happy – my 20 year old, during a conversation two days ago, threw in, “Oh, I forgot to tell you…you know that movie, “Without a Paddle?” “Yes.” “We are DOING it!” crickets. “I—I’m sorry, what? What do you mean, son?” “Me, Mitchell, Matt & Patrick, we are DOING that trip!!! We are going camping in Tennessee!” “Wow! Good for y’all! Tell me about it.” The hell with quotations & proper BS. I feel PMS’d ALL the damn time now, lately. yeah. sucks. i digress. and digest. like, mostly two frozen colossal cookies from the mall that i OVERHEARD said son telling my daughter he’d given her. she retorted, they were “melty” so she stuck them in the freezer. oh, yeah. oh, HELL yeah. SCORE!!!! ATE ’em. yep. I sure did. They weren’t mine to eat. so. I don’t really care. I chisled off a corner last night, had a little more tonight & then out of guilt, threw the bulk of them away & then realized was i cra-zee???? I promptly withdrew those cookies from the trash. I ate them. They were icy, delicious. so, yeah. camping. they are going. tomorrow, in fact. son has class tonight, and they are off. they are apparently sky-diving in northern alabama on friday. my advice? don’t get a brain-eating amoeba while you are gone. for God’s sake, be aware of your surroundings. hubs advice? no weed. that would be DUMB. i hugged him, kissed him, made the sign of the cross on his forehead with holy water and watched him lug his graduation gift duffle bag full of clothes, sleeping bag from his sophomore year retreat & his beloved pillow into his car, toss it into the passenger’s seat & back out to go on his way. something about the way he threw his stuff…it just lightened my soul. he was smiling without realizing it. he was light. he was happy. he’s responsible. he took care of everything he had to do before he left – classes, tuition, financial obligations, moving his stuff out of storage into his new apartment, switching electricity & cable…what could i say? what could i feel? he, that wonderful young man who drives himself (in every way), taking off on an adventure with his BEST friends from elementary school…i felt so happy for him. that same little boy, who at 3 was steepling his little fingers in the mall, telling me, “How ’bout you go do your own thing & I’ll go do my own thing.” 🙂 Really? What foreshadowing! My independent young man is spreading his wings in the most glorious way. I had not one negative word to say to that beautiful kid. I even called him a little while later & said, “you know, all warnings aside, you are going to have a BLAST! I LOVE YOU. Send pictures!!!” I can’t feel anything except joy.
i’m 45. i know hormones are gonna start – have already started – playing mean, uncalled for games with my body & my hormones…maybe i just need a break. i don’t know. i’m just tired. hubs doesn’t sleep well. at all. he wakes up at least once a night, usually more. i wake up. i get my stuff done every day. i’m a mom. what choice is there? i haven’t run today. i don’t really feel like it. i pretty much just wanna get some botox & chick flicks & ben & jerry’s cherry garcia fro yo. i don’t know if i’m gonna run today. my hairdresser, also a capricorn, gets me. he calls it “caving.” he likes to disconnect every once in awhile, too, and just not be held accountable. well, he’s one of the best hair guys in town, he’s a dad/husband, business owner…he surely doesn’t get to “cave” as much as he would like.
here’s the thing. i “joined” an accountability group with this sweet, fit beachbody mom who i’m already fb friends with. i love her. she’s great. if she lived in my neighborhood, we’d probably run together sometimes. but i don’t feel like being accountable to anyone. not right now. i kind of feel like i did before my first marathon. i was 39. hubs, in his never-ending generosity, got me a personal trainer. great. love that. but. then. he. wanted. to. know. all. kinds. of. crap. about. my. habits. eating? sleeping? running? yada, yada, yada. sorry, terry, but i already have to answer to bob, and i just can’t answer to another dude. how much do i owe you? I’d see him at races, cheering on his wife & I’d wave & he’d say, “Heeeeyyyy!!! You go, girlll!!!!” as i ran by. that was it. i am a lone wolf. i love being by myself. i love being with my family. but if they are occupado, no problemo, mon freres:))))
so. i don’t want to discuss my goals. i don’t want to discuss where i see myself in 6 months. i don’t want. i’ll observe & occasionlly participate & add, but that’s it. i’m not committing. that’s just the truth. i’m not a slacker. i’ll get my $hit done. i always have & i always will; it won’t hinge on someone else propping me up.
Sorry, God. I know I have a potty mouth. sometimes. But for real, if God is happy with me, I’m good. I am good.
so, for now…i love jeff galloway. today might just be an off-day, jeffy. take it or leave it, buddy. i see a samuel adams summer ale in my very, very near future. my heart is heavy – hubs/his dad. that’s just the way it is.
God’s got my back. like always. He props me up. He catches me. He LOVES me. He GETS me.
Tomorrow is a Holy Day of Obligation. 12:10 Mass. For sure. We’ll be there.
Thanks for reading. I just worked my stuff out. I’m 45. If I don’t want to be hinged to FB or groups, or anything, i don’t have to. that’s the great part about being 45. sigh. i feel much better now.