So, it’s no secret that I live in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’m just trying to figure out the best way to deal with it AND cause the least amount of damage to my daughters. I am truly trying to see this from all sides. I’m almost 50. It sucks to think I might have to just pack it all in and start all over. That’s a possibility. And I would be okay. I just don’t know about my girls being with their dad…same old thing – no parenting, no loving, just being present in his world. Life with an abuser is not a two-way street. It’s a one-way street. Everyone travels the same way – HIS way. No arguments are tolerated. No mistakes are made, well, not on his part. He “walks in the fruit of the Holy Spirit.” Hmm. I didn’t log in to throw stones, but I do some of my best thinking while getting this junk out of my head. I definitely find that I need accountability and fellowship with a woman – a sponsor? I’m just weary. I’m weary of trying to find peace and joy and relegating myself to staying here hoping something will get better or change. I went to Celebrate Recovery on Monday night. I had to hold back tears within the first 3 minutes, no kidding. It was just such a powerful, safe place to be. I loved it. I didn’t want it to end. I will definitely be going back. Suffice it to say, when he and I are together, I feel like my lamp is covered up, unable to shine. That makes me wonder: is there a way I can become stronger, not put up with his bullshit bullying anymore and just make a stand? When I venture out in that direction, things deteriorate quickly and the verbal assaults break loose – no holds barred – things, situations are skewed, piled together and made false – so quickly and so crazily, it makes my head spin. Gas lighting, I think. I enrolled in an online course to try to get some direction on how to deal with emotional abuse – either find a way to stop it or find a way to get out.
I went out on my run this morning. It was supposed to be 14 miles. I stopped after 2.8 and I am now glad I did. It started POURING. And thundering and lightning. Idon’t playdat. The interruption has caused me to think about my running plans. Runners have running plans for YEARS. I’m already trying to figure out how to fit Chicago and Disneyworld into the next 24 months. Yes. That’s a fact. The reason my contemplativeness has come up is because I am in Week 8 of Marathon training for a marathon on October 9…which is not scheduled. I was going to go to LA to do the Long Beach Marathon & see my son for the weekend. Hubs saw it on the computer and shut that down in a big way. He told me I could drive to Tyler – nope – one day, but not this one – Tyler is constant hills and I’m not prepared for that at all. So, sigh…now I am thinking that perhaps I’ll just do the Baton Rouge Beach Marathon – I’ve done that one about 5 times at least – the only cost is registration & gas to get there; the least expensive by far. That won’t be till the beginning of December, which gives me a chance to consider backing off on this training which is difficult in the best of circumstances. Living with a prick and getting those miles in while summer time is in full bloom in South Louisiana is really much more difficult. Although I have to say, he has been a lot less confrontational about me going out for runs. I’m thinking – Baton Rouge in December, LA in March, and either Disney or Chicago toward the end of next year. Disney would be a BLAST. I want to do the Dopey Challenge – a 5K, 10K, half marathon & full marathon – all with ridiculously early wake-up calls and start times, but so what? We only live once and I ADORE Disney! And I am thinking of raising money for a charity as well. So, why not?
Today – summer. Hubs left town to be with his older two children and won’t be back till Monday night. We can all exhale and be ourselves. I am looking forward to having time with my girls. We are going to spend the night in New Orleans tomorrow, just the three of us. I can’t wait. I wish my son could be here with us, but that’s okay. He is working so hard to make a life for himself.
That’s the current state of the un-union 🙂 Good news is: God loves me. Since He’s the King and my Father in Heaven, I guess that makes me a legitimate princess, right? Yes, I think so. Finally, someone who thinks I’m worth dying for. 🙂