I have to get this out. We switched schools for our girls today. I feel absolutely horrible about it because their school where they have been since kindergarten is so wonderful. It’s 25 miles from our home. It’s an all girls Catholic school and I used to ask my mom if I could go. No way. Too expensive. So, pregnant and knowing I was having a girl, I knew she would go to this wonderful school. Long story short…another girl later and two diagnoses of profound deafness, I wondered if my dream for them would be realized. By God’s will, it was. They have been at school for 4 & 5 years. Now they are going to a different school that is not Catholic. I can’t stop crying. I’m trying to keep my feelings from my sweet girls. I didn’t want to influence them negatively because they were fairly receptive to the change. When my 5th grader saw my puffy eyes this afternoon and asked me if I was sad about school and I said yes, she broke down in tears and let her own feelings out. I talked with both my daughters about their feelings and honestly, I think I’m more affected than they are. So, we go on. I just feel raw, emotionally. So, we are going to the store for ice cream, milk and beer. I can only think of a handful of times that I felt this horrible inside. I keep reminding myself that God doesn’t give me more than I can handle and that He is with me. I know He’ll get us through this, too, but I can’t help feeling like a child who wants what she wants – a beautiful education in a beautiful school for her beautifl daughters. I will miss the school – the only other place I felt that type of serenity was while skiing in Colorado and I would stop high on the mountain and listen to the stillness that could only come from God. It was truly divine. I will miss the teachers – they go out of their way for the girls…I will miss the great, inspiring moms who I just love.
P.S. Okay, back from the store…forgot ice cream, probably better that way. Bought Diary of a Wimpy Kid (kids are loving it), Miller Light mmmm…, and a wonderful candy bar that is dark chocolate, crisp, and filled with pepper and pop rocks. I know. Sounds weird. If I were a chocolate bar, that would probably be me. And, I feel better after a conversation with a fellow mom of two wonderful daughters the same age as mine…she’s out of town, but we agreed to get together next week. She gets me. She’s great. I love her…peace.
Oh, and I did NOT run today. Even though I’m dressed for it. I spent huge hunks of time praying, too, but didn’t feel prompted by God one little bit to hit “start” on the treadmill. I’m setting my sights/sites on tomorrow, in more ways than one…and more tomorrows than tomorrow. Lord help me. Do you think we run out of tears in a given day? I think we do. I think that now. After all the tears I’ve cried today. Tomorrow has to be better.