10 miles to make me cry ;-\

i haven’t been able to really run in a week – i’ve grabbed a couple of quicky workouts, but no asphalt pounding.  till yesterday – my goals?  10 miles.  time with my son.  got them both.  the 10 miles were HARD.  it was hot.  it was HUMID.  it is, for goodness sake, South Louisiana, and summer is coming quickly in a kicking-ass & taking names sort of way.  sigh.

i had to walk several times for brief periods.  i felt like movement was key; i contemplated how badly i would have felt if i quit before the double-digit goal.  i considered how lucky i was to be able to run.  to quit was not not an option.  there are people who would give their arms for my legs.  no taking for granted here.  so, i just cranked up the tunes & got it done.  but on my last 2 miles, i just began to cry.  big cry.  like, if you saw me, you would have been like, wth?  my ipod is filled with everything from the Prayer of St. Francis to L’il Wayne.  However, what made me cry was the beautiful song from Mandeesa (sp?) – He is With You.  Psssh…I KNOW He’s with me!  It was like the tear duct/floodgates opened.  I’m not exactly sure why.  It was good though.  Mother’s Day was an abyssmal failure.  I’m sure I still have bad, pent-up feelings over that.  Stressful times for kids in school, kids not in school…just everything.  I missed my mom.  I was dreading cleaning the floor after buying a new fridge…i know.  i’m…weird.  but a good-weird:)

well, i had to stop running cuz the tears, but i managed.

i made my 10, had a shower, had lunch with my son, then came home and took a very intensive nap!  i slept through my alarm and woke up right in time to go pick up my daughter at the bus stop!

my girls are in finals and there just isn’t enough time in the day to get everything done.  but we manage.  i brought 5th grader home, gave her specific instructions as to what she should/shouldn’t/could/couldn’t do while i drove 25 miles to her school to pick up 6th grader who was there for a math final review.  when i came back, 5th grader was studying for social studies.  the only sketchy thing was, there was a pair of crawfish-eating (latex) gloves next to her…i’m sure she was examining the dog’s teeth.  Lord, i hope that’s what she was doing…

anywho. it’s a new day & i’ve had a quad-kicking 20 minutes so far on the elliptical.  but my bike is beckoning for me…i have 3 hours left till i gotta head out for the girls at school – i really want one of them to be on my bike & then of course, i gotta run to the store – few groceries and Fresh Market – I promised 6th grader pizza from there for dinner – it’s the best!

 

long week…

really long week and it’s just monday.  just stuff.  good stuff.  bad stuff.  unbelievable stuff.  stuff.  as i type, my beautiful son who i am craving time with is at his grandmother’s.  that’s a good thing.  she’s amazing.  i miss her.  but i miss my son.  he’s finished with his first year of college & i just want time with him.

as in a marathon, i continue to put one foot in front of the other.  even when the going gets tough.  i’m not alone, for sure, but sometimes, the lonliness for the simple things – a movie with my son or lunch, or an impromptu swim or bike ride with the kids – all of them preferably – well, that just seems so far away as finals, and in the case of this year, graduation, heats up.  i took the girls to the bus stop this morning & then came home and fell back asleep.  i didn’t get a good night’s sleep at all and that’s pretty rare for me.  i intended to swim for :30 this morning, but lasted :11.  my heart wasn’t in it.  i know that feeling and i don’t get it often.  i back off when it creeps up.

so, here i sit – hat-headed for no good reason.  i kept hoping i’d get a workout in.  had chickfila with hubs for lunch.  NOT my usual.  no workout – NOT my usual – just put the day into a tizzy.  a downspiral, dietarily, really – i had two fiber one chocolate things – 90 calories each.  a microwaved bowl of udon noodles.  which, to my delight, were delish.  i poured milk into the inch-layer of chocolate ice cream that was left by some unsuspecting soul – and made a very tiny chocolate milkshake.  i just went to hell in a handbasket today, i guess.

but the main feeling is just tiredness – wanting the school year to be over.  wanting to feel like i CAN swim a mile before riding for 56 and running for 13.  wondering how it’s all gonna happen – educating my children the way they need AND training for a sure to kick my butt race.  and WHICH race?  not open water as in the ocean…no,  not now.  but a nice body of water somewhere in texas?  yeah, i can see it.  alligator free?  yes!  i’ll take it!  i guess that’s my mental vacation when i need it…knowing i can work toward a goal…there i said it, a GOAL…despite what is happening around me.

i won’t yuck-out today, because it is certainly a gift – hubs and i went to the mall and even went plant shopping.  he even came to the makeup counter with me and bought my chanel foundation

i just feel these loose ends – my son – flying away behind me, and i have every intention to grab them and re-secure them.

i’m probably not making much sense right now…

i am also considering keeping baby girl home tomorrow so i can help her prepare for finals…my calls for help go unanswered…a momma’s gotta do what a momma’s gotta do…which, clearly means, i probably won’t get a workout in again.

which makes me believe even more strongly in the fact that i seriously NEED the Tour de France bike  trainer, generation 2. i think there are 6 easy payments.    i can do that.

so, not amazing, sweat reports today.  much to my dismay.

Oh, Lord, please increase my faith.  He will, ya know…

Here.

Getting to the end of the school year, thank You God…son made it back safely from hangout festival…I think if I really stopped…for longer than I do, well, something crazy would happen…I just don’t know what. Step-son graduates on Tuesday….wow. Another bird flying away….another wonderful, capable bird….

