Needing to get this out of my head and heart. I’m an isolating introvert…for now…so, here goes…
I’ve been signed up for the LA Marathon for about 6 months or so. I did everything I needed to except air because I was watching for low fares. As time moved forward, I realized that my daughters would be out of school this week for Mardi Gras and they could actually make the trip with me. My son is out there & you get the picture. It would be fun…
So, December gets here. No airfare. Christmas. Rush. Hurry up & be happy, yadda yadda yadda. New York happened. Came back. I got sick. Most of us did. Hubs got Flu Type A plus viral/bacterial pneumonia in both lungs. 2 hospital stays. Been home for a month; still recovering.
He got himself released the night before I was to run the Louisiana Half Marathon. I got up at 4:15 & so did he. Long story short, no half marathon for me. I was crushed. I panicked. I felt guilty. Not in that order. So, I freaked out at 6 in the morning & I found air for Los Angeles. I had been watching it for a couple of days & it was going up. 😳 I bought air on his card (never did that before) for me AND my girls. An executive decision is what I like to say…
So, a couple of weeks after that, I finally brought it up to hubs…that the marathon was coming up and I still had every intention of going (even tho my long runs had fallen off). Go, he said, but I won’t be ferrying the girls around everywhere. No worries! They will be with ME!🙋
The proverbial shit hit the fan.
It hasn’t stopped.
So, here I am 2 days away from leaving.
Go only if my girls can come.
Don’t go at all.
I hate that this is the situation I have allowed to happen. I don’t know how to stop it. The thing that comes to mind most is to feel the fear and do it anyway.
I am trying so hard to trust God and to listen to His Will.
This should be a fun time and we should be joyful and planning. We aren’t.
I feel once again like the elephant who was captive all it’s life and once the chain is removed, still doesn’t move because she doesn’t know how.
My heart is truly torn. I’m angry because I know that if my behavior caused somene I loved to get an apartment and to start trying to make money on their own because of fear & lack of trust for me, I would…I don’t know what. I’m not a narcissist. I can’t know. I feel like I am having to choose – plus I haven’t mentioned that I am really looking forward to a couple of days with my son. The recovery scene in LA is refreshing and hanging out with my son is always a joy.
I have to find a way to take charge of my recovery once and for all. I suppose progress is recognizing the sickness, and willingness to grow and change, despite the fear.
In the words of an acquaintance recently, regarding one of his familial relationships, “I love you, but I’m tired of this shit.” Well said, bro.
Here I am God, your slow to learn servant awaits.