Dear universe,I would just like to capture in words how I got to this spot. I used to wonder – years ago – I used to wonder – how did other people do it? Did the husband scream at the wife in every relationship? And if that’s true, how come all the friends I knew on FB & all the Christmas cards I got showed people I knew and they looked genuinely happy? And did the dads scream at the kids and make them cry? Did the dads say things to make the children cry all under the umbrella of, “What? Do you want me to lie to her? She didn’t run a good race.” I could never figure it out because I had no template to follow. I was too embarrassed to ask questions. After sobriety set in, I started doing the difficult work. Untangling the knots of my own life to discover how my thought process became that way. How my esteem was all but gone. Why couldn’t I go to school when I wanted to? Why could I be a regular homemaker that had just a little bit of authority over the house – how it was run and how it looked. But looking back, all these years later, none of those things mattered to him. What mattered to him was that he found someone so broken she didn’t even realize. Which paved the way so easily to “his way or the highway.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “if you don’t like it, pack your shit and get the fuck out,” all the while controlling every cent that came into our lives, I would be rich. He would argue that no understanding of money ever came into my life, only his, because I “never contributed to any of the bills anyway,” so how would I know?
Even today, sitting on the tarmac in Denver, he was sickeningly cruel, demanding my youngest daughter’s cell phone as he stood in the aisle waiting to get off the plane and while she was in her seat. I intervened and of course took the brunt of his vitriol…the glaring, black eyes staring at me, squatting to make himself low enough to be eye to eye with me. The oddest thing was that people were staring at him as if to say, “WTF is wrong with you?” He has become a bigger bully over the years. I was always able to take it, but when it became more directed to my daughters, I started planning my way out. And that’s where I am now – on the precarious ledge of feeling not quite ready and not caring anymore about this farce of a relationship. He commented to me recently that he missed when I respected him so much. I told him that he should not confuse respect with fear.
So, thanks universe. I make sense of things ejecting words into you. I understanding the saying, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
And thank You, God. I know You have my back as always.