Me….I’ve been attacking swimming for the nemesis that it has been for me…guess what?! I’m winning!!! When I look at my training log, I see so many swim workouts! I love it!!! Plus, my daughters each separately told me something wonderful – little one reminded me of last year being afraid to put my face in the water. Yes, that sucked. I was frozen. I didn’t know how to breathe and move at the same time. I couldn’t stand that feeling. Then, today, bigger girl was doing laps with me like she so often does, and she told me at the endof one of those laps, “mom, you got so FAST!!!” huh?! Me?! What an amazing feeling from someone I admire so much….

I really do aspire to a full ironman…with each workout in the pool, overcoming that initial freak-out feeling gets easier and easier as my own competence builds.

I love this time in life. Things are far from perfect. Really far. But if we can’t appreciate the goodness we have around us, on any given day, what good is it? I could list a crazy list of what is wrong, and you’d be like…wwwwhat?! But I can’t dwell. And I can trust. In Him. He’s got me. And I’ve got Him.

Meantime, I’m gonna keep on….I’m so happy my son is sleeping here at home tonight. I’m so happy we – hubs and I -have a handle on baby girls education – we’ve probably given more thought to some of her classes than her actual teacher – wow. I’m even happy my brother who pisses me off so badly is alive…I’m happy Neville is sleeping outside and hubs is snoring away as I type this on my iPhone:))))

So peace out and be thankful. Tomorrow is not guaranteed…say whatcha gotta say and do what you gotta do. I know God has my feet planted right where He wants….if He’s happy, I’m happy….and I believe we are:)

Hungry…

…not like, as in food. But more. Thankfully, after all these years, I know just where to get what I need and that’s from my Mother Mary, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and of course, Big Poppa Himself, God Almighty. I miss my son’s old girlfriend. She is a beautiful, shining star. I miss my son. He makes me proud. He is so proud. I miss the convenience and comfort of the sweet sounds when he lived here regularly…although he was lone and ready for independence long before I was…I miss kissing him goodnight and hearing his breakfast order for the next morning. I miss feeling the way I used to feel about my girls’ school. I miss seeing through the same eyes I used to see with. I miss thinking that tomorrow I can’t swim mid-day for an hour because the handy dude will be here and that would be creepy. I miss the woody, incensy smell of St. Mary’s Church. I miss my metabolism. I miss my sisters.

I have pms. We need a new refrigerator. While watching the subzero video on the computer with hubs, the piano music reminded me of Hachi, the Richard Gere dog movie.

FFw to this morning…

I’m hungry. I wanna swim.

My heart hurts – I found my sweet daughter de-thorning roses she picked from our yard so she could give them to her favorite teacher at school. I have been so disheartened this year by her experience at school and yet, there she was, doing the right thing…the godly thing…I felt about that big. Sigh.

I know God has me, like always, in the palm of His hand…

It’s raining now…

tri-ing…

so much going on.  school?  still not resolved.  i know we are in the homestretch.  i am praying a Novena to the Holy Spirit for guidance toward God’s Will.  can’t go wrong there.  nothin’ but good.  son turned 19.  he had quite a birthday.  i love that kid.  i think he understands better as he grows up into a man how much i really love him.  i drove over and saw him for his birthday.  then, we had a great weekend here pretty soon following.

as i type, my refrigerator is dying a slow, expensive, painful death.  it’s a big built in thing.  we are going to look for a new one tomorrow.  my step-son is graduating!  i can’t believe it even as i type it.  time really does fly.  i was going through pictures and just can’t get over how quickly they grow up.  and all three big kids are growing up so well.  they are beautiful and considerate young adults.

hamburger steaks/gravy, tater tots, corn & something green for dinner.  my best dinners have always been inspired by t.v. dinners and school lunches.  true.  when i was a kid, after my dad died, we didn’t have a lot of money.  okay.  ANY.  we didn’t have ANY money.  every once in awhile, my mom would “splurge” and buy us t.v. dinners.  mine was always the salisbury steak with fries.  my brother always got the night hawk hamburger steak/gravy, tots & corn.  i envied him.  night hawk was expensive, so my mom got it just for my brother.  but look how it affected me!!!  i re-create it whenever i want, using good, pure ingredients!!!  i can’t wait to eat dinner tonight!

my workouts – if you look at my workout log(s), it looks like i’m doing so much. but…hubs has committed to 15-20 minutes of something heart-elevating in the neighborhood workout room.  so i go with him. it’s fun – pick a machine for 15-20, get after it – i like to get the most out of every workout – so if it’s a treadmill, i either run really fast, or incline it to 15.  the elliptical?  level 20 for the most part.  i can get stinking sweaty in no time flat.  but it taxes a running girl’s legs.  so, today i did the elliptical, then jumped on my bike for an hour. my legs are gloriously heavy.  and happy.  this evening, after the homework  subsides, i will get in the pool with my daughter for :30.  so, i’m doing a quick, hard workout first thing, something of medium endurance for about an hour after, and then another :30 in the evening.  i guess that adds up.  it just doesn’t seem like it does because i’m used to 90 minutes a couple of times a week in one shot.  but i like this, i must say.  change is good.  plus, i’ve been focusing on swimming because that is my weakest area.  i signed up for a mini-tri in june.  just to get those transitions in, really.  my plan is to do an ironman one day.  i know i can do it, i just have to develop the endurance.  a marathon is about 4 hours.  a full ironman will take about 9…yeah.  so, that’s a great goal!  gotta start somewhere.  i realized that even the great endurance athletes started at ground zero.  i know that whatever time i can devote, even during a crazy couple of weeks like these have been, are good for me, in so many ways, and will help me achieve that goal.

gotta go do a little dinner prep work for tonight & then BACK to the store – hubs sweetly invited 3 guys to have sandwiches with him at lunch.  no prob, but now i am out of bread, cheese and turkey.

peace out…