Let’s see if this one takes :)

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My last two posts are swirling in cyberspace somewhere. I like to think thet got swallowed up by a yet undiscovered black hole:) it’s more fun that way…

anyWho, where do I start?  At the here and now as always.  Without airing too much dirty laundry, I am in a hotel for two night’s until I can find another place to live.  I would like to say this is a result of ceaseless praying on my part which it is but hubs voted me off the island. Which is what needed to be done but I didn’t have the strength to do it. I love my daughters so much and would have stayed and tolerated anything to be with them every day.  Things are going to be different now but I’m trusting God to work out everything for His good. Even when I’m scared I know he’s right here with me.  This too shall pass.  And at the very least, giving my daughters a 50% chance of normal happiness is worth it.

And I realize to that God’s way is always better than my own way. I believe He prepared me by helping me achieve sobriety beginning in May.  It’s an amazing feeling to deal with problems without any kind of unhealthy vice.

At this point I’m not sure what the future holds.  But I know it’s full of good stuff because God is there and that is exactly what we need when we need it.

As I left yesterday, with the required sheriff’s deputies to assist me, (sigh), I grabbed the Anatomy of Peace (seems odd now, wouldntchasay?) and my Daily Reflections from AA…  I’m not keeping secrets anymore. I want to be well emotionally.  I have to chuckle a little bit as I remember the female deputy’s question, “Has he been drinking?” Almost assured that there had to be alcohol on board.  I answered her, “Oh, no, not at all.”  Now I think, ‘no alcohol; this is how we are! Saturday morning terror!’ Smirk. Sheesh.  As my sweet mom would say, ‘better to laugh than cry.’ She also used to say, ‘better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.’

lol.

so happy I went to Mass yesterday afternoon. Peace, y’all.

Peace…it’s what I want.

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I.am.exhausted. I almost made it to bed without the drama that invariably sneak attacks me. Attacks my peace. Alas, it was no meant to be. Yuck. Nothing major. On the marital Richter scale, this outburst would be at about 6.5 with a couple of aftershocks. I’m not going to silently seethe anymore. I finally said, “I don’t have to listen to this anymore…so I’m not!” Wow. And no drink to be had. Because I am an alcoholic. Dammit. As my son says, “Everywhere you go, there you are.” It’s okay. This, too, shall pass…my son says that gem, too. I love that. One day at a time…peace. And Happy Birthday to the Blessed Mother…

Dang, I went to the wrong meeting…

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Well I made it. I’m in Los Angeles visiting my son for a few days. I’m listening to my body as hard as it is and this is my third day of not running although I am doing other physical activities. I realize how true it is after reading the four agreements that we have a certain amount of emotional and physical energy allotted to us each day and I’ve been burning mine up pretty quickly! And I’m even using my microphone to dictate this blog post LOL on my iPhone. “Here’s a random quote: codependents are some of the best people you will ever meet! they are so thoughtful”. Wow. Just thought I’d throw that out there. I will give my husband credit for that quote. AnyWho ellipses LOL OL

Okay so last night I went to a huge AA meeting! It was truly one of the best experiences of my life. I sat next to my son and was in awe of the people around me. I definitely connected with the speakers and what they shared. I was reminded of some things in my very early childhood that I had pretty much forgotten about… For instance my dad died when I was eight and before he got sick I remember him regularly pouring for me little portions of his beer into a small glass for me. And on the evenings he had a martini sometimes he would give me the gin soaked olives. I absolutely loved it. When I think back on those memories I don’t feel anything bad toward my dad; I just see him being the person he knew to be. He had beautiful beautiful traits as my dad too. I guess it’s the codependent in me but I feel like I should say that he’s the person who first introduced me to the love of Jesus. I will never forget that. Couple of years ago I found a beautiful large antique crucifix in an antique store and we bought it and put it in our bedroom because it reminded me of the crucifix that hung in my parents room. AnyWho as far as going into the wrong meeting goes, I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings since May 6. I love those meetings they are so helpful and teach me so much that I need to know. But something about that meeting last night really resounded with me. I think I want to pursue aa meetings as well as Al-Anon meetings and see how that goes.

Being with my son and seeing the beautiful young man he has become is so inspiring to me. He has absolutely no judgment in him; it’s amazing. I have always loved and treasured our conversations; but now, they are even more special to me.

I’m not sure what the future holds, it’s not mine to worry about. I am going to make today great…

Peace!!!

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Oh yeah, my first drunk – thanksgiving when I was around 6 or 7…my siblings poured their wine 😳 into my glass because they didn’t like theirs…but I sure did! And then I couldn’t help but think I was totally rocking the red solo cup decades before it became a staple at parties☺️. Irish Cartholic…wouldn’t change a thing!

