so much stuff happening. good, bad, indifferent…stuff. mostly good, thank You, God. maybe it’s just the verb, HAPPENING. you know, life does that…just happens. just keeps on happening, whether you are ready or not. almost goes so fast, you don’t have time to marinate in feelings of…of…of whatever…in my case, there’s lots.
senior prom. junior prom. mother’s day. prep school musical. making up for lost time. reflecting. trying to reflect. trying not to forget anything.
as much as i try to balance things in my life, i cannot deny that at this moment, my son is always at the forefront of my thoughts. he graduates next week. he was voted Prom King on saturday night. this child has worked unbelievably hard beginning since about fifth grade. so, i was thrilled that he was voted king. i think his friends at school must see him for the sweet soul that i do.
so, all those things, goings-on, i listed, are happening with me on total sleep deprivation. i haven’t had a full night’s sleep since i-don’t-know-when. various reasons, mostly a loud hubs…growling, as my 10 year old calls snoring 🙂
i get to this point a few times a year and it isn’t easy…grabbing zzz’s when i can during the dark night because i surely can’t grab them when the sun is shining. i try. i get prone. maybe 5 seconds go by and i’m up again, planning what i’m going to do. today it happened. i heard the birds, saw the sun shining. immediately, i was up, talking myself into a run. i did it. then i rode my bike. 3 miles of each. then my son called & we planned on going to avery island, the very place where Tobasco Sauce is made. it was a wonderful day with him. it was a busy day. high school is over for him. next comes his graduation ceremony and summer and college. he is ready for everything. i know that and it is comforting. i’m not sad. he has earned a little academic freedom until college starts. he is excited about beginning his life. i am excited for him. i am thrilled that he will have A home. ONE place to keep his clothes. ONE place to keep his glasses. this is my greatest comfort. i feel like – this is odd – i JUST NOW realized this – he is finishing his “divorce sentence” – anyone who is divorced and shares custody feels this – i can say without fear of contradiction, being divorced with a child is the MOST PAINFUL part of my life. seeing that child have to divide everything – his time, his love, his clothes, keeping track of books, just him wanting to be a kid in “his” neighborhood, which, by the way, was no longer MY neighborhood…hard stuff. doesn’t go away. doesn’t heal. just doesn’t make me cry anymore. scratch that. doesn’t go away. ever. just absorb it and deal with it. for years, i would drive down that road after dropping him off at his dad’s and just cry. cry. cry. i couldn’t help it. i just wanted things to be good for my son. i knew i couldn’t make things good for him in that house, though. choices. parents. guidance.
anyway. i find that my heavy heart reaches way down to my legs and makes them pay. dearly. i feel like i ran so slowly today. like my legs were cement.
it’s a beautiful evening. getting ready to watch tv with my two girls. my son is at his grandmother’s, swimming with his best friends. i am in awe of that beautiful child. i thank God every day for entrusting me with him.
in one week, i will watch him graduate and approach the next part of his life. i suspect he will do that the same way he does so many other things…introspectively, under the radar, quiet beauty, quiet, wry sense of humor…