I’m doing everything I’ve been instructed to do by those who have walked the same road. I clarify that by saying those who have walked the same road successfully. This journey of self-discovery has been something I did not expect AT ALL. Some of the best things I have learned are: “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” “Show up in your life.” Ouch, baby. Very ouch. So May 6 – no more drinking. Yay for me. That choice is one that I completely celebrate, but also one that likes to get in my face & taunt me. Today, for example, a very cold few beers by the pool would have been the bomb-dot-com. So would some Maker’s Mark at lunch. And therein lies what makes me uncomfortable. A little here, a little there, mmmm, not so good. I don’t want that life anymore. Oh, my counselor told me something else that I love – “Write a new story.” Looking at my quizzical expression, she continued, “I USED to blah-blah-blah, but NOW I blah-blah-blah.” Hey, I love that! The times, they are a-changin’ :))))
It has been so weird to focus on ME. I was initially worried about doing that because I wanted to be sure that it was in keeping with what God had in mind. I didn’t want to be selfish. He gave me His blessed assurance. I know He is right by my side as I walk down this strange new path. My prayers are the same, but my eyes see differently. I have been doing a LOT OF WORK on me. Turns out, my codependency issues that have had me rootbound as an adult got their start when I was just a little girl, most likely right after my dad died. As I matured, I forgave the bad things that happened to me and forgave the people who allowed them to happen. BUT what I didn’t realize till recently is that the behaviors that were created – mainly out of looking for safety – always remained and grew. Big, long, hidden, tangled, ugly roots.
The books that are always near me these days? Facing Codependency, The Anatomy of Peace, and The Four Agreements. Y’all. Talk about life-changing.
My level of personal peace is much better these days than what I was experiencing at the beginning of May. I’m still running, I’m still pushing play 3 times a week. I feel like much more of a warrior these days because I can’t let things go that require me to “show up”. More on that later.
I was missing my blog & just wanted to jump on for a bit to unload a little. I hope & pray that the peace of Our Good Lord is with each of you, especially on this Father’s Day. Don’t forget to wish God a happy Father’s Day!