. But she’s snoring. Because I decided to let her sleep, bring my little one to her camp, dash back home to get my Insanity on so I can at least make some progress. Snoring child won’t be happy. But maybe she’ll feel better when I tell her we can go do laps tomorrow, when our beloved housekeeper is here. I’m almost out of time for the morning. I am going with the Jeff Galloway 30 week plan. I love a long plan. It started yesterday & I, true to form, fooled with the schedule because I didn’t want to miss that first long run. This is South Louisiana, so we need to get our miles in the best way we can & as luck would have it, I had a pretty good morning, as temperatures go, yesterday…82 balmy degrees without too much humidity. I ran for over an hour. I thought about a couple of FB acquaintances who either just came off a full IronMother (IronMan:) or just beginning training…wow. Wow. So in awe. I just look at my life and I know I don’t have that dedication to that level of training right now. So, in the meantime, I do what I can & continue to embrace the water. I still don’t know what it is. It’s just hard to get in, but once I’m in, I’m good. And I especially like doing laps with my daughter. She’s a fish & she’s very much fun to hang around anyway. Sigh.

Okay, gotta finish getting this day prepped so we can live in it.

Peace.

Oh lord I don’t know where my update went y’all but lemme tell you quickly – we swam – I did notdo insanity but I swam OVER A MILE with my awesome daughter! Her idea. It really was great. I realized as I was typing that entry this morning that I was probably secretly avoiding the water….sigh. BUT I did it. Sweet. Thank You, Jesus.❤