I.am.exhausted. I almost made it to bed without the drama that invariably sneak attacks me. Attacks my peace. Alas, it was no meant to be. Yuck. Nothing major. On the marital Richter scale, this outburst would be at about 6.5 with a couple of aftershocks. I’m not going to silently seethe anymore. I finally said, “I don’t have to listen to this anymore…so I’m not!” Wow. And no drink to be had. Because I am an alcoholic. Dammit. As my son says, “Everywhere you go, there you are.” It’s okay. This, too, shall pass…my son says that gem, too. I love that. One day at a time…peace. And Happy Birthday to the Blessed Mother…
Well I made it. I’m in Los Angeles visiting my son for a few days. I’m listening to my body as hard as it is and this is my third day of not running although I am doing other physical activities. I realize how true it is after reading the four agreements that we have a certain amount of emotional and physical energy allotted to us each day and I’ve been burning mine up pretty quickly! And I’m even using my microphone to dictate this blog post LOL on my iPhone. “Here’s a random quote: codependents are some of the best people you will ever meet! they are so thoughtful”. Wow. Just thought I’d throw that out there. I will give my husband credit for that quote. AnyWho ellipses LOL OL
Okay so last night I went to a huge AA meeting! It was truly one of the best experiences of my life. I sat next to my son and was in awe of the people around me. I definitely connected with the speakers and what they shared. I was reminded of some things in my very early childhood that I had pretty much forgotten about… For instance my dad died when I was eight and before he got sick I remember him regularly pouring for me little portions of his beer into a small glass for me. And on the evenings he had a martini sometimes he would give me the gin soaked olives. I absolutely loved it. When I think back on those memories I don’t feel anything bad toward my dad; I just see him being the person he knew to be. He had beautiful beautiful traits as my dad too. I guess it’s the codependent in me but I feel like I should say that he’s the person who first introduced me to the love of Jesus. I will never forget that. Couple of years ago I found a beautiful large antique crucifix in an antique store and we bought it and put it in our bedroom because it reminded me of the crucifix that hung in my parents room. AnyWho as far as going into the wrong meeting goes, I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings since May 6. I love those meetings they are so helpful and teach me so much that I need to know. But something about that meeting last night really resounded with me. I think I want to pursue aa meetings as well as Al-Anon meetings and see how that goes.
Being with my son and seeing the beautiful young man he has become is so inspiring to me. He has absolutely no judgment in him; it’s amazing. I have always loved and treasured our conversations; but now, they are even more special to me.
I’m not sure what the future holds, it’s not mine to worry about. I am going to make today great…
Oh yeah, my first drunk – thanksgiving when I was around 6 or 7…my siblings poured their wine 😳 into my glass because they didn’t like theirs…but I sure did! And then I couldn’t help but think I was totally rocking the red solo cup decades before it became a staple at parties☺️. Irish Cartholic…wouldn’t change a thing!
I find it funny that he would say on his own that I found my voice and I sound like X. He, who, for his whole life knowing me, heard you bitch and me and me not say anything to defend myself. Because you must have been right. I have a life, TOO. My life is every bit as important as yours. There is nothing wrong with the way I communicate – there is something wrong with YOU. Everyone else understands what I am saying, EVEN WHEN I use pronouns. You have exhausted me emotionally. It is, indeed, beating a dead horse. I can’t change you. You don’t want to be changed. I CAN change myself. I can change my life. I can change my surroundings. I don’t have to live like this – in a state of dreaded unhappiness and sheer exhaustion from all the agreements I have made with myself.
I wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth in Al Anon meetings. I originally thought it was because due to a lack of confidence on my part…thinking what I had to say probably wouldn’t be important. I realized last night why I don’t talk in Al Anon meetings. Last night. Mere hours after a marital counselling session with our priest. It went like this:
Me: (venturing out after he started a conversation) I heard from “X” today. He went up in the Goodyear blimp!
Him: Oh, really? Wow. I bet that was awesome. (continued to stand there, AS IF engaged in normal, conversation that normal people have)
Me: (venturing out a lllliiiiittttle bit further) Yes, he said…(I briefly explained how X came to have a ride in the blimp AND what he saw and what he found amazing.)
Him: no response. clearly disengaged. turned. walked away.
