I find it funny that he would say on his own that I found my voice and I sound like X. He, who, for his whole life knowing me, heard you bitch and me and me not say anything to defend myself. Because you must have been right. I have a life, TOO. My life is every bit as important as yours. There is nothing wrong with the way I communicate – there is something wrong with YOU. Everyone else understands what I am saying, EVEN WHEN I use pronouns. You have exhausted me emotionally. It is, indeed, beating a dead horse. I can’t change you. You don’t want to be changed. I CAN change myself. I can change my life. I can change my surroundings. I don’t have to live like this – in a state of dreaded unhappiness and sheer exhaustion from all the agreements I have made with myself.
I wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth in Al Anon meetings. I originally thought it was because due to a lack of confidence on my part…thinking what I had to say probably wouldn’t be important. I realized last night why I don’t talk in Al Anon meetings. Last night. Mere hours after a marital counselling session with our priest. It went like this:
Me: (venturing out after he started a conversation) I heard from “X” today. He went up in the Goodyear blimp!
Him: Oh, really? Wow. I bet that was awesome. (continued to stand there, AS IF engaged in normal, conversation that normal people have)
Me: (venturing out a lllliiiiittttle bit further) Yes, he said…(I briefly explained how X came to have a ride in the blimp AND what he saw and what he found amazing.)
Him: no response. clearly disengaged. turned. walked away.
That, my friend, is EFFED UP. I can’t wait to get out of this. I can’t wait to invest my energy in things that love me back.
So, the reason I don’t talk in Al Anon isn’t because I’m afraid what I have to say isn’t important; it’s because I have spent years being ignored by the person who is supposed to love me the MOST and HE FRICKING IGNORES ME!
I wonder sometimes how I homeschool, marathon train, do the countless things I do without the emotional support and love that I need and I realize it’s through God Himself. I did change the original curse words in this post. I know God loves me anyway, but I couldn’t offend Him by including such ugliness in a place where I also use His Glorious Name.
Things are still changing. One thing my counselor said, “Things will either get better or they will get worse. But they won’t stay like this.” Right. I believe it.
But I’m not going to keep quiet about it anymore. The level of dysfunction is unbearable. I can’t even bear to keep it inside anymore. So I’m not.
Labor Day weekend. 5 miles this morning. 10 more tomorrow. Still on track (lol) for NYC Marathon training. Still codependent to the nth degree. Sigh. Things will change. I’m sure of that.
Thank You, God, for loving me.