Read the disclaimer. For real. Language. Content. Real isn’t always pretty.

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I find it funny that he would say on his own that I found my voice and I sound like X.  He, who, for his whole life knowing me, heard you bitch and me and me not say anything to defend myself.  Because you must have been right.  I have a life, TOO.  My life is every bit as important as yours.  There is nothing wrong with the way I communicate – there is something wrong with YOU.  Everyone else understands what I am saying, EVEN WHEN I use pronouns.  You have exhausted me emotionally.  It is, indeed, beating a dead horse.  I can’t change you.  You don’t want to be changed.  I CAN change myself.  I can change my life.  I can change my surroundings.  I don’t have to live like this – in a state of dreaded unhappiness and sheer exhaustion from all the agreements I have made with myself.

I wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth in Al Anon meetings.  I originally thought it was because due to a lack of confidence on my part…thinking what I had to say probably wouldn’t be important.  I realized last night why I don’t talk in Al Anon meetings.  Last night.  Mere hours after a marital counselling session with our priest.  It went like this:

Me:  (venturing out after he started a conversation) I heard from “X” today.  He went up in the Goodyear blimp!

Him:  Oh, really?  Wow.  I bet that was awesome.  (continued to stand there, AS IF engaged in normal, conversation that normal people have)

Me:  (venturing out a lllliiiiittttle bit further)  Yes, he said…(I briefly explained how X came to have a ride in the blimp AND what he saw and what he found amazing.)

Him:  no response.  clearly disengaged.  turned.  walked away.

That, my friend, is EFFED UP.  I can’t wait to get out of this.  I can’t wait to invest my energy in things that love me back.

So, the reason I don’t talk in Al Anon isn’t because I’m afraid what I have to say isn’t important; it’s because I have spent years being ignored by the person who is supposed to love me the MOST and HE FRICKING IGNORES ME!  

I wonder sometimes how I homeschool, marathon train, do the countless things I do without the emotional support and love that I need and I realize it’s through God Himself.  I did change the original curse words in this post.  I know God loves me anyway, but I couldn’t offend Him by including such ugliness in a place where I also use His Glorious Name.

Things are still changing.  One thing my counselor said, “Things will either get better or they will get worse.  But they won’t stay like this.”  Right.  I believe it.

But I’m not going to keep quiet about it anymore.  The level of dysfunction is unbearable.  I can’t even bear to keep it inside anymore.  So I’m not.  

Labor Day weekend.  5 miles this morning.  10 more tomorrow.  Still on track (lol) for NYC Marathon training.  Still codependent to the nth degree.  Sigh.  Things will change.  I’m sure of that.

Thank You, God, for loving me.

Even though

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Even though it feels like there is a storm raging around me, there isn’t. It’s just my perception. It’s temporary. I can and do make choices to lean on God. Creating healthy habits and making them real HABITS – something that I fall back on regularly – like prayer, honoring my commitment to read a chapter a day in the books I’m currently reading (which, at the present time are “Courage” by Debbie Ford, and “Addictive Thinking and the Addictive Personality”), like fueling my body with healthy things (I had healthy Cocoa Crispies for dinner last night, followed by a couple of Blue Bell Fudge Bars for dessert.), and putting one foot in the front of the other, despite dumb choices (see dinner menu from last night:)…all these things help me gain a healthier perspective of my life, a real perspective of my life. One that says, “Knowing isn’t being,” and knowing that I am faithfully trying to BE. This is a ramble. That’s okay. I just was feeling overwhelmed & realized that my trusty blog always helps me sort things out & get centered again. Inhale. Exhale. Think of the candles I’m going to make later today. Think of the moment. Great moment – yesterday – I was wrapping up my time with my wonderful counselor, Jo, and my phone rang. It was my son! We don’t get to talk much. At all. Twice a week, for 10 minutes at a time. I’ll take it! Anywho. I called him back when I got in the car. We were talking about our respective weeks & chatting about the activities we wanted to do when I go visit him in a couple of weeks. At the end, he asked me, casually, “So…have you had a drink?” I melted. I was so proud to be able to say, “NO!!! Baby, those days are OVER! You inspired me and I haven’t turned back.” It felt so good to be able to say that to my son. I’m so proud of him and the work he is doing on himself. Addiction is genetic, I’m convinced of that. But we don’t have to marinate in it, do we? It’s curable, with work. I love my sober life and I can tell that my son loves his, too. I’m so excited to go see him! We are planning all kinds of good things! I feel better already… :) Peace, y’all.