summer. sweet. long humdity-filled evenings with the warmest colored sky in the evening…i can look at our old videos or pictures and tell by the sky what the season was…we saw a video today – girls in the pool, but i knew it was winter – the sky was that washed-out-yet-bluish-like-faded-jeans, my favorite pair…then, as the camera moved, i could see that it was indeed winter and our girls were swimming in our pool the only time in winter we ever heated it. 30,000 gallons of water ain’t cheap to heat. if we wanted warm water, we could have traveled to the caribbean on THAT heating bill. snap. soooooooo….yeah, summer is golden. in so many ways.
it’s transitional – son – i feel like we lit a fuse at graduation and he took right off out of there and hasn’t really come back. he’s itching to grow up. i, of course, earning my wisdom the hard way, see the road that lies before him with clearer vision than he does, of course. living alone, for the most part, doing ones own laundry, trying to make the mac and cheese taste like mom’s, is…interesting…for a while. i just wish i could get him to relish in this time of his life…well, relish in his family. teehee. forget it. he is awesome. i must say. he works hard. he is obedient. but he’s a boy on the edge of adulthood and all i can do is watch. and i pray a lot. i text him prayers. stop laughing. i’m a mother. it’s what i do.
and my first baby…i missed that boat. i just missed it. no one did anything wrong. to the contrary…we did everything right. i gave her a life that was way better than anything i could provide. she is a beautiful woman. she’s amazing. i think about her every day. we try to reconnect, but i think there are too many ‘things’ there. we are strangers to one another. we don’t know each other’s favorites. i think sometimes in life we have crosses to bear and faith to hang onto. i look at the big picture. i wasn’t her mom. i said yes to a gift God Himself sent down. i knew my limitations. i used to wonder how i made it through those years. thumbnail: paycheck to paycheck, 1 to 2 jobs, night school, an abusive prick from brazil…
of course, i KNOW how i made it. funny the straws that break our backs – it wasn’t the abuse to me that drove me away…or even the complaints about the bacon not being crispy enough or the way i ironed the son of a bitch’s collars. nope. it was one night in particular we had a FIGHT. right by our car at abc liquor. oh, yes, people, this is the truth. can’t make this up. he choked me from behind, i grabbed behind my head defending myself. a couple of days later he told me that i must have broken his…sorry, gotta stifle my laughter…gold chain with a crucifix on it. i knew i didn’t. but he pushed me to file a claim with our insurance company! that had insurance fraud written all over it and i was not about to take part in that. so, i quietly found a place to live that was “secure” – code for an apartment complex with a gate and access code…neither of which stopped my reason for being in the 519 square foot compartment.
wow, i digressed a lot didn’t i? sweet summer —> heavy past.
anywho, i guess feeling all the transitions this summer leaves me feeling…well, okay, really. i mean, what choice do i have? life goes on, they can’t stay babies, yadda X 3, right?
‘sall good on my end. i rode my bike for 1o mostly pre-dawn miles this morning and loved every second of it. i had an hour long pool workout that tested me and strengthened me.
so, yeah, i signed up for my first triathlon. i’m looking forward to it. the one thing holding me back from trying it all these years was not having the proper bike. well, i still don’t, but i’m willing to just go with it. this tri is a sprint tri and, at the very least, will be fantastic training for me and a great adventure. my shoulders have the slightest bit of fatigue, which i like (i think it reminds me that i’m capable:)
i would love to do a full ironman by the time i’m 45 or 50. i like numbers with a solid, no-nonsense finish. my first marathon was ON my 40th birthday. i know, i know…that’s how i roll. so, i’m 43. got some room to figure it out.
each day i get into that pool, i give it up to God. remind Him that i am nothing without Him. let’s do this, i tell him. guide me. He comes through EVERY time. i love that. love that.