Hating the way I feel right now. It’s the end of the month and my last month of my lease at my apartment. I am giving it up because I am out of money and that sucks. I feel hollow in my core, as if I just lost something dear to me. I guess I just did. The first time I went there after I had signed my lease was one of the most peaceful days I had experienced in a long time. No furniture, just space and quiet peace. My heart is broken. To think we don’t have a place to go when the shit hits the fan sucks. I am using the interim to save money, pay my credit cards down/off, and to submit to God’s Will. I know He wants me to trust Him and I do, but I really feel bad. The other part that scares me is that alcohol is off-board and I am still here dealing with the same crap that made it easy to drink. I will embrace my sobriety. I have a new sponsor – one of the first friends I made in sobriety. I watched her pick up her 13 year chip on Saturday night. She’s awesome. She takes her recovery very seriously and I look forward to spending time with her. Starting tomorrow night in fact! There is a book study that she has recently started so I will be going to that. I know this too shall pass. I’ve put moving off till the last second because I thought something would change. (Stop laughing:)
So, with no net to speak of, I have my 180 hours DONE and now I am looking for a place to do my CIT work. The worst case scenario is that I will work three days a week next school year and that’s a pretty awesome thing. I love it there. I just can’t support myself with that alone. The best case scenario is that I get a CIT position and start learning how to be an addiction counselor, which is where my real passion lies. (Okay, kids and addiction are my passion areas:)
I already scheduled to get my washer & dryer picked up – I had rented them. The good news is that I already paid for my Integrative Nutrition school – the last payment was about a month ago. So, little by little, I will get to wherever it is God intends for me to be. The more I type, the more I realize one of my primary defects of character is lack of trust of God – I definitely need to work on that.
Bottom line – I just can’t see not being present with my girls. They get very little when I am not here and that is unacceptable. I can take a lot of crap to ensure they are properly supervised and properly advised.
So, here goes the next chapter apparently. God be with me.