That, my friend, is EFFED UP. I can’t wait to get out of this. I can’t wait to invest my energy in things that love me back.
So, the reason I don’t talk in Al Anon isn’t because I’m afraid what I have to say isn’t important; it’s because I have spent years being ignored by the person who is supposed to love me the MOST and HE FRICKING IGNORES ME!
I wonder sometimes how I homeschool, marathon train, do the countless things I do without the emotional support and love that I need and I realize it’s through God Himself. I did change the original curse words in this post. I know God loves me anyway, but I couldn’t offend Him by including such ugliness in a place where I also use His Glorious Name.
Things are still changing. One thing my counselor said, “Things will either get better or they will get worse. But they won’t stay like this.” Right. I believe it.
But I’m not going to keep quiet about it anymore. The level of dysfunction is unbearable. I can’t even bear to keep it inside anymore. So I’m not.
Labor Day weekend. 5 miles this morning. 10 more tomorrow. Still on track (lol) for NYC Marathon training. Still codependent to the nth degree. Sigh. Things will change. I’m sure of that.
Thank You, God, for loving me.
Even the solitude I run to
In order to clear my head
Was choked with bisque-like humidity.
Shrouded with a sad grey,
Hid the stars
And squelched my peace.
Still, it was still,
And left me inspired
Enough to write this.
Even though it feels like there is a storm raging around me, there isn’t. It’s just my perception. It’s temporary. I can and do make choices to lean on God. Creating healthy habits and making them real HABITS – something that I fall back on regularly – like prayer, honoring my commitment to read a chapter a day in the books I’m currently reading (which, at the present time are “Courage” by Debbie Ford, and “Addictive Thinking and the Addictive Personality”), like fueling my body with healthy things (I had healthy Cocoa Crispies for dinner last night, followed by a couple of Blue Bell Fudge Bars for dessert.), and putting one foot in the front of the other, despite dumb choices (see dinner menu from last night:)…all these things help me gain a healthier perspective of my life, a real perspective of my life. One that says, “Knowing isn’t being,” and knowing that I am faithfully trying to BE. This is a ramble. That’s okay. I just was feeling overwhelmed & realized that my trusty blog always helps me sort things out & get centered again. Inhale. Exhale. Think of the candles I’m going to make later today. Think of the moment. Great moment – yesterday – I was wrapping up my time with my wonderful counselor, Jo, and my phone rang. It was my son! We don’t get to talk much. At all. Twice a week, for 10 minutes at a time. I’ll take it! Anywho. I called him back when I got in the car. We were talking about our respective weeks & chatting about the activities we wanted to do when I go visit him in a couple of weeks. At the end, he asked me, casually, “So…have you had a drink?” I melted. I was so proud to be able to say, “NO!!! Baby, those days are OVER! You inspired me and I haven’t turned back.” It felt so good to be able to say that to my son. I’m so proud of him and the work he is doing on himself. Addiction is genetic, I’m convinced of that. But we don’t have to marinate in it, do we? It’s curable, with work. I love my sober life and I can tell that my son loves his, too. I’m so excited to go see him! We are planning all kinds of good things! I feel better already… :) Peace, y’all.
This may not be pretty for a variety of reasons. I’m typing on my fairly new bluetooth keyboard. finicky thing, it is. trying to get my ipad to connect took a solid ten minutes and gave me a headache right over my left eye. so, fumble fingers it is. and it may not be pretty because of a pretty crappy aha moment i had during my run the other day…i’ve been avoiding my blog. why? i love to write. my outlet. helps me keep the coconut empty. helps me make sense of things. i’m avoiding it because i stuff my feelings! in my life, i have adapted to my surroundings by keeping my mouth shut…as in, don’t rock the boat, don’t risk hurting someone’s feelings, don’t risk hurting. period. just suck it up.
my life began changing on may 6. funny the way things work, yes? when i found out i was pregnant with my son, 22 years ago, my life changed. i knew at that moment that i was meant to be a mother. it was the best feeling ever. that doesn’t mean it was easy. it was far from that. it has gotten increasingly difficult for periods of time over the years. it’s still hard to figure out what is airing dirty laundry & what is just being honest. i’m working on that. for now, though, it’s as if the scales have fallen away from my eyes. it wasn’t a quick miracle, but it was lead by God and through lots of intense prayer. which i do every day. i don’t, especially now, want to make a move that my Father in Heaven doesn’t want me to make, so i definitely spend a lot of time checking in with Him.
