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don’t have a title in mind, don’t have much to say in mind.  i just want our school back.  4th grade teacher conferences tomorrow.  i give the first quarter a c-.  i’m not impressed.  i can’t lie.  the girls have learned a little here.  every day i feel like i have to jump start 4th grader.  it’s like she goes to sleep and her brain purges everything.  she’s down on herself.  i just want to go home.  i totally dislike exile.  personally, i think we should be given a refund, exchange apologies, and make quick tracks back to where we belong.  as a very dear person to me has said, ‘things can’t stay the same; they will either get better or worse.’  so true.  i can honestly say with my whole heart, with God and Mary as my witnesses, i have prayed, begged, and pleaded for God’s will.  i still, with my whole heart, don’t feel like we are in line with His will.  i wish i was rich.  i would pay anything to get my sweet daughters back to where they belong.  but i’m not.  if my life were a pie chart, the areas included would be prayer, directing/helping/loving children, kitchen, laundry room, and running.  not for joke.  for real.  and i love it.  except for when i feel powerless.  and like a cornered momma bear protecting her cubs.  there’s just this empty yearning in my core and i know what it is.  when things aren’t right with the ones we love the most, things aren’t right within us.  i know God hears me.  i know He’ll answer me.  i know He knows my endurance.  He gave it to me, after all.  i can run for 4-5 hours straight, no break.  that takes some doing.  but enduring this exile with my sweet daughters who never would have made this choice is, at sometimes, excrutiating.   so…i pray.  and look for bright spots.  and try to live in them for as long as i can.  i thought i was a prayerful mother before the end of july, when this hell started.  the best thing that has come from this hell has been my re-dedication of myself to my faith.  i have delved deeper into it than ever and i am so without-words grateful to have it.  i have embraced the gift of having God’s arm around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth.  for real.  i know there is nothing i can’t do.  as long as God says it, i can do it.  i am just His simple servant who knows the deal.  i accept His love and forgiveness and that grooves me all day.  i try my best not to question Him…i guess embedded in my “whatever Your will is, God, help me do it,” is “please, God, bring us back.”

okay, moving on…had a fabulous 5K with my girlies yesterday.  so proud of them.  held 4th grader’s hand as we ran the end of mile 3; she was wavering…”i can’t do it!”  “of course you can!  look how far you’ve come!”  as we turned the final corner, and she spotted the finish, people cheering, balloons beckoning and blowing, she let go of my hand, furrowed her brow, pumped her elbows and MOVED!  i of course, held back, to let her have her moment to cross that finish line with all of her might…”go, baby, go, push, push, push!”  and watched those new white/purple asics get broken in by one of the sweetest little girls i’ve ever known…it was divine. 

at the same point where she faltered, i watched 2 40-somethings cruise ahead of us to take my spot as 1st in my age group.  i could have let go of her hand and smoked them, but i didn’t.  i knew hanging on to one of the dearest little creatures from Heaven was WAY more important than my time on the clock.  and it was.  her dad told me, you should have let go of her hand and told her the finish was right there, to come on and go!  not a chance.  she needed me and i was there.  and will always be…

About southernrunningmom

Contact me like this: Via FaceBook - Mary Broussard, Certified Health Coach (feel free to private message me) or e-mail me - southernholistichealth@gmail.com. I am also on Twitter - MaryBob143. Instagram - Southern Running Mom...peace out. I keep my original profile details up because...well, that was my truth back then. Today, I'm much different. And busy. So, I'll update the About Me section very soon. Meanwhile, my tags would be: recovery, AA, 12 Steps, honesty, abuse, recognizing narcissism. Any who, thanks for reading this far. Mom with great husband & family...I totally love running, cooking, gardening...

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