Tag Archives: abuse

Welcome to my life. There, you’ve been warned :)

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I drank my last drink exactly 3 years ago today. Tomorrow is my sober birthday. May 6, 2014. I love that day and date. It was May 5, 2014 and I ordered Mexican food, margaritas, and beer…Modelo Especial and Stella Artois. Looking back, I rarely had beer in the house…cause I drank it. All.

Anywho, so this is where I welcome you into my life. I’ve been silent on many issues for the majority of it and, well, I’m just not going to be that way anymore. I can’t think of a better day than today to start living more authentically. I was ambivalent about being open with regard to alcoholism. I understand that some people are pretty out there about it and some people aren’t. I get it. I respect it. I had to think long and hard about what being an alcoholic means to me. I realized over the past several days that the simple reason I keep it under wraps is because…wait for it….fear!  Yes, fear!  What will they think?  They, they, they. I’m tired of being the inaccessible piece of God-made goodness that floats through the universe not really showing up to life as fully as I could. Let me be clear: I show up a LOT MORE than I ever did in these last three years. It’s so weird how normal I do some things now, especially with regard to communication. If I don’t understand something, I ask. Yes, folks, I ask questions! :)))) And I don’t feel badly about it, either. I was just at lunch with a magnificent group of women. I marvel at them; they are all so gifted in different ways…the subject of FaceBook came up and someone mentioned she couldn’t understand how anyone could put so much of their lives on social media. I thought about it. I share a lot, I think. I have lots of social media platforms and I’m always considering more. For me, I have lived my life without healthy consistency. It’s been a great life. It’s been extremely difficult at times.

Funny: I put a deposit down on an apartment a few weeks ago. I was given the choice to live above regular tenants or above a business. I could have the first apartment much sooner. Let me think about it…I did. And the conclusion I came to is that I’ve tiptoed around my whole life and I’m sick of tiptoeing. I’m not doing it anymore. At least above the 9-5 business, my workouts and rumpussing won’t bother anyone. Not funny: I’m scared to have that conversation with him. Seriously what does a person say in a situation like this? Very little, I think. Nothing will come out right.

Me: Hey, you suck. I’m leaving.

Him: No, YOU suck. YOU aren’t leaving till I SAY!

See what I mean? There’s just no organic flow happening. Holy Spirit, You gotta come through on this when the time comes.  Read the rest of this entry

‘sa duuuu…aka what’s up? dude? :)

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What a journey. What a freaking journey. You know me. I work backwards. Ass backwards as my mom used to say. Not about me, but backwards was often prefaced with that colorful adjective…ass backwards. 🙂 Say it and feel the joy if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait……there, said it? Good.

I move backwards from the moment, yes? So, I sit here this morning. Holy Thursday morning, Maundy (SP?), what have you. It’s the day my Lord and Savior had the Last Supper and then got arrested afterwards. Lent has been an extremely powerful journey for me this year but that’s for another post. pretty much.

I sit here this morning – here’s what I’ve done so far. I woke up at 5 after placing my intentions with God last night – I will wake up joyful and with purpose. There were about 25 seconds of oh-shit-why-why-why-do-i-have-to-get-up-this-freaking-early but hey, I got right to it. I prayed. I walked the dog. I fed all the animals. I gave my daughter a valium. :))))) For her wisdom teeth extraction!!!  Which is why I’m typing fast – I gotta get her up & dressed so we can go get her four – count ’em 4 – wisdom teeth extracted. Got my other daughter to school for 7 so she could take a make-up biology test…on the way to school she told me the sweet story about the kid in her class yesterday – during the video about DNA, there was a person blowing into the box to move some particles of something around and one of her classmates took the opportunity to say, “He’s hot boxing the DNA, dude!” He got detention. Poor teacher. Okay, I laughed. Then I said, poor teacher. That was a highly inappropriate comment. He should receive detention and I hope YOU didn’t laugh at that.

Anywho. I have so much to catch up on on here. I am here! So there’s that! And I’m still sober!!!!  That.is.freaking.amaze.balls. Truly. I treasure my sobriety right there under my relationship with God Himself. And I am not kidding on that.

Looks like I haven’t posted since January?

I went back to school! UL Lafayette. I am a student! I love it. I was momentarily freaked out like I would be the oldest person on campus, but I am not and even if I were, I wouldn’t care. I love learning. I miss being in school.

