Mental energy

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When I read Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, the Four Agreements, it was like he was writing it for me!!!  Well, he was; he just didn’t realize it 🙂  There is a part that talks about the fact that each day we have a finite amount of mental energy to expend.  I always wondered why trying emotional times left me zapped.  I know now and I love continuing to learn why people act they way they act, especially me.

Here is what my codependently (ma word yo) rehearsed conversation sounded like in MY HEAD:

Me:  I want to discuss something with you.

Him:  Okay, what is it?

Me: I have been looking for a very-part time job that wouldn’t interfere with the girls’ schedule and I actually have an interview set up.  There is a spot available two mornings a week at blah-blah church taking care of babies.  I’m really excited about it.

Him:  Oh, that’s great!  You LOVE babies!  You are GREAT with babies!  They will be lucky to have you!

Me:  Thanks!

How it really happened:

Me: I want to discuss something with you.

Him: Okay, what is it?

Me:  I have been looking for a very-part time job that wouldn’t interfere with the girls’ schedule and I actually have an interview set up.  There is a spot available two mornings a week at blah-blah church taking care of babies.  I’m really excited about it.

Him: Why?  You mean…a job?  Why would you do that? (looks at me like I have two alien heads)

Me:  (eye roll)  Are you serious?  That’s how you respond to me?  Ohmagod.  I don’t trust us.  I’m going to do something that makes me happy.

Then, after a match of hurling words, many ugly, from both sides, he crossed a boundary of saying something off-limits about one of my children.  I calmly stood up, picked up my keys & sunglasses & left.  Just to remove myself from the situation.  I had worked out earlier today.  A hard workout.  I was tired.  I had caked on sweat.  My hair looked like my mother’s.  I had to pee.  I just wanted to park in the WalMart parking lot and sleep.  But I couldn’t.  I had to pee.  Other than that, I would have.  Then I assessed my situation and saw it for the pitiful piece of crap that it was.  I went home.  He had gone into his office.  I ate stir-fried veggies with a healthy dose of Bragg’s Amino acids and a leftover crabcake.  I took a shower, got ready for the rest of the day & took a long, drool-filled nap.

At one point in our argument, which, in my opinion, never should have evolved to an argument, I shouted, “I will try to be the person I used to be!  She drank & was miserable!  Is that what you want???”

BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANT.  AND THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH!!!!!!  Where, for fuck’s sake is the value of my OWN HAPPINESS??????  Even recounting this makes my eyes fill with tears, anxiety ramp up, and me just want to go find him and kick him in the nuts.  I’m tired of feeling like THE PROBLEM every time I risk stating out loud my needs, wants and desires.

I hate the way I feel.

My latest hope is that if I stay real with healing and recovery from codependence, I will gain strength by keeping my life open to change.  I know the only person I can change is myself.  I get that.  And thank God for that.  I don’t think I have the mental strength to even think I could change another person.

In the last year, I have gotten sober and attacked my codependency issues HEAD-ON.  That is an amazing feat.  I am proud of myself and the work I have done on myself.  It ain’t over.  And I won’t be that person again.  Hell no.  Oh, and I also enrolled in the Institute for Integrative Nutrition to become a certified Health Coach, which I am now.  I graduate at the end of June.  I have paid my tuition myself, out of the money I am allotted to run our house.  There was no congratulations there either, after I announced I was going to do something outside of my comfort zone, and enroll in school.  I don’t know why I think this would be any different.

My old therapist used to say, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”  Well, I’m changing.  And I’m going to stop anytime soon.  🙂

About southernrunningmom

Contact me like this: Via FaceBook - Mary Broussard, Certified Health Coach (feel free to private message me) or e-mail me - southernholistichealth@gmail.com. I am also on Twitter - MaryBob143. Instagram - Southern Running Mom...peace out. I keep my original profile details up because...well, that was my truth back then. Today, I'm much different. And busy. So, I'll update the About Me section very soon. Meanwhile, my tags would be: recovery, AA, 12 Steps, honesty, abuse, recognizing narcissism. Any who, thanks for reading this far. Mom with great husband & family...I totally love running, cooking, gardening...

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