She was there today, with me. 22 years ago she was there with me, too, but in my womb. She was there today, of all masses, to be there. The mass about life. The sanctity of life. The horror of abortion. The moment we came into being. How God loved us before we even knew…anything. The moment His plan was put into action, He loved us and knew everything. She made me nervous. I couldn’t be a mom. I wasn’t even a good person. She didn’t deserve me. I didn’t deserve her. She was cocooned but not forever. I remember wanting to be pregnant for ever so I could have her with me forever. Then she was here. On my belly, screaming her beautiful little head off. And for a split second, I thought of scooping her up and running away, right there off the delivery table. But in another second, I conversed with God and He helped me know her parents were waiting for her in Louisiana. He helped me know she would be better there. With them. Without me. I wasn’t a good person. I lived with someone who pretty regularly beat the hell out of me. He really was not a good person. He didn’t even want me to have her. I couldn’t stand him. I thought if I could get her into this world safely and into their arms safely, I would have succeeded. And I did. I also blocked off a tiny part of my heart where she lived. I dumped all my feelings for her in there and sealed it up. Every time I would think of a landmark in her little life, I would place those feelings in that corner. As the years went by, it wasn’t so hard. I would see her every once in awhile, but seeing her was way too hard. I would look up her family’s name in the phone book and drive past and imagine her playing in the yard or riding her bike. I loved her so much it hurt my soul.
She was there with me today. So beautiful. I am still so undeserving. But I am a good person and I know that now. God showed me. I am still in awe at the amazing young woman who looks at me. She is intelligent and beautiful and sweet. She is perfect. Just like she was 22 years ago…her birthday is March 6. I know I did the right thing.
Listening to Father Joe today affirmed that for me, once again. But she was right next to me. It was wonderful. I haven’t seen her in so long, but there we were listening to words that meant so much to us both. I love her so much, she could never know. I have never felt worthy to call her my daughter, but I am the person who, with God’s help, brought her into this world. In that conversation with God today, he helped show me that decisions are not always easy. Sometimes they affect our entire lives and our entire beings. But sometimes making the right decision is simply what we must do. He showed me that. She showed me that, too.
Peace. Better than that, may our Lord’s peace be with each of you…