Making the most

Standard

So here I am – coffee, fireplace going, successful sleepover for 14-year old daughter…my 9th grader just left with her dad to play her first high school soccer game. It’s 30 degrees where she’ll be playing. I assumed I would be taking her. I know, assumptions aren’t smart. Sigh. I’m just surprised.

I have my sweet Neville right by my side

IMG_0039.JPG

IMG_0043.JPG

Next weekend I am flying with my daughters to see my son in Los Angeles. They haven’t seen their brother since May. They will be so pleasantly surprised.

Anywho…I’m still loving my school and beachbody coaching. I also discovered something else that is now on my radar – there is an essential oils blending class that I can take online! That’ll be after Institute for Integrative Nutrition. It sounds pretty awesome. I’m really into candle making – all natural/organically scented – my latest batch includes Eucalyptus/Lavender and Peppermint – they both smell pretty amazing. It turns out I’m pretty good at it! And I’m really interested in it. I have always been intrigued by scents and how they affect us…

Gotta run – more later.
Peace outūüėä

Working backwards…

Standard

I’m here. Alive. Sober. Well. Ran a 10K this morning. Ran the NYC marathon this past Sunday. Epic. Freaking epic. Sigh. Well not to bore you with the maddening details, after the dust settled, we came to the conclusion that we would both rather exist as peacefully as we can within the same house than splitting and ripping everyone and everything apart. It’s working for the most part. Most importantly, I know I am being obedient to God. At the end of the day, that is my biggest desire. It isn’t about this world. I would do anything He called me to do. I might not like it, but I trust Him a lot more than I trust myself. Something I learned in AA is, “My best thinking got me here.” So, on my own, without God at the helm, is not a good plan for me. I have so much more to say but my Bluetooth connection is not happening tonight! I’m still loving Beachbody coaching and my school, Institute for Integrative Nutrition…I wish I would have started my certification sooner, but I’m here now. Peace out, y’all!

Let’s see if this one takes :)

Standard

My last two posts are swirling in cyberspace somewhere. I like to think thet got swallowed up by a yet undiscovered black hole:) it’s more fun that way…

anyWho, where do I start? ¬†At the here and now as always. ¬†Without airing too much dirty laundry, I am in a hotel for two night’s until I can find another place to live. ¬†I would like to say this is a result of ceaseless praying on my part which it is but hubs voted me off the island. Which is what needed to be done but I didn’t have the strength to do it. I love my daughters so much and would have stayed and tolerated anything to be with them every day. ¬†Things are going to be different now but I’m trusting God to work out everything for His good. Even when I’m scared I know he’s right here with me. ¬†This too shall pass. ¬†And at the very least, giving my daughters a 50% chance of normal happiness is worth it.

And I realize to that God’s way is always better than my own way. I believe He prepared me by helping me achieve sobriety beginning in May. ¬†It’s an amazing feeling to deal with problems without any kind of unhealthy vice.

At this point I’m not sure what the future holds. ¬†But I know it’s full of good stuff because God is there and that is exactly what we need when we need it.

As I left yesterday, with the required sheriff’s deputies to assist me, (sigh), I grabbed the Anatomy of Peace (seems odd now, wouldntchasay?) and my Daily Reflections from AA… ¬†I’m not keeping secrets anymore. I want to be well emotionally. ¬†I have to chuckle a little bit as I remember the female deputy’s question, “Has he been drinking?” Almost assured that there had to be alcohol on board. ¬†I answered her, “Oh, no, not at all.” ¬†Now I think, ‘no alcohol; this is how we are! Saturday morning terror!’ Smirk. Sheesh. ¬†As my sweet mom would say, ‘better to laugh than cry.’ She also used to say, ‘better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.’

lol.

so happy I went to Mass yesterday afternoon. Peace, y’all.

Peace…it’s what I want.

Standard

I.am.exhausted. I almost made it to bed without the drama that invariably sneak attacks me. Attacks my peace. Alas, it was no meant to be. Yuck. Nothing major. On the marital Richter scale, this outburst would be at about 6.5 with a couple of aftershocks. I’m not going to silently seethe anymore. I finally said, “I don’t have to listen to this anymore…so I’m not!” Wow. And no drink to be had. Because I am an alcoholic. Dammit. As my son says, “Everywhere you go, there you are.” It’s okay. This, too, shall pass…my son says that gem, too. I love that. One day at a time…peace. And Happy Birthday to the Blessed Mother…

Dang, I went to the wrong meeting…

Standard

IMG_1391.JPG

IMG_1392.JPG

IMG_1383.JPG

Well I made it. I’m in Los Angeles visiting my son for a few days. I’m listening to my body as hard as it is and this is my third day of not running although I am doing other physical activities. I realize how true it is after reading the four agreements that we have a certain amount of emotional and physical energy allotted to us each day and I’ve been burning mine up pretty quickly! And I’m even using my microphone to dictate this blog post LOL on my iPhone. “Here’s a random quote: codependents are some of the best people you will ever meet! they are so thoughtful”. Wow. Just thought I’d throw that out there. I will give my husband credit for that quote. AnyWho ellipses LOL OL

