as i sit here to type, i have an enormous lump in my throat that i can’t really focus on right now – sleep-over happening around me. but i gotta get this out. my son, who is such a huge part of my heart, is moving next week for college. an hour away, baton rouge. he is ready. i am not. as part of his departure, i thought it would be nice to give him a copy of his baby videos. okay, you see where i’m going??? oh, WOW. my mom was alive in them. my life was so different.
here’s what i know. divorce with a child is, hands down, my biggest regret in my life. i can’t say i would undo it. i’m not sure if i would. i can say that i was trying to make the best decision at the time that i could. i entered that marriage with rose-colored glasses. there were some addiction issues that i won’t get into. with that in mind, and seeing the enormity of it, i panicked. i thought…everything – what if i become an addict? what if i lose my son? what if someone overdoses in my house? what if what if what if? looking at the videos, i see a beautiful picture – a happy baby, a beautiful husband and wife – smiles, family everywhere. it just touched this ache so deep in my heart that i have simply learned to live with over the years.
i made a choice to leave. it, surely, has scarred my son forever. i have to live with that. but then…
i have this marriage. these kids. so, what does a person do? can’t go back.
i truly believe that we enter this world and immediately start paving our way into Heaven. i mean, really? what are my options? “oh, hey, X, i am so sorry i was so weak in dealing with your problem that i couldn’t stay. think we can work it out?” that’s not going to happen…
at some point in our lives, we just have to play the hand we are dealt. in my case, as in most, life is not a bed of roses. there is hell to pay. i hate that. but i’m not going to destroy any more lives because of it. i’m going to stay here and fight, stay here and suck it up. stay here and enjoy the peaks. stay here and deal with the valleys.
what i do know is this: life is short, y’all. say what you want. say what you need to say. don’t hurt each other. cherish every moment. my son? what does he know about all this?
i preach to him – don’t look for happiness. look for fulfilment. (sp?) in living fulfilled, there lies happiness, no? yes.
string together as many good moments as you can. at some point, we have to stop trampling through other people’s lives. i think of my mom in those videos. oh, wow. she was something else. at most points, after my dad died, she didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together, but guess what? her eyes were always on our Lord Jesus. she knew He would provide and He always did. Mass every Sunday. some of my best memories were kneeling next to her at Our Lady of Fatima Church, looking at her with her veil on, and feeling so secure – we sometimes went to late Mass, so the stained glass would be very dark-hued…she never gave up on what she knew her reward would be – Heaven. eternity. Jesus. seeing the face of God Himself. i LOVE her for that. she never judged anybody. she never hurt anybody. she wasn’t perfect, but she was amazing….
i hope my children know how much i love and cherish them…