so, after all the work that i continue to do on myself since May 6, i still work very hard on my codependency issues…i see a therapist who helps me tremendously. she has helped me see that i am actually fine.
one of the best Robin Williams quotes i have seen, and truly one of the best quotes ever, is something like…”I used to think one of the worst feelings in the world was to be alone, but it’s not…it’s being around people who make you feel alone.” ouch. sad. true.
so, this journey i am on has been amazing and it’s far from over. i am loving my online school and i look forward to using my health-coach certification to help others. i realize that my wants, needs, and feelings are every bit as important as anyone else’s. i’m not a terrible communicator. i’m not that bad.
part of the Four Agreements is that we punish ourselves. we join with others who punish us as much as we think we deserve to be punished, and not one scintilla more. a scant bit more & we leave. so the fine line is we find someone who will punish us according to our own standards. i hope i didn’t lose anyone with that. the book is amazing and life changing. at first, i saw it as a bit of a threat to what i have been comfortable with. but now, i don’t see it that way. now, i see it as recognizing this, breaking the agreements, and cleaning out all the internal garbage that we have accummulated since childhood. dump it. just get rid of it. not as easy as it sounds, but the book goes into great detail. what i see happening is akin to soul-cleansing. and once that happens, our spirit and the Holy Spirit can flow freely through us…it’s not for us to hang onto the bad stuff that we (I) thought i needed to in order to martyr myself in this life. who is served by that? how do i bring anyone closer to anything good if i am not good to myself, the way God intended? i am a much better instrument to God if my spirit runs clean – unclogged and free. and you know what? it works! i see little signs of my own work coming back to me in unexpected ways. for example, the other day in Hobby Lobby, this lady was in line behind me & she dropped a receipt. i could see she was a little frazzled and in a bit of a hurry. i stooped down to get her receipt for her & as i held it for her in my hand, she quickly looked up with an exasperated ‘thanks’ & looked at me again & just kind of paused & smiled. it was so great! she seemed calmer right away & even struck up small talk with me, which of course i engaged in. i find myself seeing people more as people that God created, regardless…of anything. No matter how people act, no matter what they look like at the moment, they each have a battle and they were each created by God Himself. i have no right or desire to judge. i simply want to let my light shine and be a speck of kindness in someone’s day, whether it’s through a smile, a kind word, or an understanding look. and do you know what else? i quickly ask God to bless that person and lead them to goodness in all that they do. it’s not hard to do and i get such joy from it.
so i’m not stuffing it anymore. life is good. life is trying. personally, things are crazy right now. i’m trying to do my best to keep my eyes on God and work through what is laid out before me. i’m fighting for what is right. my son is now in california and i’m going to see him next month.by.my.self. whhhhhatttt? i can’t wait to reconnect with him. he is doing amazing work on himself. i surely do miss him. the top of our list of things we must do – Griffith Observatory and hiking. just being together with free, open communication is thrilling to me.
i am now over 14 weeks sober!! wootwoot!!!! i decided to quit drinking when my son left louisiana. i didn’t think i really had a problem. i deep down knew if i didn’t take that chance to quit – that another important chance/reason might not come along again…the gene for alcoholism is real. my mother had it; my grandfather had it. drugs and alcohol have run rampant through my family. not anymore. i understand the disease much better now. i know some people can have one drink, one glass of wine & be fine. i wasn’t one of those people. i wanted more. it’s a slippery slope & i’m glad i’m off.
life is a beautiful gift from God. i will not squander it. i will not take it for granted. life has it’s ugly side. i’m not going to deny that anymore. i don’t like stuffing my feelings. i’m just gonna keep it real, y’all.
i was at Mass this morning, for the Assumption of Mary…i couldn’t keep my tears in during the Homily as i listened to the priest & thought about Mary and the sacrifices she made…what her life was like after her Son went to Heaven…and then what it must have been like for her to go to Heaven all those years later…wow.
alright, so that’s the way it is right now!
it’s also Friday after the first week of school! no alarms tomorrow!!! 6 mile run on deck.
Peace, y’all :)))