Okay so last night I went to a huge AA meeting! It was truly one of the best experiences of my life. I sat next to my son and was in awe of the people around me. I definitely connected with the speakers and what they shared. I was reminded of some things in my very early childhood that I had pretty much forgotten about… For instance my dad died when I was eight and before he got sick I remember him regularly pouring for me little portions of his beer into a small glass for me. And on the evenings he had a martini sometimes he would give me the gin soaked olives. I absolutely loved it. When I think back on those memories I don’t feel anything bad toward my dad; I just see him being the person he knew to be. He had beautiful beautiful traits as my dad too. I guess it’s the codependent in me but I feel like I should say that he’s the person who first introduced me to the love of Jesus. I will never forget that. Couple of years ago I found a beautiful large antique crucifix in an antique store and we bought it and put it in our bedroom because it reminded me of the crucifix that hung in my parents room. AnyWho as far as going into the wrong meeting goes, I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings since May 6. I love those meetings they are so helpful and teach me so much that I need to know. But something about that meeting last night really resounded with me. I think I want to pursue aa meetings as well as Al-Anon meetings and see how that goes.

Being with my son and seeing the beautiful young man he has become is so inspiring to me. He has absolutely no judgment in him; it’s amazing. I have always loved and treasured our conversations; but now, they are even more special to me.

I’m not sure what the future holds, it’s not mine to worry about. I am going to make today great…

Peace!!!

IMG_1070.JPG

IMG_1069.JPG

Oh yeah, my first drunk – thanksgiving when I was around 6 or 7…my siblings poured their wine ūüė≥ into my glass because they didn’t like theirs…but I sure did! And then I couldn’t help but think I was totally rocking the red solo cup decades before it became a staple at parties‚ėļÔłŹ. Irish Cartholic…wouldn’t change a thing!

Read the disclaimer. For real. Language. Content. Real isn’t always pretty.

Standard

I find it funny that he would say on his own that I found my voice and I sound like X. ¬†He, who, for his whole life knowing me, heard you bitch and me and me not say anything to defend myself. ¬†Because you must have been right. ¬†I have a life, TOO. ¬†My life is every bit as important as yours. ¬†There is nothing wrong with the way I communicate – there is something wrong with YOU. ¬†Everyone else understands what I am saying, EVEN WHEN I use pronouns. ¬†You have exhausted me emotionally. ¬†It is, indeed, beating a dead horse. ¬†I can’t change you. ¬†You don’t want to be changed. ¬†I CAN change myself. ¬†I can change my life. ¬†I can change my surroundings. ¬†I don’t have to live like this – in a state of dreaded unhappiness and sheer exhaustion from all the agreements I have made with myself.

I wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth in Al Anon meetings. ¬†I originally thought it was because due to a lack of confidence on my part…thinking what I had to say probably wouldn’t be important. ¬†I realized last night why I don’t talk in Al Anon meetings. ¬†Last night. ¬†Mere hours after a marital counselling session with our priest. ¬†It went like this:

Me: ¬†(venturing out after he started a conversation) I heard from “X” today. ¬†He went up in the Goodyear blimp!

Him:  Oh, really?  Wow.  I bet that was awesome.  (continued to stand there, AS IF engaged in normal, conversation that normal people have)

Me: ¬†(venturing out a lllliiiiittttle bit further) ¬†Yes, he said…(I briefly explained how X came to have a ride in the blimp AND what he saw and what he found amazing.)

Him:  no response.  clearly disengaged.  turned.  walked away.

That, my friend, is EFFED UP. ¬†I can’t wait to get out of this. ¬†I can’t wait to invest my energy in things that love me back.

So, the reason I don’t talk in Al Anon isn’t because I’m afraid what I have to say isn’t important; it’s because I have spent years being ignored by the person who is supposed to love me the MOST and HE FRICKING IGNORES ME! ¬†

I wonder sometimes how I homeschool, marathon train, do the countless things I do without the emotional support and love that I need and I realize it’s through God Himself. ¬†I did change the original curse words in this post. ¬†I know God loves me anyway, but I couldn’t offend Him by including such ugliness in a place where I also use His Glorious Name.

Things are still changing. ¬†One thing my counselor said, “Things will either get better or they will get worse. ¬†But they won’t stay like this.” ¬†Right. ¬†I believe it.

But I’m not going to keep quiet about it anymore. ¬†The level of dysfunction is unbearable. ¬†I can’t even bear to keep it inside anymore. ¬†So I’m not. ¬†

Labor Day weekend. ¬†5 miles this morning. ¬†10 more tomorrow. ¬†Still on track (lol) for NYC Marathon training. ¬†Still codependent to the nth degree. ¬†Sigh. ¬†Things will change. ¬†I’m sure of that.

Thank You, God, for loving me.