This may not be pretty for a variety of reasons. I’m typing on my fairly new bluetooth keyboard. finicky thing, it is. trying to get my ipad to connect took a solid ten minutes and gave me a headache right over my left eye. so, fumble fingers it is. and it may not be pretty because of a pretty crappy aha moment i had during my run the other day…i’ve been avoiding my blog. why? i love to write. my outlet. helps me keep the coconut empty. helps me make sense of things. i’m avoiding it because i stuff my feelings! in my life, i have adapted to my surroundings by keeping my mouth shut…as in, don’t rock the boat, don’t risk hurting someone’s feelings, don’t risk hurting. period. just suck it up.
my life began changing on may 6. funny the way things work, yes? when i found out i was pregnant with my son, 22 years ago, my life changed. i knew at that moment that i was meant to be a mother. it was the best feeling ever. that doesn’t mean it was easy. it was far from that. it has gotten increasingly difficult for periods of time over the years. it’s still hard to figure out what is airing dirty laundry & what is just being honest. i’m working on that. for now, though, it’s as if the scales have fallen away from my eyes. it wasn’t a quick miracle, but it was lead by God and through lots of intense prayer. which i do every day. i don’t, especially now, want to make a move that my Father in Heaven doesn’t want me to make, so i definitely spend a lot of time checking in with Him.
so, after all the work that i continue to do on myself since May 6, i still work very hard on my codependency issues…i see a therapist who helps me tremendously. she has helped me see that i am actually fine.
one of the best Robin Williams quotes i have seen, and truly one of the best quotes ever, is something like…”I used to think one of the worst feelings in the world was to be alone, but it’s not…it’s being around people who make you feel alone.” ouch. sad. true.
so, this journey i am on has been amazing and it’s far from over. i am loving my online school and i look forward to using my health-coach certification to help others. i realize that my wants, needs, and feelings are every bit as important as anyone else’s. i’m not a terrible communicator. i’m not that bad.
part of the Four Agreements is that we punish ourselves. we join with others who punish us as much as we think we deserve to be punished, and not one scintilla more. a scant bit more & we leave. so the fine line is we find someone who will punish us according to our own standards. i hope i didn’t lose anyone with that. the book is amazing and life changing. at first, i saw it as a bit of a threat to what i have been comfortable with. but now, i don’t see it that way. now, i see it as recognizing this, breaking the agreements, and cleaning out all the internal garbage that we have accummulated since childhood. dump it. just get rid of it. not as easy as it sounds, but the book goes into great detail. what i see happening is akin to soul-cleansing. and once that happens, our spirit and the Holy Spirit can flow freely through us…it’s not for us to hang onto the bad stuff that we (I) thought i needed to in order to martyr myself in this life. who is served by that? how do i bring anyone closer to anything good if i am not good to myself, the way God intended? i am a much better instrument to God if my spirit runs clean – unclogged and free. and you know what? it works! i see little signs of my own work coming back to me in unexpected ways. for example, the other day in Hobby Lobby, this lady was in line behind me & she dropped a receipt. i could see she was a little frazzled and in a bit of a hurry. i stooped down to get her receipt for her & as i held it for her in my hand, she quickly looked up with an exasperated ‘thanks’ & looked at me again & just kind of paused & smiled. it was so great! she seemed calmer right away & even struck up small talk with me, which of course i engaged in. i find myself seeing people more as people that God created, regardless…of anything. No matter how people act, no matter what they look like at the moment, they each have a battle and they were each created by God Himself. i have no right or desire to judge. i simply want to let my light shine and be a speck of kindness in someone’s day, whether it’s through a smile, a kind word, or an understanding look. and do you know what else? i quickly ask God to bless that person and lead them to goodness in all that they do. it’s not hard to do and i get such joy from it.
so i’m not stuffing it anymore. life is good. life is trying. personally, things are crazy right now. i’m trying to do my best to keep my eyes on God and work through what is laid out before me. i’m fighting for what is right. my son is now in california and i’m going to see him next month.by.my.self. whhhhhatttt? i can’t wait to reconnect with him. he is doing amazing work on himself. i surely do miss him. the top of our list of things we must do – Griffith Observatory and hiking. just being together with free, open communication is thrilling to me.
i am now over 14 weeks sober!! wootwoot!!!! i decided to quit drinking when my son left louisiana. i didn’t think i really had a problem. i deep down knew if i didn’t take that chance to quit – that another important chance/reason might not come along again…the gene for alcoholism is real. my mother had it; my grandfather had it. drugs and alcohol have run rampant through my family. not anymore. i understand the disease much better now. i know some people can have one drink, one glass of wine & be fine. i wasn’t one of those people. i wanted more. it’s a slippery slope & i’m glad i’m off.
life is a beautiful gift from God. i will not squander it. i will not take it for granted. life has it’s ugly side. i’m not going to deny that anymore. i don’t like stuffing my feelings. i’m just gonna keep it real, y’all.
i was at Mass this morning, for the Assumption of Mary…i couldn’t keep my tears in during the Homily as i listened to the priest & thought about Mary and the sacrifices she made…what her life was like after her Son went to Heaven…and then what it must have been like for her to go to Heaven all those years later…wow.
alright, so that’s the way it is right now!
it’s also Friday after the first week of school! no alarms tomorrow!!! 6 mile run on deck.
Peace, y’all :)))