…or random brain dump…whatever…
I go to God with everything. Absolutely everything. I used to think He didn’t want to be bothered with “little things” but then I realized that if it concerns me, then it concerns Him. He loves me that much and is always available to help me. I also realized that when I try to run the show, I suck. So, it works out. Hubs take…well, who cares; it’s flawed. It boils down to “I think you should do whatever you want and them go to Him when you need advice.” Heehee. Lol. Ummmm….no. Just no.
Why would I want to take the wheel on ANYthing when His way has NEVER failed me? Riddle me that…As I further explained, He has never broken my trust; He has never lead me somewhere and left me; He has never made me feel anything except accepted and loved. THAT feels good. THAT makes me want to be a better person.
Add in recovery. 12 steps. Lead by people who know the path is through God – HP – call yours what works. My Higher Power is Jesus Christ and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The other cool thing I have learned in recovery is to “live and let live.” I used to be that way, I thought, but getting better has taught me so many things about accepting people and their choices. Period. If God loves me like I am, then who am I to be anything less?
I have been doing a little experiment for the last week. When I encounter people, I try to make eye contact and genuinely express my gratitude. Results? Crazy cool. A cashier puts change in my hand and I smile and thank her – her eyes light up. I met quite a few homeless people in Santa Fe. I gave them money and food when I was able to. I shook their hands; I asked their names; I pet their dogs; I asked them questions. Normally, I don’t talk about these things because I staunchly believe that defeats the purpose of doing things quietly for God. But it was so amazing. To just stop for a few minutes and be kind to people who have nothing…it was amazing. And the fact that most of them have dogs with them…that just gets me. There they are with nothing, yet they still share what they have with their sweet dogs. Anyway, my point is, injecting kindness into the world is really gratifying and I am certain it pleases God.
I am home now. It was a crazy trip. It started with us landing in ABQ & someone in my group…clears throat…was removed before all other passengers for causing a scene. Yep. The rest of us were all so embarrassed. The scary part? He still thinks he was completely right regardless of who was made uneasy or afraid. 😏 And to see this person come quietly unglued at various times during the trip – often regardless of who was nearby and in earshot – was very unsettling. To see my 16-year old cry – again – and look at me searching for ‘why’ – again…makes me feel sick to my stomach. He would raise his arms in thanksgiving to God and then in the same sitting, lean over and get in one of my daughter’s faces and tell her to “shut your mouth right now” with as much venom as he could muster. Bottom line…I can’t do this…staying for their sakes is not doing them any favors. This has taken the express train to sickness like never before and I want off.
I am worn out emotionally. I don’t want gifts. I want peace. I am tired of upset stomachs, tears, sweaty palms, anxiety, shakiness from fear, walking on egg shells…I’m just done.
Plus, keeping the secret of emotional abuse is just too much for me anymore. It’s real; it’s here; it’s NOT me; it’s him; what I allow is what will continue; I am done. I am ready to trust God in that area, too. I see now that moments of seemingly normalcy do not erase what has compounded for years; the behavior is still there.