Life with a narcissist is not easy. I won’t even go into adjectives here because there are none sufficient to describe the absolute fucked up pain they inflict. My advice if you find yourself tangled up with one? Untangle. Get out. Figure it out. Google. Read. Educate yourself. And after you’ve educated yourself? HEAL YOURSELF. There is no hope for them. Just resign yourself to that fact. Okay, one in a million may change, but resign yourself to – “My one in a million is not the one that will be changing.” They are masters of disguise. They can stuff their toxicity for a couple of weeks or more maybe, but the poison comes out. It has to. And you better be ready when it does.

I have resigned myself that if I am going to be here, I am going to heal while I am here. My daughters are here and I am empowering them, educating them, loving them, and helping them to grow into self-sufficient women. I am working with a PhD who I absolutely get along with. Crazy fact? He has known my family since 1981. He has amazing insight. He has been very helpful and I’ll continue to work with him on healing and therapy.

Okay, gotta go wake up my beautiful girl. Any readers of mine out there, how are YOU?

Peace out.

Finding my way

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So, it’s no secret that I live in an emotionally abusive relationship.  I’m just trying to figure out the best way to deal with it AND cause the least amount of damage to my daughters.  I am truly trying to see this from all sides.  I’m almost 50.  It sucks to think I might have to just pack it all in and start all over.  That’s a possibility.  And I would be okay.  I just don’t know about my girls being with their dad…same old thing – no parenting, no loving, just being present in his world.  Life with an abuser is not a two-way street.  It’s a one-way street.  Everyone travels the same way – HIS way.  No arguments are tolerated.  No mistakes are made, well, not on his part.  He “walks in the fruit of the Holy Spirit.”  Hmm.  I didn’t log in to throw stones, but I do some of my best thinking while getting this junk out of my head.  I definitely find that I need accountability and fellowship with a woman – a sponsor?  I’m just weary.  I’m weary of trying to find peace and joy and relegating myself to staying here hoping something will get better or change.  I went to Celebrate Recovery on Monday night.  I had to hold back tears within the first 3 minutes, no kidding.  It was just such a powerful, safe place to be.  I loved it.  I didn’t want it to end.  I will definitely be going back.  Suffice it to say, when he and I are together, I feel like my lamp is covered up, unable to shine.  That makes me wonder:  is there a way I can become stronger, not put up with his bullshit bullying anymore and just make a stand?  When I venture out in that direction, things deteriorate quickly and the verbal assaults break loose – no holds barred – things, situations are skewed, piled together and made false – so quickly and so crazily, it makes my head spin.  Gas lighting, I think. I enrolled in an online course to try to get some direction on how to deal with emotional abuse – either find a way to stop it or find a way to get out.

I went out on my run this morning.  It was supposed to be 14 miles.  I stopped after 2.8 and I am now glad I did.  It started POURING.  And thundering and lightning.  Idon’t playdat. The interruption has caused me to think about my running plans.  Runners have running plans for YEARS.  I’m already trying to figure out how to fit Chicago and Disneyworld into the next 24 months.  Yes.  That’s a fact.  The reason my contemplativeness has come up is because I am in Week 8 of Marathon training for a marathon on October 9…which is not scheduled.  I was going to go to LA to do the Long Beach Marathon & see my son for the weekend.  Hubs saw it on the computer and shut that down in a big way.  He told me I could drive to Tyler – nope – one day, but not this one – Tyler is constant hills and I’m not prepared for that at all.  So, sigh…now I am thinking that perhaps I’ll just do the Baton Rouge Beach Marathon – I’ve done that one about 5 times at least – the only cost is registration & gas to get there; the least expensive by far.  That won’t be till the beginning of December, which gives me a chance to consider backing off on this training which is difficult in the best of circumstances.  Living with a prick and getting those miles in while summer time is in full bloom in South Louisiana is really much more difficult.  Although I have to say, he has been a lot less confrontational about me going out for runs.  I’m thinking – Baton Rouge in December, LA in March, and either Disney or Chicago toward the end of next year. Disney would be a BLAST.  I want to do the Dopey Challenge – a 5K, 10K, half marathon & full marathon – all with ridiculously early wake-up calls and start times, but so what?  We only live once and I ADORE Disney!  And I am thinking of raising money for a charity as well.  So, why not?

Today – summer.  Hubs left town to be with his older two children and won’t be back till Monday night.  We can all exhale and be ourselves.  I am looking forward to having time with my girls.  We are going to spend the night in New Orleans tomorrow, just the three of us.  I can’t wait.  I wish my son could be here with us, but that’s okay.  He is working so hard to make a life for himself.

That’s the current state of the un-union 🙂  Good news is:  God loves me.  Since He’s the King and my Father in Heaven, I guess that makes me a legitimate princess, right?  Yes, I think so.  Finally, someone who thinks I’m worth dying for.  🙂