I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.

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Step 1.  Alcoholics Anonymous.  Way back.  Like, waaaaaay back.  Years ago.  Quietly suspecting that those words might hold some magic.  Quietly suspecting I might have a problem.  Quietly drinking.  Quietly suppressing, trying not to bother anyone.  Quiet.  I read those words somewhere…and waited for the magic to happen.  It didn’t come.  Admitting I was powerless over alcohol was embarrassing even as I thought about it while I was alone.

Fast forward to last year.  2013.  Lent.  Gave up alcohol.  Again.  Thankful that there were only 3 days between Ash Wednesday and the first Sunday of Lent so that I could drink.  I always thought that fasting from whatever we gave up on Ash Wednesday was kind of like a “gimme” to get me through till Sunday.  Not like when Lent is in full swing and you have to go a week before you can have what you forsook.  (?  That sounds weird, but I think it’s right.)  Regardless.  Irregardless.  Either way, I.never.made.it.  I came close once & then I drank on Good Friday.  I felt like such a schmuck.  There I am, going through all the motions and traditions that are so dear to me – and then I drank – sigh.  Sigh.  Jesus came and died for the sinners, for the sick.  I counted there.

2014.  Through inspiration from someone very close to me, I stopped drinking.  To be in solidarity.  He gave me strength.  Knowing my inspiration’s battle gave me strength to look at my own war within myself.  I was astounded that I could quit.  Like that.  Like being on a tightrope and feeling completely at ease.  I just decided to do it.  I counted the days.  I was so happy when I made it past 7.  Like, I had beaten my Lenten record.  What was up with that?  I was going to Alanon.  I was seeing a counselor.  Turns out, I may have had some problems to deal with.  (Insert sarcasm;) I started accumulating weeks.  Of sobriety.  Me!  And I liked it!  Then I started getting a little worried.  How long could I do this?  On my own.  I wondered about the “white knuckling” I had heard about.

I went to LA.  I was invited to an AA meeting.  I may have blogged about this before – anywho – as I listened to the part “How It Works,” I was hooked.  Yes, I had a desire to stop drinking.  Yes, I wanted what those people had.  I.found.my.people.  All my life – I started drinking when I was 7 – I looked for a place – a place where I fit in.  Just like I was.  No pretense.  Just me.  And all my faults.  All my baggage.  And I had to go clear across the country to find it.  Imagine.  I had not experienced that kind of true contentment in a long while.  Years.  And contentment with myself, not because of someone or some outside force.  I was happy to be there and felt I found my way home.

Fast forward again.  I came home and began going to AA meetings here.  I got a sponsor.  We started working on my steps immediately.  With my sponsor, who knows more about me than any other human on the face of the Earth, I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.  I couldn’t do it alone.  My life could not continue the way it was going.  Something had to change.  Drastically.  So, Step 1 began my true journey to sobriety and finding myself.  I was finally able to start pulling back the curtain on my life and letting the sun shine on all those secrets for all those decades.  And through this journey, I have felt the Son shine His beautiful mercy and love on me.  On me.  A wretched sinner.  A sorrowful, repentant sinner.  A simple person who knows what it is to NEVER fit in – who has to think back decades – like before my dad died when I was 8 – to remember feeling like I belonged.  It was amazing.

About southernrunningmom

Contact me like this: Via FaceBook - Mary Broussard, Certified Health Coach (feel free to private message me) or e-mail me - southernholistichealth@gmail.com. I am also on Twitter - MaryBob143. Instagram - Southern Running Mom...peace out. I keep my original profile details up because...well, that was my truth back then. Today, I'm much different. And busy. So, I'll update the About Me section very soon. Meanwhile, my tags would be: recovery, AA, 12 Steps, honesty, abuse, recognizing narcissism. Any who, thanks for reading this far. Mom with great husband & family...I totally love running, cooking, gardening...

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