Saturday afternoon about 2:30. nap. sleepover is in the books (for the 8th–wait, now 9th grader!!!) wow. just.woww. anywho. hubs went to UL game last night. my replacement book came in – I misplaced my first copy & the audio book is hard for me to follow/ADD – The Anatomy of Peace, Resolving the Heart of Conflict. OH.MY.GOODNESS. I got good & deep into the last 1/4-1/2 of the book yesterday evening. No interruptions. My daughter and her friends are amazingly good friends who do good things. They swam all day & hot tubbed & threw glow sticks around the darkened pool. I took a break to cook them dinner & they were back at being girls 🙂
I can’t do the book justice to try to explain it here. But I can tell you who the book is good for: anybody. Anybody who has any conflict in their lives in any capacity. Um, that’s humanity, I think! So, the book is structured in a way to walk the reader through experiences of parents who have brought their respective children to this place for outdoor/adventure therapy. The book, rather than looking at the children and their struggles, looks at the parents, and how we resolve conflicts. What is explained in the book follows a diagram that fully comes together toward the end of the book.
I couldn’t get through it all last night. It’s just too much to process. So, this morning, I wanted to finish it. About 3 or 4 pages before the end of the book, I could not help but cry. I cried at different times of realization earlier in the book, and was very affected by others, but this – this was big, fat, tears that I could just not turn off. Hubs was watching the news. His response was, “Maybe I should read that book.” Ya think? At once, I just saw my son, who prompted this change in me, in front of my eyes – but I saw right through his very layers of life – all the way through to his very basic core, before words or actions could mar him. I saw this perfect human that God made, full of hopes, wants, dreams, desires, fears. And I just wanted him to know at that moment how much I love him and how much I see him this way. My being a mother has been the most important role to me in this life of mine. I just wanted him to know that I was sorry for anything I have done to hurt him, any time I didn’t recognize what he needed and any time I didn’t take the time to know him. We all look back with perfect vision. I get that. He gets that, too.
So, for today…
I won’t beat myself up. I won’t judge myself. I won’t see myself through the filters that I so often find myself seeing myself through. I’ve been trying to decide if I’m actually going to run the 5k this evening. At this time, I think I will. 5Ks are the hardest race. 3-2-1, balls to the wall for 3.1 miles. No water breaks. I’m trying to decide if I’m up for that. Maybe. I’m curious how I’m running lately. Weights & fairly light running. I ate 2 donuts this afternoon. Maybe I’ll run to shuck the 360 calories contained in those two donuts. 🙂
Regardless, summer has officially started. I’m going to slow down and enjoy my blessings.