I never thought much about ‘recovery’ probably because I was not in it; I was in pain and doing whatever I could to get through the day, believing what was going on was justified. With God’s help and with AA, I will have 20 months sobriety next week! Mind blown.did you know I wasn’t consciously looking to get sober? In my dysfunction & codependency, I latched onto outside forces and influences because I didn’t know how to be my true self. My true self was ruined and I let others define me. Uncool. So, when my loved one went to rehab, I stopped drinking in solidarity because I felt so helpless watching him leave, knowing there was no help I could offer.
I won’t get into the details now, but looking back – wow. I see how fragile yet strong we humans are. It doesn’t take much to change our course – good or bad – when we are children, we are at the mercy of what is poured into us. Treat us badly & unworthy, we grow up to think we are bad and unworthy.
We went to NYC the day after Christmas. As we got out of the Uber car, a female holding a sign of a pitifully skinned animal came up to me and shouted at me, “You are a disgusting, pathetic excuse of a human being!!!!” 😳 What did I do? Not.a.thing except continue to walk forward into the Waldorf Astoria. I remember thinking that she and my husband must have gone to the same school because that’s what HE calls me!😕😂😕 So, as I was walking, the female moved from me to my daughter and put the sign in her face. I beckoned my daughters to come inside with me, which they did. My husband was not about to miss the opportunity to brawl, albeit verbally, with fur-protesting-new-Yorkers. It was quite a spectacle. I felt as if I were listening to one of his at-home tirades and I felt happy that his vitriol was not aimed at me this time. Welcome to the Big Apple! Of course, the event consumed the next 2 hours…he had to lodge the appropriate complaints with the hotel and then of course involve the police. Sigh. The next morning, he woke me up with news that we would be changing hotels.
I find that I look at my fb friends posts and I see these happy, smiling pics – I just don’t believe that what I described above is typical for most people. I don’t think the dads bully their wives & children & make everyone feel bad every day. I don’t believe that is normal…even if that has been my normal for decades. And that is where the difficulty lies – I see that life can be different; sober, I know I am strong enough and smart enough to make changes for myself and my children…and that is what I am focused on. Yes, I am fearful…of the fact that such dysfunction has ruled my life for so long, what if I can’t function without the “dys-“?!!! I chuckle as I type that. You know what, though? I am willing to try.